In a new quad couple relationship. He wants everything equal. Like she comes over here, I should go over there. I don’t see that as feasible. They are newer to polyamory than my husband and I. I don’t want to upset him or her. IDK what to say or do without upsetting the situation.

In some cases, it’s impossible to have the conversation that needs to be had without introducing a little bit of conflict. 

It is okay to set some boundaries, being gentle but firm. You could say something like:

“I know you want to try and keep things equal, but in my experience, rigid ‘score-counting’ and insisting on exact equality harms more than it helps. It is unrealistic to expect that what every couple does together is perfectly mirrored by the other two. For me, ‘equality’ doesn’t mean ‘everyone does the same thing,’ it means ‘everyone gets what they need.’ It’s a feeling and a philosophy rather than a balance sheet. What makes you feel ‘unequal,’ and how can we address that? What needs do you have? What fears, needs, or desires make you want such exact ‘equality’ of time spent? And how can we meet those without holding our relationships to impossible rules?”

If he is so stuck on this that he insists that the only way for this to work is to adhere to a standard and practice you find impossible, perhaps this is not a person you’re compatible with in a quad-couple arrangement.

Two of my friends have been dating for a little while. I spend a lot of time with them and I know a lot about their relationship, to the point that we often joke about the three of us dating. How could I encourage/introduce this idea without being too bold about it?

Why are you worried about being “too bold”? Is there a specific concern you have, a reaction you definitely don’t want? In my experience, it’s nearly impossible to have a conversation like this without being bold.

You gotta just bring it up with honesty and openness. “Hey, you know how we joke sometimes about the three of us dating? Do you think that’s actually something you’d be interested in trying?” If they go “oh my god, no, I’m sorry, that really is just a joke!” then you have your answer - but if they are also interested, you can have a conversation about every person’s fears, desires, etc. Good luck!

My fiance and his girlfriend had been having issues recently and it causes me a lot of anxiety. They have worked on things but I panic when they hang out because I was abused and I noticed red flags. But also I have a lot of issues and feel like I can’t ask for help if they are hanging out. I end up feeling like I messed up everything if I do ask for help and she held me asking him for help against him. But also feel bad because I now feel like I need help so often that they dont have time to help

Anxiety and panic from past trauma can be big, hairy, and challenging. It is good that you are reaching out for help, but it is also okay for other people to recognize that they cannot be your 24/7 crisis management team. I am sorry to hear that your partner’s partner is “holding it against him” - that is not a healthy way for her to set that boundary. But it sounds like there are unmet needs all over the place here.

You have done the work of recognizing that you need help, and reaching out for it, which is awesome. But you may need to start expanding your network of resources. When your partner is with his girlfriend, it is okay for him to want some uninterrupted time without also needing to be present to your struggles. If you aren’t already working with a therapist on this, please consider doing that. Check out online support forums or chats, self-help workbooks and activities as well. Reach out to other friends who may be able to sit with you or talk with you when your partner isn’t available. Work on developing independent self-soothing techniques.

This can help you take some of the weight off your relationship with your fiance, so he has more “emotional bandwidth” for the times when you really need him, and so you two can enjoy each other in a relational context that isn’t always centered on helping you. I am not saying that it’s not okay to ask for help, or to need help, but since you’ve recognized that you have more needs than your fiance can meet and the level of that need is causing strain, the solution is to find some more hands to help carry that load and work to lighten the load overall.

my boyfriend always complains i act like im not interested in spending time with him but whenever i ask to spend time with him he acts like i’m asking too much of him and like he has so many things to do he just can’t and if i act sad about him having to leave or do something he gets annoyed and that’s why i don’t ever ‘act interested’ because whenever i do i get called annoying and clingy and told how he cant spend all this time with me. i feel like no matter what i do im going to be wrong.

It doesn’t sound like this is a healthy relationship. Your boyfriend criticizes you for acting “not interested in spending time with him,” but when you do, he says you’re being “annoying and clingy.”

