Ok,b been married 23 years. Husband got into a little fantasy play, now has decided that he wants more than one wife. I’m totally against this. It was ok I’m fantasy land, but not for reals. Our once wonderful sex life is all but gone, I mean I get a pity session every now and then but nothing like before. I love him, & don’t want to give up on him, but everything is about how much he wants to fuck someone else. I can’t just walk away from 23 years, kids, grandkids ETC. Help???

Have you told him that you don’t appreciate the “pity sessions” and would like to get back to having a sex life together that isn’t about him withholding himself from you to try and coerce permission to sleep with someone else? Is he willing to try and find a compromise there? Have you two tried to bring the ‘spark’ back without making the step into non-monogamy? Something like watching porn together that fulfills that fantasy, writing erotica back and forth about that fantasy, trying something new in the bedroom that is a fantasy you both share but isn’t related to this specific thing, etc.?

Have you talked with him about what his fantasy is actually about? There may be a way for him to scratch this itch in a less extreme way. There is also a big difference between “wanting more than one wife” and “wanting to fuck someone else.” What is your hard limit? Do you simply not want him to sleep with anyone else, or are you turned off by the intensity of the fantasy? Would you be okay with him having a discreet, don’t-ask-don’t-tell affair, but not with a full blown “other wife,” or is it the sexual infidelity that’s the dealbreaker for you? Would you be willing to try a threesome with him? 

Ultimately, though, your husband refuses to be present to your sexual and relational needs unless you let him sleep with someone else, and you refuse to let him sleep with someone else, you may be at an impasse. “I won’t stay with him if he’s going to act like this” and “I won’t leave him” are not positions you can hold simultaneously - at some point, you’ll need to decide what the best choice is for you, since you can’t change his behavior, but you can control yours.

What do I do when me and a partner break up but my main partner still wants to date them?

That really depends on the specifics of the situation. If all three of you were in a triad, where there’s a single central relationship that bonds you three, then it sounds like that bond has been broken.

But, if you’re in a situation where the dating relationships look like: Adam&Ben, Adam&Carl, and Ben&Carl, then if Adam&Ben break up, then Adam&Carl and Ben&Carl can still continue to date. If Adam & Carl & Ben frequently hang out as a unit of three, that dynamic will necessarily change after a breakup, but the pair relationships don’t need to be all mutually reliant.

Of course, that assumes that the breakup between Adam&Ben was mutual and gentle. If there is drama such that Carl is put off by Adam’s behavior during the breakup, Carl and Adam’s relationship will be affected. 

It really depends on your situation. If you and someone broke up, but your other partner still wants to date that person, that might be totally sustainable with some time to cool down and some re-drawn boundaries. If you feel really uncomfortable with it, let your partner know, and talk to them about how to proceed.

On the one hand, it can feel unfair if someone’s relationship is impacted by an interpersonal situation between two other people that they have no part of or control over. On the other hand, some arrangements are just unsustainable, and if your partner decides that they no longer want to date your ex because they are your ex, that’s your partner’s prerogative. 

I have two partners: my husband and my FWB. I am very attracted to both, I climax much more quickly and with much less stimuli with my FWB. There’s nothing they do differently; I just react more. My concern is when talking about my experiences with my FWB with my husband, that he will become aware of the difference and feel discouraged/unattractive/like a bad lover. Might this difference just be New Relationship energy at work? Should I downplay this ease of orgasm when talking with my husband?

It might just be NRE at work. It could be that he has some little technique that he does differently that you don’t notice. It could be that the size, shape, angle, and/or texture of his fingers or other fun bits matches up with yours in just the right way. If you honestly can’t figure out what causes the difference, it’s fine to just chalk it up to the mysteries of the universe or the rich tapestry of life. (If you can figure out the difference, it’s okay to gently request or suggest to your husband that he try some things differently!)

