I'm in a triad and no longer want to date one of the people, but want to stay with the other one

I'm in a triad with a male Dom and female Dom, with me being the sub. They were a couple first. I tend to value independence in my Dominants, but the male Dom is almost 30 and still expects his mom to do his laundry, drive him, shopping, provide housing, cook, etc. There's no disability related reason preventing him from caring for himself, he simply chose to prioritize other things over his independence. He's finally moving out (not by choice) and ranted at both of us about how his mom packed for him as well as other things she "did wrong". This ranting is a pattern and usually sounds entitled and misogynistic.

Both of us got sick of it and separately told him he should stop expecting her to do things. He withheld emotional love from the other female and twisted what I said; as well as denied saying things I have proof in text he said previously. Honestly, after all this, I lost the spark I had for him completely; I don't find him attractive and worry he's being emotionally abusive in private to the other woman. I still care about the woman and am completely lost what to do. Address my concerns he's emotionally abusive with her privately? Break up with both of them? Propose staying with her and cutting him out? 

It sounds like you should end this relationship with him, period. You don't want to, and should not, continue dating him. It's up to your other partner whether she wants to continue dating you outside of the triad. You can ask her how she feels about that, and see what her concerns and hopes are.

You should not try and convince or cajole her into breaking up with him. Never give an ultimatum like "break up with him, or I'll break up with you." You can explain your concerns, give examples of his behavior that you find troubling, and be clear about why you no longer want to be in a relationship that includes him. She can then make her own choices. 

Obviously, the triad is over, but if you continue dating her, you'll need to be clear with her and with yourself about how comfortable you are with having him as a metamour (partner-of-partner) and how involved you're willing to be in any sex, conversations, hangouts, etc. where he's around. You may also need to draw clear boundaries around discussing him with her, especially in terms of his rants, drama, and manipulative behavior. 

It may simply not be possible to make a new relationship work with her, and that's frustrating and disappointing, but it happens. It is absolutely not worth continuing to put up with this guy just to stay with this woman, especially if staying with her means you continue to be emotionally or sexually wrapped up in his nonsense.

REMINDER: Comments are now open on the main site, www.askpolyamory.com! Check out the commenting rules, and come join us! 

My partner isn't affectionate to me when his other partner is around

I’ve been dating this guy casually for a year or so, and he has a partner that he’s been with for almost 10 years. They’re a wonderful couple and we speak openly about our relationships together, but when she’s around he doesn’t flirt with me at all. I know I’m not the main girl, but it sucks being treated differently just in front of her. Do I ask for more attention or should I just look for attention else where? How do I not offend anyone and address this in a formal manner?

Healthy polyamory, and healthy relationships of all types, are about communication! This is totally something that's valid to bring up. Be specific and focus on what's observable. "Hey, whenever we're around Esmeretta, you never call me 'babe'/kiss me/hold my hand/etc. and that's starting to bother me. Is that something specific you two have negotiated, or is this something we can talk about and work on?"

It's possible that he's doing it subconsciously or just assuming that it would be more comfortable for everyone if he acted in this way. A little more intentionality and awareness is never a bad thing! 

Don't just assume that because you've been dating him for less time that you're "not the main girl." Polyamorous relationships don't need to be ranked - you can both be on a 'level' where you have his flirty and affectionate attention. Don't relegate yourself to a place where you don't get to ask for what you want because you think that's how things are set up. 

If he comes right out and tells you that it's intentional - that he, or she, or both of them are uncomfortable with him being flirty while she's around - then you have to decide whether you want to be in an arrangement where, after dating someone for a year, you still don't get the type of attention you want because of another person's preferences. 

REMINDER: Comments are now open on the main site, www.askpolyamory.com! Check out the commenting rules, and come join us! 

A documentary said all polygamy is abusive, but isn't most polyamory healthy and consensual?