Making someone feel like “no matter what you do, it’s wrong” is emotionally manipulative and cruel. When with a partner, you should feel welcome and accepted and free to relax into your feelings. Being constantly critiqued, policed, and put down for how you act and how you feel is not healthy at all.

You deserve to be with someone who has the emotional maturity to identify their needs and work with you to meet them, rather than demanding some psychic perfection. Leave this relationship.

Do you think the idea of “cutting negative people in your life” idea is as a positive and applicable as it present in most situation? I am in a situation and it’s quite heavy.

“Do no harm, but take no shit.” If someone isn’t healthy for you, you don’t owe them your emotional labor.

Do not become a martyr - do not allow yourself to be drained and drained and drained. But do not become a vampire - do not take and take and take and then flounce off as soon as something is asked of you.

Life is all about balance. All the people I love can be “negative” at times. People are messy, and complicated, and often needy. But I try to surround myself with people who can receive my love in a healthy way. I might feel sad, or tired, or even upset, after tending to them during a rough patch, but it’s in a larger context of a relationship that is meaningful and fulfilling. 

Nearly no one is simply a “negative person” or a “positive person.” And there is a lot of grey area between “set zero boundaries” and “cut someone out of your life entirely.” Sit with yourself and figure out what’s bothering you about this person’s negativity, and identify your needs. Is your need really “to have zero contact with this person,” or is it “to not be their emergency go-to for emotional crises 100% of the time” or is it “to not be criticized for every little thing you do,” etc.? 

If you have noticed a pattern in your life of feeling like you “can’t” set healthy boundaries with people who are draining you, or if you have noticed a pattern where you are far too quick to label someone “negative” and “cut them out” of your life as soon as they reveal imperfection, consider talking to a therapist about this.

My partner has recently developed a new crush on one of his friends that I’ve always been suspicious of them being a little more than friends. He’s recently told me they’ve been fucking around and stuff and it makes me feel very overwhelmed and uncomfortable. He’s told me for so long he didn’t like her and nothing would EVER happen with her and now they’re fucking around and that hurts. I don’t feel comfortable around her anymore and I don’t know what to do. Idk if I can handle this?

I have genuinely no idea what you mean by “fucking around” and I am not clear from your letter whether you and your partner have any kind of open/non-monogamous relationship, so I am afraid I don’t have quite enough context to give great advice.

What I can say, though, is that if your partner is doing things that make you feel uncomfortable, talk to him about it. If he is dismissive of your discomfort, or has any stance besides total willingness to resolve this in a healthy way, then leave the relationship. If you are already done with him about the lying and the hiding, leave the relationship. You deserve to be with someone who isn’t going to minimize your concerns, deny that they’re doing something they’re actually doing, and put you in situations that make you feel uncomfortable and overwhelmed.

What does it mean when someone dumps you constantly and then says ‘let’s be friends’ only to turn around and continue acting like you’re still together? :( I don’t know how to talk to them about it because i know they’re going to get upset or give me some lame excuse of 'i love u i just dont want u to go’ but they’re always the one pushing me away and saying they don’t want to be together and they’re the one who doesn’t want anything real. :(

What does it mean? It means this person is jerking you around for their own benefit. They want to do none of the emotional labor of being in a relationship with you, while getting all the benefits.

If an employer told you they don’t want to have you on the payroll, but really like having you around, would you keep doing work there? I know that it can feel gross to think about romantic or intimate relationships in economic terms, but this person is using you in a similarly exploitative manner.

If you are having sex with this person, stop. If you are doing emotional work for this person, stop. They don’t want to be with you, so don’t be with them. They do not get to have their cake and eat it too. Walk away, and find someone who is willing to actually be with you and not be weirdly cryptic and manipulative about it.  