Now, I don’t want to be someone who recommends that you lie by omission - but I’m not sure you need to tell your husband about this specific difference. I think there is a difference between deliberately misrepresenting something because you don’t want to deal with someone’s emotional response to it, and just not saying something that’s unnecessary and won’t make anyone feel good. There’s dishonesty, and there’s tact, is what I am saying.

If one of my partners took me out to an Italian place, and the next week another partner took me to another, less amazing Italian place, I probably wouldn’t say “you know, the place Quandon picked was a lot tastier than this,” because not everything that is true needs to be said. Next time the subject of picking a restaurant came up, I might recommend the other one, but without needing to say “it’s the one Branston took me to, and it’s way better.” That my partner took me out on a date and picked a place that serves my favorite type of food is a situation that doesn’t need to be critiqued, even if it’s imperfect.

If there was something seriously wrong with the food, or if we got there and I really hated the place he’d picked, of course I’d say something. A major project in most people’s lives is finding that sweet spot between “doormat” and “jerk.” But if the sex with your husband is fun, and he makes you come, even if he doesn’t do it with the laser precision of an android specifically and individually designed to pleasure you, it might not merit comment. 

So unless you two have an agreement that requires a blow-by-blow of every sexual encounter, it’s probably not relevant. And even if you do talk about sex, unless you give specific timestamps of everyone’s actions and orgasms, this difference is probably not going to be super clear. It’s fun to talk about sex, sure, but you can mention something fun or interesting without going “oh, and also, he totally brings me to orgasm way easier than you!” If he asks, don’t lie, but there’s no real need to make that detail a part of the conversation. 

I’m dating a guy who lives quite a few states away from me (we’re both in the US), and he’s dating…I believe three other people currently. I’m not sure at this point, to be honest with you. Lately it seems he doesn’t want to talk to me anymore. He ignored my birthday or simply forgot, and we just don’t talk much anymore. I feel like maybe I should end my romantic relationship with him and just be friends, but it’s hard. I don’t want to hurt him since another one of his SOs just broke up w/him.

I’m probably biased because this is the exact reason I broke up with my long-distance boyfriend of 6 years, and even though it sucked, it was ultimately the right choice for me.

End this relationship, friend. He’s not meeting your needs, and the only reason you gave for not wanting to end it is something that has nothing to do with you.

You could always try one last stand: letting him know that him neglecting your birthday really bothered you, and asking him to commit to spending more time and energy making the long-distance thing work. But be prepared for him to refuse, or to make the promise and then not keep it. And if you’re already at the point where you want to leave, just leave. 

i’ve been in a relationship for about 8 months now. my partner is occasionally suicidal and is not very good at regulating their emotions and dealing with negativity. they are not clinically diagnosed with anything because their family is averse to the idea of it. For a few months now i’ve been spending a lot (like 60-70%) of my energy coping with my partner’s distress, be it moodiness and irritation directed at me, or being ignored for a hours at a time, or rebutting unending thoughts of self hatred, and dealing with suicide attempts (twice) late into the night. i feel very drained and tired, but feel as if i cannot leave because of their instability. it is a vicious cycle of me constantly reassuring them that i love them to prevent them from overthinking and becoming insecure about the relationship, making it difficult for me to leave because I keep telling them that I’m not going to. truthfully, i say most of my “i love you"s and "i miss you"s to even it out with how much they say it to me. i am at a loss and don’t know what to do. I feel an immense loss of self esteem, emotional regulation, self identity and social interaction with my family and friends i love. the responsibility for their emotional well-being is becoming unbelievably difficult to carry, but i cant bring myself to put it down because of some stupid promises i’ve made.

Let me be the first person to release you from this sense of obligation. You are never, ever required to shoulder the emotional weight for another person’s problems. If a relationship is causing you “an immense loss of self esteem, emotional regulation, self identity and social interaction,” then it is not healthy for you and you need to leave it. It is okay to do what you need, do what’s best for you, even if it will make someone else unhappy. Their mental health is not your responsibility.