Hello my grandmother is watching this show called "Escaping Polygamy" with me now about a giant polygamist cult that has camps all over the us and it absolutely horrible what is happening to these women. Abuse, rape, incest, marriage to minors, etc. This show makes it seem that all of polygamy is abusive which is not true at all most relationships are understanding, healthy, and consensual. How do I explain this when I don't fully understand myself?

Polygamy as practiced by these dangerous cults is NOT the same as polyamory as practiced by consenting adults. I discuss the differences here. A lot of people find it easier to see the difference in things when there are different words for them. "Polygamy" is not the same as "polyamory," so you can start there. Polygamy carries connotations of cults, forced marriage, abuse, misogyny, etc. and polyamorous people do not use that word.

What you and your grandma saw in that show is real, and it's horrible. It is the truth of polygamous cults. Child marriage, patriarchal oppression of women, and sexual abuse are wrong in every way, and we should advocate against them. The show is correct that "all of polygamy is abusive" if we give over the term "polygamy" to those oppressive cults, which we've generally decided to do. Polyamorous people do not believe the same things, do the same things, or defend any of what the polygamous cults do. 

Polyamory means "many loves," and it involves freely consenting adults living in love, joy, community, and freedom. It has nothing to do with religious or cult-based polygamy, and is in many ways the polar opposite! 

It's sort of like saying "violence against your partner is always abuse and never okay" and also saying "consensual impact play in BDSM is healthy and fine." Both statements are true; they don't overlap, one does not need to yield or make excuses for the other. They are two completely different things, and it's important to be able to recognize the differences. We can honor the pain and reality of the victims of polygamous cults, and honor the freedom and health of consenting polyamorous adults, without having to hedge, make excuses, or compromise.

I'd encourage you to read through some of the introductory resources on my FAQ page, so you can have more examples, terms, and arguments for healthy polyamory next time it comes up. But don't feel like you have to equivocate or defend the disgusting practices of polygamous cults; it's not relevant in this case. 

REMINDER: Comments are now open on the main site, www.askpolyamory.com! Check out the commenting rules, and come join us! 

I don't want to be polyamorous, and my partner is guilting me about it

My partner is making me feel bad that I’d like to stay monogamous with them and have our romantic relationship be that one. They talk about having to use daydreaming to cope and read fanfiction as well and will do it with me there when I want to try and do stuff with them like hanging out and relaxing together. It just makes me uncomfortable that they have to do it to cope as they put it and we have discussions but it more and more seems to be a “you have to accept this” situation.

If someone asks you for something, and then won't take "no" for an answer, they weren't really asking in the first place.

It's one thing for a partner to ask for a compromise, like that you be okay with them indulging in polyamorous fantasies and fanfiction. But spacing out, ignoring you, or getting lost in any media while they're hanging out with you isn't cool. Ask them if they could put the phone down or try to be more present to you during your time. If they can't or won't, then that's information you have about what being in a relationship with them is like.

I've said before that I really dislike the phrase "cope with" as it relates to a partner's needs or behaviors. If your partner is treating you like something they have to find ways to "cope with," that's an unfair and unhealthy framing. Performing how miserable they are in the terms of your relationship is manipulative, and no one should be guilt-tripped into polyamory. I'm of the opinion that living in resentment is never good, and if you make a decision, you should make it wholeheartedly, and commit.

One of my partners is terribly allergic to cats, so I can't get a cat. If I did, he wouldn't be able to come over to my house, ever, or even cuddle with me without me showering and changing first. This bums me out, because I like cats - but I've decided that it's worth it to stay with him. So I live with that decision, and don't wallow in the "what-if"s. I don't show him photos of cute kittens and say "see, that's what I could have if it wasn't for your issues." I don't bemoan my cat-less life. If having a cat was that important to me, I could leave the relationship. I decided not to - that was my decision, and I need to own and live in that decision. I can be privately bummed out that the stars didn't align for me to have this relationship AND a kitty, but I made my choice, and it's best to move on and live in the world that exists. 