Partner is new to poly & he sometimes fuck up, like everybody does & can do in poly. He & his other partner are Mono(she)-poly(he) relationship. My partner isn’t all that great at the full on communication & check-in thing but we are working on it & finding solutions. However my metamour isn’t really getting that communication can still go wrong. Both of their communication is unhealthy sometimes & I find myself to pick-up the pieces afterward. We talked about it but what else can I do about it?

Give yourself permission to stop doing that cleanup work after he makes mistakes. It is not your obligation or responsibility to manage your partner’s behavior, or his metamour’s feelings. Decide what is a healthy boundary for you to set and set it, gently but firmly.

For me, personally, I have a policy where I can hear and receive and empathize with my partners when they have an issue with another partner, but I do not give advice or share my own perspective. This can be hard and frustrating when they want to ask “what should I do?” or “do you think they’re being unfair?” but I hold to it, because I’ve found that it just gets too messy otherwise. I’m not saying this is a good rule of thumb for anyone but me, just giving an example. 

If you’ve seen a pattern that is starting to bother you, speak up - but stay focused on you and your partner’s relationship. “When you’re having a fight with Blargaret, you get snippy and withdrawn around me, and then I feel like I have to facilitate you two making up so I can get you back. I’m no longer going to take on the emotional work of resolving a situation that I didn’t create and have no control over. Let’s talk about how we can solve this, together.”

It is great that people who are newly polyamorous often have experienced polyamorous partners to ‘guide’ them, but be mindful of how much emotional labor you’re doing on his behalf. If you’re the training wheels, you gotta let him do the pedaling. And if, ultimately, it becomes unhealthy or untenable for you to keep dating someone with a tough metamour situation, it’s okay to end the relationship.

I have really bad anxiety and depression and whenever my partner is away or not responding I start getting really negative thoughts and thinking they’re with someone else and ignoring me because they think this other person is better than me and it’s really messing with me and my relationship. What can I do to make this go away?

Ooh! I know this one! The answer is therapy. Specifically DBT and/or CBT designed to address anxiety, obsessive thoughts, and intrusive thoughts. This is a well documented phenomenon and we have lots of tools to help address it! Talk to a professional for help, and in the meantime, you can also find self-help workbooks and apps for this. Check my resources here! 

Do you have any resources or tags that deal with having personality disorder and being in a poly relationship?

Here is my resource page on mental health and polyamory! As far as I can recall, the only personality disorder I have fielded questions on is borderline personality disorder, and you can check my “bpd” tag if that is relevant for you.

Most of the resources I found also focused on BPD, though I know that is not the only personality disorder. I cannot vouch for the accuracy of these, since I don’t have a personality disorder, but this is what I’ve found:

Polyamory and Borderline Personality Disorder

BPD tag at PolySkeptic

“Hysterical Woman Problems” & Jealousy

Dependent Personality Tag at Pragmatic Poly

i had my first experience in a triad, and i loved it. but things didnt work out. its been a while since its been over. I want to get back out there in the poly world but dont know how or where to look. the situation i was in before was with friends turned more. i need help

Here is my FAQ page about this! 

hi, i want to talk to you something about problems , can we chat via chat box? because i have long message to tell you :/ thanks!

Here is my FAQ page on that.

What is love? I’ve been with this guy for a year and we fight a lot and he always tells me how horrible he thinks I am and I know most of the stuff he says isn’t true or its just an exaggeration of the truth and so it makes me not want to be with him because it really affects my mental health ( i have severe depression) and i’ve told people about him and they always say he’s abusive and i always say i cant leave because i ‘love’ him but what is love? Do I really 'love’ him or am i just afraid.

If you’re with someone who tells me how horrible you are, lies to you, exacerbates your existing mental health issues, and people in your life believe he is abusive: leave him.

Sometimes “love” isn’t enough. Sometimes you can love someone’s ‘potential’ - who they might be if they could let go of the hatred and anger and pain that cause them to act in abusive ways. Sometimes, we get so caught up in the positives - maybe the sex is great, maybe on his good days he’s really really good, maybe he’s very funny - and we become convinced that those positives absolutely must cancel out the negatives. 