Whatever you decide to do, this situation cannot continue. It is not fair to you, and it is not fair to your partner. You are not a mental health professional, and even if you were, it is inappropriate for “mental health support caregiver” and “romantic partner” to be the same person. Suicide attempts are serious, and next time, you need to call 911 instead of trying to handle it on your own. You either need to take serious steps to set new boundaries with this person and help them find healthier sources of help and support. Something needs to change so you can shift your position to “supportive partner” instead of “24/7 crisis counselor.”

That, or you need to leave the relationship. If you want to leave the relationship, you should. You do not deserve to be in a situation where you are draining all of yourself, and you don’t owe anyone your continued presence in an unhealthy relationship, regardless of what you have promised in the past. You may need to enlist friends, adults, or professionals to support you and your partner through the breakup. A breakup will be messy, and painful, and you may feel guilt, but that doesn’t mean it’s impossible or that you are not allowed to leave the relationship.

If this person is unable to access mental health services through their family, there are still options for them. You can point them to a crisis hotline or text line. If your partner is in school, speak to a teacher or counselor in a position to help them. You can talk to your own parents and get their help to advocate for your partner as well. You can offer to sit with your partner and help them draft a letter to their parents asking for mental health help, or offer to sit with them and have that conversation in person, or help them strategize about how to get professional help through other avenues. What you cannot - and should not - do is continue to take on all of this yourself. 

Also, since your mental health is being so poorly impacted, you may also benefit from talking to a therapist - talk to your parents, an adult at your school, or someone else who can connect you with services. 

How do you get over the feeling that your relationships are inherently unsustainable? I feel so isolated sometimes that I wonder if dating both my partners is futile bc no one I ever see seems to have the same situation

Can you identify whether there are people, or media, or other influences in your life that are the source of this feeling? What, or who, has implied to you that your relationships are inherently unsustainable? Cut that influence out of your life as soon and as much as possible.

Having any kind of identity, relationship, or lifestyle that you don’t see frequently and positively reflected in the world can feel isolating and alienating. And you’re right, it can be hard to see depictions of other people in similar situations. But they are out there!

The way you “get over that feeling” is by actively seeking out positive, healthy messages and amplifying them in your own life, while at the same time avoiding and challenging negative messages. I give a lot of advice about doing that in this post and this post!

Check my resources here as well and consider joining a polyamorous forum or meetup group to meet other like-minded friends. Here is some information on finding polyamorous representation in media. And if you find that fear, shame, and isolation continue to be serious problems for you, talk to a polyamory-informed mental health professional.

My boyfriend dumped me last week. We had been together for 8 months. He took my virginity. I found out his ex moved back in with him not even a week later. I don’t know how to deal with this, and I don’t know how to let him go. He broke up with me over text and cut me out of his life completely. I can’t seem to do that, I still care. I still care about him. I don’t know how to stop. He keeps posting depressing stuff off his social media, and I feel bad. Why do I care if he doesn’t care about me?

First off, stop looking at his social media. Block him, unfriend him, do what you have to to make that happen.

Being dumped sucks. It hurts. It hurts bad. There’s no way around that. The only way out is through. It’s only been a week, so of course the wound is fresh and unbearable. But time will heal this, I promise.

You don’t need to “know how to stop” caring about him. Feelings are pesky and tricky in that they don’t change form even if you try really hard to change them. You can’t brute-force yourself into feeling better right away. Let yourself grieve. Let yourself be angry. Someone else hurt you. It’s okay to feel whatever you need to feel about that.

Take care of yourself. Find distractions. Do what feels good. See a fun movie. Go out with friends. Eat ice cream. Let yourself cry. Pet a dog. Take long showers. Follow a bunch of new tumblrs. Find ways to make it through the days, and slowly this painful episode will fade farther and farther back into the past.

You can do this! It will be okay, I promise.