So, you're within your rights to ask your partner to drop this issue, to stop guilting you and making it seem like your relationship is this terrible psychic burden they must cope with. If they can't or won't, you should probably leave the relationship. It's not fair to either of you to stay in this situation, and you don't deserve to feel like a problem to be dealt with.

REMINDER: Comments are now open on the main site, www.askpolyamory.com! Check out the commenting rules, and come join us! 

My boyfriend wants me to be comfortable trying polyamory, but I am not

My boyfriend wants to have a poly relationship and I've expressed how uncomfortable it would make me. He says he wants me to be comfortable and trusting enough to do it. I'm afraid that if we end up trying it, that I won't like it and he'll continue and I'll be uncomfortable.

When you say that he wants you to be comfortable enough to do it, I'm not sure if you mean he's said "I want to do this, but only if you're comfortable with it" or "I want you to become comfortable with this."

The first one is fine; he's told you what he wants, but seems to understand that you don't want that. If you're not able or willing to try polyamory, that's totally your right. He can decide to stay in a mono relationship with you, or decide he has to leave the relationship because being able to pursue polyamory is a dealbreaker for him.

The second one is less fine. You don't get to just ask someone to have a feeling; we don't have little knobs inside our brain we can fiddle with and get ourselves to the settings that someone wants us to have. If he is trying to pressure or guilt you into "being comfortable" with something you simply aren't comfortable with, that's not okay. Tell him to drop the issue, and if he won't, leave him.

Your last sentence also concerns me. You're dating someone who, somehow, through his actions or words, has made you worry that he'd continue doing something even if you're uncomfortable with it. It has nothing to do with polyamory - if my boyfriend invited me to try rock climbing with him, but I was worried that if I tried it and didn't like it, he'd continue to pressure me into doing it, not accept my expression that I didn't want to anymore, and try to hold me permanently to my initial willingness to try it out, that would be a major red flag that he just isn't healthy to date.

It's completely fine to try something in good faith, then realize, based on what you learned while trying it, that you don't like it. If someone won't accept that, or bulldozes over your feelings, they are not someone you should be dating. Do not be with someone who makes you worry that they won't listen to or respect how you feel. 

An anonymous media request re: "stigma" and "oppression"

Hi there. I'm a writer for a lifestyle site called MEL Magazine, and I'm working on a piece about how the poly community portrays the stigma against it. While I agree that anti-poly stigma exists, there's a troubling trend of some poly people likening it to homophobia, racism, and other prejudices people may think of as incomparable. Do you see polyamorous people as literally being denied civil rights or oppressed by state power? Or are a few individuals playing the victim?

Okay, I wasn't originally going to even answer this, because I find it obnoxious for a number of reasons. It seems very odd for a magazine writer to reach out to me with an anonymous tumblr message rather than an email - I've done media requests and interviews and given quotes before, but generally, the journalist contacts me through email and we can chat back and forth, answer questions, clarify, etc. But in order to answer you, I have to post this publicly and anonymously.  Despite this, I decided to answer it, so here you go:

You've got both a strawman and a false dichotomy in your question.

First off, you cite a "troubling trend of some poly people" saying something, but you don't actually cite any examples. I'm active in the polyamorous community, both online and in a very polyam-friendly area, and I do not hear this. Ever. Something you heard someone say, or something you saw floating around tumblr, is not enough to put words in an entire community's mouth. You're making up a position to respond to that just doesn't exist, which is called straw-manning and is a fallacious, irresponsible way to start out.

I googled "polyamory stigma" and the first page is full of results where people have realistic, even-handed discussions of the problems and stigma that polyamorous people do face, without needing to make spurious comparisons to other types of oppression. It is true that polyamorous people face rejection from families and friends as well as a lack of access to healthcare, financial security, legal protections, hospital visitation, and child custody issues. It is also true that there is not a history of institutional violence against polyam people the way there has been against women, people of color, and LGBT people. Those facts can co-exist.