Sometimes, we mistake any heightened emotion for love. This is why people like to take dates to horror movies, and why people will report that someone is more attractive to them if they first see that person in a dangerous situation. I am sure that this person makes you feel very strong feelings - but the strength of those feelings doesn’t mean you should stay with him.

Love does not hurt. Love is incompatible with abuse. Love does not make you afraid. Leaving this guy might feel hard, and lonely, and scary, but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t do it. You deserve to find love that makes you feel good, that builds you up, that doesn’t make you wonder whether you are in love or “just afraid.” Let go of the messiness here and set yourself free. You can do it. You’re worth it. If you are worried about him using emotional, psychological or physical violence to make it harder for you to end things, enlist the help of friends or a professional. Check out my resources here.

I feel like I’m doing something wrong. I’ve dated this guy for a year and I’ve always had this nagging feeling I shouldn’t be. He’s married and poly but he wasn’t always poly. His wife doesn’t approve but deals with it because what else can she do. They’re married and she loves him. I know it hurts her to see him with other people so it makes me feel guilty being with him but i know if he weren’t with me he’d be with someone else so it wouldn’t matter either way because it’ll never be just them.

I think a better way to frame this is not what you owe her - the logic that if you leave him, he’ll just date someone else, so it doesn’t matter - but whether this is kind of arrangement is healthy for you. Having someone else’s grudging barely-consent, pain, and bitterness hanging at the emotional periphery of your relationship seems like it’s really bothering you. Which is a perfectly valid reaction to this situation! It’s very okay to set the limit for yourself that you’ll only date people who are in healthy, fully consensual, mutually happy polyamorous arrangements. If you’re in a relationship and a major aspect of that relationship is making you feel bad, then it’s not a good relationship for you! End of story. 

My boyfriend and I got into a really big fight and almost broke up and he’s been really cold towards me since. I send little hearts and he ignores them. I say I love him and he doesn’t say it back. I don’t know what to do. He started doing this a week before we got into our fight and it’s been really bugging me which is partly why we got into such a huge fight and I don’t understand why he’s being this way?

Have you asked him why he’s acting this way?

Maybe he needs some space.

Maybe he does want to break up.

Maybe he just expresses affection differently than you.

Maybe he’s been replaced by an alien pod person.

Maybe he doesn’t like little hearts. 

Maybe he’s feeling overwhelmed by other obligations and doesn’t have the emotional energy to respond to you, even in a positive context.

You gotta ask him! Don’t do it with pressure or accusations; just gently ask him why he seems so avoidant with you and whether there’s anything he needs from you to solve the problem. If he really seems to just not want to be present to you in ways that you need in a relationship, then maybe this isn’t the relationship for you.

Is it irrational to want my partner to message me in the mornings when they wake up? I understand if they have things to do but I’d just like to know they’re thinking of me and for them to let me know if they’re going to be busy or not and they act like I’m asking something really difficult and irrational? It just makes me feel like they always think of me last because they wake up and do things and message me hours later. I rarely even get a good morning from them first.

It’s not irrational of you to want it, but it’s also not irrational of your partner not to do that. Some people don’t like to start their day immediately with texting. It sounds like your partner prefers to wake up, get their day started, then settle into whatever daily conversation you two are going to have. It doesn’t mean that you’re not a priority; or that they think of you “last,” it’s just a difference of preferences and routines. Just because someone’s behavior bothers you doesn’t mean they’re obligated to change it; neither of you is being “irrational,” but neither of you gets the right to put unilateral demands on the other one either.

For many people, taking a few hours to start their day is key to their mental and physical wellbeing, so your partner might feel really threatened by an imposition on their morning routine. For other people, their morning routines aren’t as important to them, or they can reasonably accommodate post-wake-up texts.