I’m married to a man and I have a long distance gf. She came to visit me for the first time and it was amazing. My mono husband got along great with her. We’ve talked about him possibly being with others since I’m ace. He insists he doesn’t want to do anything with anyone else. Yesterday while I’m showering he gets on top of her and bites her ear, neck, and thigh. My gf told me because she was happy about it, she started getting interested in him. I had a huge fight with my husband I felt betrayed and cheated on because he didn’t talk to me about it first before doing anything. I need communication. I felt cheated on. Hurt and angry. He said it just happened, that it’s a grey area. He said sorry and felt bad for hurting me. I just kept asking why, and he didn’t know. How do I gain back my trust in him? I wasn’t mad at her, just him. If he had talked to me about it first I would have been ok with it. He thought maybe I would find it hot but he wasn’t gonna tell me until after she left to go back home and that upset me too. He never cries but he cried when he talked because he would never outright hurt me and cheat on me. I feel a little better after talking to him but I’m still hurt. I don’t know how to get over that. I’m not mad at her because she has so much more freedom in her poly relationship than me so she’s used to doing stuff without really having to talk to partners about it. My husband and I agreed to talk to each other when something happens. He wants to know who and what we did. 

Situations like this can feel really complex, but I think this one breaks down pretty simply:

1.) You and your husband have an open relationship 

2.) You and your husband have a rule in your open relationship where you “agreed to talk to each other” about their other partners/dates

3.) Your husband did something with another person without checking in with you before or after

The core issue is that your husband violated a core agreement of your relationship. You feel betrayed by that.

The steps to resolving it are:

1.) Figure out whether you and your husband were on the same page about the agreement. Did he, in good faith, genuinely think he was staying within the terms of your arrangement? Did he think just planning to tell you afterwards, on his own timeline, was totally fine? If so, the issue here is confusion and miscommunication. He did something hurtful, but not intentionally - so while he doesn’t need to apologize or be punished for acting with malice, he should own the consequences of what he did. You two then need to figure out how to clear up misunderstandings about the terms of your relationship going forward.

2.) If it turns out that he did have a sense that he was doing something that would hurt you, you two need to figure out why he did it anyway. Did he think telling you would create an emotional situation he didn’t feel up to managing? What can you two do to create a safer strategy for openness and honesty? Did he just get caught up in the moment and do something impulsive that he now regrets? What can you two do to manage your relationship in a way that makes space for the dynamic weirdness of humans without setting someone up to get hurt?

3.) Figure out what you need to heal from this. He cannot go back in time and undo what he did. So you need to sit down with your emotions and have a chat with them about what you need, in a realistic framing. Do you need a sincere apology? Do you need some time and space? Do you need a specific commitment from him to adhere to a specific, newly-clarified agreement? Figure out what you need, and ask for it.

So I was cheated on and when I confronted him about it he said “I thought you knew”. Of course I broke up with him and it’s staying that way. There’s just one problem. He’s in my club that comes over to my house once every week. I haven’t made a fuss over it or complained about it but I’m emotionally confused about what I’m supposed to do. P.S. he’s my first kiss

It’s very okay to feel emotionally confused when you have to see your ex at your house once a week! There is nothing you are “supposed” to do - besides do what is best and healthiest for you.

If you feel up to it, there is nothing wrong with just keeping a cool distance from him, being polite and civil but focusing your energy on anything or anyone else. It can be a really powerful feeling to know that you are Being The Grownup and Taking The High Road, if that’s how you can frame it. If he tries to use the club meetings to “win you back” or jockey for your attention, tell him once that he needs to give you space, and if he continues, let him know that he’s not welcome at your house anymore.

But you are not obligated to even try being around him! And if this club is small enough or does something emotionally intimate, like discussion groups or improv or anything else that makes it uncomfortable to do with the ex who cheated on you, it might not be feasible.

Since he is the person who let you down and torpedoed the relationship, he should have been gracious enough to offer to bow out of the club. But he didn’t, so, boo on him. You would be well within your rights to ask him, privately, “hey, since we aren’t together anymore, and since our breakup was really painful for me, I think it would be best if you stopped coming to club meetings at my house.”