Someone's struggle can be real and valid without needing to compare it to other, different struggles. And that's the second issue: you have a false dichotomy in your question. You're trying to put words in my mouth and force me to either say something ridiculous and critiquable - that polyam people are "literally being denied civil rights" on the scale of Jim Crow or somesuch - or to turn me against other (alleged) people in my community and make me dismissively accuse them of "playing the victim." I will not be quoted saying either, despite your attempt to force me into this unfair either-or.

If you want me to respond to a genuine position someone else is taking, then cite and quote it. But it should be a legitimate source, not something someone told you once. People are out there saying all kinds of ridiculous things, I'm sure - but being part of a minority group doesn't obligate me to speak for, or defend, everything everyone else is saying. I'm not responsible for managing the entire discourse around polyamory and oppression, and it's disingenuous of you to try and make me out to be.

I'd be happy to speak with you about specific issues I've faced in my career, family, community, and healthcare as a result of my polyamory - but you'd need to ask me more clearly and responsibly.

Here is some reading you can do to get a better sense of what this "troubling trend" really looks like:

How do we handle health insurance and other legal/financial issues as a polyamorous household?

My husband and I are married. We want to add our third to our insurance and things like that but what is the best way to make sure she is covered? Can she be covered?

For multipartner households, things like child custody, health insurance, hospital visitation, join finances, etc. can be challenging. If you feel comfortable, try checking to see if your employer has a program that lets you ask legal and financial questions of a professional - most large companies have these. Your health insurance company may also have a contact line where you can ask questions like this.

Some polyamorous families create LLCs or other types of 'business' organizations to manage insurance and finances. I personally can't give much info about this, since I've never done it; I do all my insurance, taxes, etc. as a 'single' person. Hiring a lawyer or accountant to help you get this all sorted out could really be worth it!

Here are some resources about polyamory and legal/financial issues:

My partner is going through a divorce - what now?

My partner is currently going through a divorce. What the hell do I do?

That question is probably best posed to your partner. Ask them what they need from you to get through this tough time. Maybe they need patience on your part and an acceptance that you'll see less of them while they hunker down and deal with this. Maybe they need a soft shoulder and someone to vent to. Maybe they need cheerful, upbeat distractions from someone who isn't involved and doesn't need to talk constantly about the divorce logistics. 

You also need to make sure you're getting your needs met during this high-stress time. Your partner probably won't be able to do a bunch of emotional labor for you, so you'll need to find somewhere to 'dump out' while you 'comfort in.' Friends, a therapist, a hobby, other partners - make sure you've got outlets as well. 

REMINDER: Comments are now open on the main site, www.askpolyamory.com! Check out the commenting rules, and come join us! 

I'm okay with my partner seeing other people, but he's secretive about it, which makes me feel like he's cheating

Do you consider it cheating when your partner hides the fact they have other partners? My partner is poly but he often hides when he's started a new relationship or he hides how serious the relationships are and this has really damaged my trust in him. I'm not sure if it can be considered cheating since he is in fact poly but I don't think it's okay for him to hide these other partners? What is your opinion?

There is no standard "cheating" that you can measure various behaviors against. For some people, this wouldn't feel like cheating - but it feels that way to you, and it's not a dynamic you want in your relationship. That's what matters.

Talk to your partner about this issue. Tell him that he does not need to hide his relationships, and that when he does, it feels sketchy and cheat-y. Let him know that you're okay with things as long as they're out in the open.

Ask him if there's anything you've done or said that makes him feel like he should be doing this. Figure out why he seems to be more comfortable hiding and downplaying his other relationships. Work out a way that's safe and comfortable for both of you to be open and honest.