Try letting go of the framing here that makes you take this personally. I doubt your partner is going “Ah, I’ve just woken up, and I could text my partner, but they are NOT IMPORTANT TO ME so I’m just going to do something else and make them wait!” Instead, it’s probably more like “Ah, I’ve just woken up! I need some time to get started and settle into my day before I feel up to using my phone or talking to other people. As soon as I’m ready, though, I’d love to connect with my partner about how our days are going to go!”

It feels to you like they’re putting you last, but really, you two just have different morning routines. If this is an absolute dealbreaker for you, then you have the right to seek a partner who likes the same exact type of connections and routines as you. But you might be able to find a compromise with your current partner. Maybe they text you before lunch every day, and that can be early enough for you but late enough for them. Maybe you need to find something else to focus on during your mornings. Maybe they could text you before bed and you could read it in the mornings. This isn’t about who is being “rational,” it’s about finding a way to meet in the middle so that neither of you feel hurt or ignored or unfairly put-upon.

Handmade Lifestyle Jewelry & Gifts by LoveInfinitelyGifts on Etsy →

polyadvice:

bipolysub:

Guys I’m really struggling financially right now and I could desperately use help. If anyone would be willing to share my store around to help bring in some money I would really appreciate it.

As it is, it doesn’t look like I’m going to make my rent this month if something doesn’t pick up. I’ve reapplied to drive for Uber again, but my registration has to be renewed before they’ll let me drive. That payment is already late and after the 15th I begin incurring fines so any help at all would be wonderful. I need to be able to get on the road again and try to make some extra money.

So, I never really do promos on this blog, and this blogger did NOT ask for the shoutout, but this one is special.

I clicked through this when it came up on my dash, and sure enough there is some really beautiful polyamory-themed jewelry. What really did it for me, though, is that this artist has a charm with a cross and a polyamory symbol. (There is also an atheist/skeptic one). When I saw that item listed I actually teared up. It is so rare for me as a polyamorous person of faith to feel like my whole, integrated self is seen, honored, and included. I am often alienated from polyamorous communities because I am a Christian and often alienated from Christian communities because I am polyamorous. For me, my spirituality and my polyamory are deeply inter-linked, but I have never seen a work of art that honors and recognizes that. I have cross jewelry and infinity symbol jewelry but I have never been offered an opportunity to express pride in who I am as fully as with that little charm.

Of course I ordered one and I encourage my followers to support this shop if you’re able and interested. @bipolysub I really hope things pick up for you and I want to thank you deeply for that beautiful moment I got to experience today. Let me know if there is anything else I can do to help. <3

Update: it came in the mail yesterday and totally made my day! I wore it to work today! It came in a cute little package with bright yellow bubble wrap! Did you know they made bright yellow bubble wrap? I didn’t!

I desperately want to post a selfie wearing it, but I have to be anonymous on here for annoying reasons. :( just imagine someone who looks a lot like my avatar but now with turquoise hair grinning while proudly rocking a blue polyamorous-christian pendant, okay? #mentalselfie 

Thank you so much @bipolysub for the lovely & affirming piece. If you haven’t already, please check out the linked etsy store & consider buying something neat! <3 

I’m trying to figure out if polyamory is for me or not. I’ve been in a poly relationship in the past and it was fine but I’m having a lot of difficulties in my current one. I’m not allowed to have other partners, which to an extent is fine. My partner constantly goes on about his other partners and boasts about getting laid and its gotten to a point I just don’t want him with anyone else. I don’t know if this means I can’t be poly at all or if it’s just that this relationship isn’t working.

Your partner doesn’t allow you to have other partners, but he goes out and has other partners, which he then comes back and brags to you about? This doesn’t sound like a healthy arrangement.

Have you tried talking to him about this? Telling him how you feel when he goes on and on about his other partners? Asking him why he feels it’s okay for him to have other partners while you can’t? If not, try opening up that conversation - perhaps he’ll have answers for you that help you two make sense of things and come to a better compromise.