Now, there’s always the potential that he could decide to blow this up into some drama, try and insist that he has every right to be there, try and get people on his side, etc. The key is that you do not engage. Do not participate in, or escalate, any of the drama. Simply go about your club-hosting duties, don’t gossip or vent to anyone else in the club about him, and let everyone see you being your best self.

You will get over this jerk, I promise! It will be annoying to have to keep seeing him because of this club, but just know your boundaries, set them clearly, and hold others to them. 

Hey, so I’m poly, and I really want to have a poly relationship, but my partner is not comfortable with it. (Well she says she is and then flip flops and we get into huge arguments about it and she accuses me of just wanting to whore around.) I was “closeted” for months because I didn’t want to upset my partner by asking about it but now it’s out in the open and I feel like she doesn’t trust me– and she doesn’t want a poly relationship. What should I do? She doesn’t respect that I’m poly…

You have three basic options:

1.) Stay in this relationship with the understanding that monogamy is a requirement in this relationship, and be willing to make that sacrifice or compromise to stay with your partner. Many relationships do include such sacrifices or compromises, with one partner setting aside a desire that is incompatible with the relationship. 

2.) Leave the relationship, because the required terms of the relationship - monogamy - are not a sacrifice or compromise you can make. Many relationships end when one partner realizes that they simply cannot make the sacrifice or compromise the other one needs, whether that’s a move to a new city, having or not having children, etc.

3.) Continue to stay in the relationship and continue attempting to convince your partner to be open to a polyamorous relationship. I don’t recommend this, nor do I believe it will be effective or enjoyable, but it is a choice that you have. If someone has made it clear that they are not comfortable with something, there is not much you can do to change their mind, but if you are okay tolerating the conflict that this continued conversation creates, you can keep pushing for it. Your partner’s response to this may be to shut down, to escalate the conflict, or to leave the relationship.

You can read my FAQ about this here.

Every time my girlfriend starts seeing a new person she kind of forgets about her other partners, or maybe it’s just me, and I’ve tried to talk about it with her and she gets really upset and tells me I’m just being jealous and possessive which isn’t true. She stop paying attention to me, she talks less, seems uninterested, stops asking me to do things, and talks about the other person a lot. The relationships don’t last long but it still bothers me to be cast aside like that. Idk what to do.

This is a relatively well-known phenomenon in polyamory called New Relationship Energy, or NRE. I am of the belief that NRE is everyone’s responsible - the person experiencing NRE needs to manage it such that they aren’t being totally selfish, and the other partners need to recognize that this is part of the ebb and flow of a polyamorous relationship.

Dating a new person is, for some people, fun and exciting and thrilling in a very specific way. Some people don’t like this newness, because things like figuring out how to flirt and not being sure of the other person’s feelings is stressful and exhausting. Some people see the early-dating games as just things you have to get past to be in a comfortable, secure relationship. But, for other people, it is a pleasure that can be nearly impossible to experience inside a long-term relationship.

I am, personally, something of an NRE thrill-seeker. I like being pursued and pursuing; I like the little butterflies I feel when a new partner answers my text. With my partner of 9 years, I absolutely love and enjoy him, but it isn’t super exciting when he answers my texts, because I know he’s going to. I love short little flings, but I recognize that this is not a thing I can expect all my partners to intuitively understand.

The thing about a new relationship is that it does tend to take more time and focus than an established relationship. Rather than coming over and flopping around on the couch if we have nothing planned, new relationships require dates, which require planning and time. And a new person does occupy a lot of thought-space, daydreaming about them, thinking about when and how to answer their most recent message, etc. This necessarily takes time away from established partners.

So it sounds like what’s happening is that your partner really enjoys NRE, but doesn’t have the language to identify what it is and what’s important to her about it. Since she cherishes this feeling, when you ask her to minimize or drop the focus on new partners, she gets defensive and accuses you of being jealous or possessive, because from her perspective, you’re asking her to stop doing something she really enjoys and does not want to stop.