If he's not willing to do this - if he denies that he's been hiding things from you, or says that's just how he wants to do things, or insists you're overreacting or have no right to be annoyed when you find out he's been lying by omission (or straight up lying) - end the relationship, because he's not someone you can be in a healthy polyamorous relationship with. 

My partner insists on dating other people, which makes me miserable

my girlfriend cheated on me with one of our friends. she told me before she cheated that she had feelings for him, but i told her i was not comfortable with it because i am mono and feel horrible about the idea of her with someone else but she kissed him anyways. she now has decided she is dating both of us without my consent. i really do not want to leave our relationship, we both love each other so much and wanted to spend the rest of our lives together, and i feel like leaving would endanger both mine and her lives. she is not mentally stable but sees a therapist. i don't know what to do, because she says she needs both of us to be happy, but if that happens i’m going to be increasingly depressed. i’m just so lost right now and there doesn’t seem to be any way to solve this.

Your partner cheated on you, is trying to force you into polyamory without your consent, and is holding your emotions hostage by saying that you being happy is a "need" that somehow she deserves to have met. You know that staying in this relationship on these terms will make you "increasingly depressed." Friend, you've got to leave this relationship.

What you want to keep is your ideal, best-case-scenario possibility of this relationship, not the reality of it. What you're holding onto doesn't exist anymore. The sooner you get out, the sooner you can start healing.

It is not okay, and not healthy, to be held hostage to implied, or explicit, threats of suicide. You are not obligated to stay with someone just because their mental health would be impacted by you leaving. It's okay to call your partner's therapist and see if they can help you and her through this; or to ask your partner if you can come to a session with her. You also absolutely need to see someone yourself - please find a therapist asap. Reach out to friends for support. Don't get dragged into a spiral of managing her mental health for her; if she threatens self-harm or suicide, connect her to her therapist, a hotline, or a friend, and then take space. 

Check out my mental health resources here, and good luck getting out of this situation. You don't deserve to feel so trapped and unhappy.

REMINDER: Comments are now open on the main site, www.askpolyamory.com! Check out the commenting rules, and come join us! 

Why don't I feel pretty or sexy anymore when I'm with my partner?

Why don't I feel pretty or sexy anymore when I'm with my partner?

I have genuinely no idea; I am not psychic! 

Think about what usually makes you feel sexy, and ask your partner for more of that! Whether it's flirty touches, compliments, specific types of sexual behaviors, etc. Sometimes couples just fall into a 'routine' and it can take some intentional effort to re-ignite the sexy spark. But you gotta identify what creates that spark for you!

Consider getting a bit out of your comfort zone and trying something new together, like taking sexy photos, shopping for a new sex toy or lingerie, getting a couple's massage, going to a sexy event together, sexting each other, etc.

Consider what else might be affecting your sense of self and what you can do to improve your self-esteem independently of your partner. I often feel less sexy when I'm tired or stressed, so think about whether therapy, a lifestyle change, or just some patience through a tough time could help. Some people really enjoy how they feel about their bodies when doing dance, yoga, or martial arts.  

If, after you've tried talking to your partner, putting some effort into re-igniting that spark, and finding your inner sense of sexiness, you still feel like this around your partner, it might not be a healthy relationship to stay in. Partners should make you feel precious, cherished, and wanted - and if your partner can't or won't do that, that's not okay.

REMINDER: Comments are now open on the main site, www.askpolyamory.com! Check out the commenting rules, and come join us! 

My partner and I started seeing someone else, and they're worried they'll break us up

My partner and i just added a third. Our third is afraid of splitting my partner and I up. Is there anyway we can prove to our third that we both want it to be the three of us for the long haul?

Short answer, no: there is very little you can do to change how someone else thinks or feels, and there is nothing you can do in the present to provide 'proof' of something in the future.

However, you can try and talk things out and help everyone understand where everyone else is coming from. Ask your new partner: where are these feelings coming from? Is there something we're saying or doing that's sparking this anxiety? What could we do to help you feel more secure?