But if he’s not willing to discuss this, if he’s not willing to re-assess your arrangement, or if you’re just unhappy with the dynamic between you two, it might be that this relationship isn’t working for you. I don’t think that means no poly relationship would work for you - something more egalitarian, without the weird restriction on you and the obnoxious rubbing of other partners in your face, might end up being healthy and happy for you! It sounds like this specific relationship has some issues that stem from your partner, not necessarily the polyamory.

programming note

polyadvice:

Hi friends! I am still trying to keep up with my daily posting schedule, but it has lapsed recently because I am going through some big and exciting life changes, so please sit tight!

<3 Zinnia

The queue has some posts in it again; things should be back up and running.

As for the ‘exciting life changes,’ I can’t say much right now but it involves moving to a new place and then perhaps some small humans…

I am a mono guy and was talking with a former poly gf about how jealous I would get, thinking about her being together, intimately, with another guy. It really bothered me. I was saying how I need to find a way to deal with it. She said that at the root of my issue is that I view her as “property”. I disagreed. I wanted her to be able to do what she wanted to do and with whomever, but it still drove me crazy. Was I viewing her as property? And do mono guys have the most problem with this?

It can be really aggravating when someone tries to tell you what you’re thinking and feeling, so know that I am present to that frustration. If you genuinely believe that your struggles with her polyamory don’t stem from you seeing her as “property,” well, ultimately you’re the expert on what’s going on inside your own head.

That said, there is a lot to be said for how capitalist and patriarchal ideas worm their way into our minds and hearts and senses of self. Our culture has long liked to treat relationships as economic transactions. You can see it in our language- a simple example like “you’re mine” and “I’m yours” being used as statements of love. There is an underlying assumption of “possession” in many relationships, and what do you “possess?” Well, property.

So, some people who practice polyamory, non-monogamy, or relationship anarchy do a lot of work to uncover, understand, and challenge some ideas they’ve just absorbed through their culture. Your ex may have been trying to let you know that some of your actions and behaviors seem, to her, to have been informed by these ideas, and to encourage you to interrogate some of your assumptions about relationships and possession and how they work. That she did so by making the annoying mistake of presuming to speak for your internal perspective doesn’t mean it’s not worth examining this.

As for your question about whether mono guys have the most issue with this, I don’t know if there’s been any research on that, specifically, but it is true that our culture sends very specific messages to men about “possessing” their partners. That doesn’t mean all monogamous men see their partners as property, just that a monogamous man may be more susceptible to that kind of thinking, even in subtle or unconscious ways.

Here are some readings, if you’re interested!

• Is polyamory revolutionary?
  
• For lovers and fighters
• Practicing polyamory while healing from capitalism’s wounds
• Poly Economics: Class, capitalism and polyamory

Of course, you may just be oriented monogamously, and your inability to feel okay in a polyamorous relationship isn’t an issue of philosophy but rather just of who you are. That’s okay too! If talking to your ex is bringing up feelings of guilt and judgment, you’re under no obligation to keep talking to her.

If someone points out something about you that makes you feel challenged and threatened, sometimes the right call is to try and make space to hear and understand what they’re saying and then examine and work on the dark places in yourself that they shined a light on. Other times, the right call is to decide that they don’t speak for you, and their truth is not your truth, and the healthiest thing is to reject their description of you. It can be really, really hard to tell the difference, and mistakes in that area can be pretty consequential, so it’s okay to be struggling with this. 

I’m Panromantic, Asexual, and Poly…is there a more proper way to say that?

Not really, as far as I know, because those words all refer to different aspects of yourself. You could think of them as your romantic orientation, your sexual orientation, and your relationship orientation. If I’m a sister, a writer, and a person who hates tomatoes, there isn’t one word that encapsulates those three traits because they’re all different aspects of myself.

But all words and all concepts were, at some point, invented by someone to reflect something they thought needed a word! So if you want a term that covers multiple aspects of identity, feel free to develop one!