From your perspective, she is “casting you aside,” but from hers, she is just doing something fun with her time, and it doesn’t have anything to do with how she feels about you. It sounds like there is a lot of room for compromise on both sides. She does not owe you 100% of her time and focus, but she also doesn’t have the right to be dismissive or inconsiderate. When she’s enjoying an NRE-heavy fling with a new partner, perhaps you could make the request that she not talk about them with you, that she not be texting them while with you, etc. Whatever specific behavior she is doing that makes you feel like she’s not interested in you, bring that up.

You may also have to make the compromise of accepting that there will be periods where she’s less available to you - just as there would be if you had a partner who traveled often for work or had a very sick relative that they cared for. It sounds like she returns to you in the end and her affection for you at its core isn’t threatened by these flings, so setting up the expectation that sometimes she enjoys throwing herself into a new relationship and you may need to do more of the date-planning or see less of her for a while could help on your end.

Of course, if you find it really uncomfortable to date someone who is way more NRE-seeking than you and who needs the freedom to enter these periods of lower-availability, you are well within your rights to decide that this relationship isn’t for you. But I’ve found that in the case of NRE-induced friction, putting names to the feelings and clarifying expectations can really help. 

My fiancé wants to swing and I’m extremely uneasy. At first I trusted him quite a bit. There have been a couple situations I felt betrayed & that he took my trust as naivety. He purposely kept secret the extent of a friendship he knew I would be uncomfortable with. He says that being in an open relationship we’ll have to be completely honest & open with each other. I have always been very open with him, I’m struggling to really believe he will be open with me. Nearly every time we talk about this I panic.

If you panic when you talk about this, try writing it down. You two can have this conversation over text or email - even if you live together, some things are easier to hash out when you have time to think it over and read it over and draft it.

Talk specifically about the situations where you felt betrayed, particularly this issue of him hiding something from you. Point out that if he wants honesty from you, he needs to also be honest with you. If he can’t do that, then this simply cannot work.

It sounds like you are trying to make this work, but he is so unwilling to meet you halfway that he is being dishonest to avoid having to work on meeting your emotional needs. There is a big gray area between “I’m totally okay with this” and “I am absolutely not okay with this,” and he needs to help you navigate that space. If he’s insisting that you do 100% of the emotional work while he experiences zero consequences in your relationship for his choices, well, that’s a problem and he is not a healthy person to be in this relationship with.

In a new quad couple relationship. He wants everything equal. Like she comes over here, I should go over there. I don’t see that as feasible. They are newer to polyamory than my husband and I. I don’t want to upset him or her. IDK what to say or do without upsetting the situation.

In some cases, it’s impossible to have the conversation that needs to be had without introducing a little bit of conflict. 

It is okay to set some boundaries, being gentle but firm. You could say something like:

“I know you want to try and keep things equal, but in my experience, rigid ‘score-counting’ and insisting on exact equality harms more than it helps. It is unrealistic to expect that what every couple does together is perfectly mirrored by the other two. For me, ‘equality’ doesn’t mean ‘everyone does the same thing,’ it means ‘everyone gets what they need.’ It’s a feeling and a philosophy rather than a balance sheet. What makes you feel ‘unequal,’ and how can we address that? What needs do you have? What fears, needs, or desires make you want such exact ‘equality’ of time spent? And how can we meet those without holding our relationships to impossible rules?”

If he is so stuck on this that he insists that the only way for this to work is to adhere to a standard and practice you find impossible, perhaps this is not a person you’re compatible with in a quad-couple arrangement.

Two of my friends have been dating for a little while. I spend a lot of time with them and I know a lot about their relationship, to the point that we often joke about the three of us dating. How could I encourage/introduce this idea without being too bold about it?

Why are you worried about being “too bold”? Is there a specific concern you have, a reaction you definitely don’t want? In my experience, it’s nearly impossible to have a conversation like this without being bold.

You gotta just bring it up with honesty and openness. “Hey, you know how we joke sometimes about the three of us dating? Do you think that’s actually something you’d be interested in trying?” If they go “oh my god, no, I’m sorry, that really is just a joke!” then you have your answer - but if they are also interested, you can have a conversation about every person’s fears, desires, etc. Good luck!

My fiance and his girlfriend had been having issues recently and it causes me a lot of anxiety. They have worked on things but I panic when they hang out because I was abused and I noticed red flags. But also I have a lot of issues and feel like I can’t ask for help if they are hanging out. I end up feeling like I messed up everything if I do ask for help and she held me asking him for help against him. But also feel bad because I now feel like I need help so often that they dont have time to help

Anxiety and panic from past trauma can be big, hairy, and challenging. It is good that you are reaching out for help, but it is also okay for other people to recognize that they cannot be your 24/7 crisis management team. I am sorry to hear that your partner’s partner is “holding it against him” - that is not a healthy way for her to set that boundary. But it sounds like there are unmet needs all over the place here.

You have done the work of recognizing that you need help, and reaching out for it, which is awesome. But you may need to start expanding your network of resources. When your partner is with his girlfriend, it is okay for him to want some uninterrupted time without also needing to be present to your struggles. If you aren’t already working with a therapist on this, please consider doing that. Check out online support forums or chats, self-help workbooks and activities as well. Reach out to other friends who may be able to sit with you or talk with you when your partner isn’t available. Work on developing independent self-soothing techniques.

This can help you take some of the weight off your relationship with your fiance, so he has more “emotional bandwidth” for the times when you really need him, and so you two can enjoy each other in a relational context that isn’t always centered on helping you. I am not saying that it’s not okay to ask for help, or to need help, but since you’ve recognized that you have more needs than your fiance can meet and the level of that need is causing strain, the solution is to find some more hands to help carry that load and work to lighten the load overall.

my boyfriend always complains i act like im not interested in spending time with him but whenever i ask to spend time with him he acts like i’m asking too much of him and like he has so many things to do he just can’t and if i act sad about him having to leave or do something he gets annoyed and that’s why i don’t ever ‘act interested’ because whenever i do i get called annoying and clingy and told how he cant spend all this time with me. i feel like no matter what i do im going to be wrong.

It doesn’t sound like this is a healthy relationship. Your boyfriend criticizes you for acting “not interested in spending time with him,” but when you do, he says you’re being “annoying and clingy.”

Making someone feel like “no matter what you do, it’s wrong” is emotionally manipulative and cruel. When with a partner, you should feel welcome and accepted and free to relax into your feelings. Being constantly critiqued, policed, and put down for how you act and how you feel is not healthy at all.

You deserve to be with someone who has the emotional maturity to identify their needs and work with you to meet them, rather than demanding some psychic perfection. Leave this relationship.

Do you think the idea of “cutting negative people in your life” idea is as a positive and applicable as it present in most situation? I am in a situation and it’s quite heavy.

“Do no harm, but take no shit.” If someone isn’t healthy for you, you don’t owe them your emotional labor.

Do not become a martyr - do not allow yourself to be drained and drained and drained. But do not become a vampire - do not take and take and take and then flounce off as soon as something is asked of you.

Life is all about balance. All the people I love can be “negative” at times. People are messy, and complicated, and often needy. But I try to surround myself with people who can receive my love in a healthy way. I might feel sad, or tired, or even upset, after tending to them during a rough patch, but it’s in a larger context of a relationship that is meaningful and fulfilling. 

Nearly no one is simply a “negative person” or a “positive person.” And there is a lot of grey area between “set zero boundaries” and “cut someone out of your life entirely.” Sit with yourself and figure out what’s bothering you about this person’s negativity, and identify your needs. Is your need really “to have zero contact with this person,” or is it “to not be their emergency go-to for emotional crises 100% of the time” or is it “to not be criticized for every little thing you do,” etc.? 

If you have noticed a pattern in your life of feeling like you “can’t” set healthy boundaries with people who are draining you, or if you have noticed a pattern where you are far too quick to label someone “negative” and “cut them out” of your life as soon as they reveal imperfection, consider talking to a therapist about this.

My partner has recently developed a new crush on one of his friends that I’ve always been suspicious of them being a little more than friends. He’s recently told me they’ve been fucking around and stuff and it makes me feel very overwhelmed and uncomfortable. He’s told me for so long he didn’t like her and nothing would EVER happen with her and now they’re fucking around and that hurts. I don’t feel comfortable around her anymore and I don’t know what to do. Idk if I can handle this?

I have genuinely no idea what you mean by “fucking around” and I am not clear from your letter whether you and your partner have any kind of open/non-monogamous relationship, so I am afraid I don’t have quite enough context to give great advice.

What I can say, though, is that if your partner is doing things that make you feel uncomfortable, talk to him about it. If he is dismissive of your discomfort, or has any stance besides total willingness to resolve this in a healthy way, then leave the relationship. If you are already done with him about the lying and the hiding, leave the relationship. You deserve to be with someone who isn’t going to minimize your concerns, deny that they’re doing something they’re actually doing, and put you in situations that make you feel uncomfortable and overwhelmed.

What does it mean when someone dumps you constantly and then says ‘let’s be friends’ only to turn around and continue acting like you’re still together? :( I don’t know how to talk to them about it because i know they’re going to get upset or give me some lame excuse of 'i love u i just dont want u to go’ but they’re always the one pushing me away and saying they don’t want to be together and they’re the one who doesn’t want anything real. :(

What does it mean? It means this person is jerking you around for their own benefit. They want to do none of the emotional labor of being in a relationship with you, while getting all the benefits.

If an employer told you they don’t want to have you on the payroll, but really like having you around, would you keep doing work there? I know that it can feel gross to think about romantic or intimate relationships in economic terms, but this person is using you in a similarly exploitative manner.

If you are having sex with this person, stop. If you are doing emotional work for this person, stop. They don’t want to be with you, so don’t be with them. They do not get to have their cake and eat it too. Walk away, and find someone who is willing to actually be with you and not be weirdly cryptic and manipulative about it.  

Partner is new to poly & he sometimes fuck up, like everybody does & can do in poly. He & his other partner are Mono(she)-poly(he) relationship. My partner isn’t all that great at the full on communication & check-in thing but we are working on it & finding solutions. However my metamour isn’t really getting that communication can still go wrong. Both of their communication is unhealthy sometimes & I find myself to pick-up the pieces afterward. We talked about it but what else can I do about it?

Give yourself permission to stop doing that cleanup work after he makes mistakes. It is not your obligation or responsibility to manage your partner’s behavior, or his metamour’s feelings. Decide what is a healthy boundary for you to set and set it, gently but firmly.

For me, personally, I have a policy where I can hear and receive and empathize with my partners when they have an issue with another partner, but I do not give advice or share my own perspective. This can be hard and frustrating when they want to ask “what should I do?” or “do you think they’re being unfair?” but I hold to it, because I’ve found that it just gets too messy otherwise. I’m not saying this is a good rule of thumb for anyone but me, just giving an example. 

If you’ve seen a pattern that is starting to bother you, speak up - but stay focused on you and your partner’s relationship. “When you’re having a fight with Blargaret, you get snippy and withdrawn around me, and then I feel like I have to facilitate you two making up so I can get you back. I’m no longer going to take on the emotional work of resolving a situation that I didn’t create and have no control over. Let’s talk about how we can solve this, together.”

It is great that people who are newly polyamorous often have experienced polyamorous partners to ‘guide’ them, but be mindful of how much emotional labor you’re doing on his behalf. If you’re the training wheels, you gotta let him do the pedaling. And if, ultimately, it becomes unhealthy or untenable for you to keep dating someone with a tough metamour situation, it’s okay to end the relationship.