You can be reassuring, and let them know that you're both happy with the way things are now, and that you will let them know if concerns come up or something starts to change. Stick to your word on that - be open, honest, and vulnerable. People often find it easier to trust you after you've demonstrated that you're willing to say awkward, uncomfortable truths and share difficult feelings, even if it's a smaller-stakes issue.

Let them know that this isn't their problem to worry about, that you two are committed to making the triad work, and that if something comes up in the future, you'll handle it then. Talk about what you like about this new triad and your best-case-scenarios for the future.

Sometimes, things like this fade with time. Newness and change are scary, and our brains sometimes funnel that nebulous anxiety into specific fears, whether or not they're grounded. Stay in the present, knowing that the three of you can cross future bridges when you come to them, trusting your future selves to handle what comes up, and doing your best not to 'borrow trouble' if things are working out right now.

REMINDER: Comments are now open on the main site, www.askpolyamory.com! Check out the commenting rules, and come join us! 

some lovely fanmail

I don't usually publish letters that don't have a question, but here are a handful of lovely notes from lovely readers! If you like my blog, please consider supporting me on Patreon!

Just want to say I'm relieved to have found this blog. It has been a week since I realized I am polyamory and this blog is helping me to understand this new bit I just learned about myself. I can't believe I'm 26 and going down another journey of self-discovery ahahaha I thought I was done with it after realizing I was bisexual, but apparently not. Just thanks for existing!

I'm so happy for you, and glad my blog could help you on this journey of self-discovery. I've known I'm polyamorous for most of my life, but realized I was bisexual at age 27, so we're in this together!

Hi honestly i just wanted to message you again and say thanks i left my partner a few weeks ago and honestly its probably the best thing i ever did he was incredibly possessive and used his own insecurities to control me he made me miserable but i was stuck because i didnt want to hurt him. Now im much happier i have my one boy who doesnt make me cry and im so happy but without you without your blog im not sure i would have had the courage to do it or even to see it for what it was. Thank you.

I'm so, so happy for you! Hugs kudos for having the strength and courage to leave a relationship that made you miserable. Never stay with someone who makes you cry! 

This isn't really a request for advice, but I just wanted to say that thanks to your blog my boyfriend has gained a better understanding and acceptance of polyamory, and this week he and my other boyfriend and I all shared a bed for the first time (non-sexually) and it was just really nice waking up between the two people I love most and seeing them interact with each other in a healthy and loving way. I hope our relationship continues in this manner.

This is so lovely! I love cuddling up with multiple partners/metamours, and I'm so happy my blog could help you and your boyfriends make this happen for yourselves and each other!

Not an ask, but just wanted to say thank you! I just started my first poly relationship and your blog helped me so much in understanding and articulating my feelings.

I love hearing things like this! Understanding and articulating your feelings are SUCH powerful skills, and you should be super proud of yourself for developing them.

REMINDER: Comments are now open on the main site, www.askpolyamory.com! Check out the commenting rules, and come join us! 

I told my girlfriend I wasn't comfortable with her dating other people, but she did anyway

If my polyam girlfriend dates someone else at the same time as me when I've made it clear that I'm not comfortable with it, that it hurts me, isn't that cheating? She acts like I'm not even there, and it hurts so much.

If you have not given your consent, and you consider it cheating, then it's cheating. End of sentence. If your partner is doing something that hurts you and makes you uncomfortable, especially after you made it clear to her that you weren't okay with it, you should probably leave the relationship.

No one is obligated to change their behavior because someone asks them to. I could say to my partner "if you wear a green shirt, it would hurt me, make me uncomfortable, and I would consider you wearing a green shirt after I told you this to be a betrayal." Then, he could decide to wear a green shirt - he still has that right. But then I have enough information to know that we're probably not compatible, since I'm not comfortable dating someone who wears green shirts.

It sounds like polyamory is a dealbreaker for both of you - she needs to be in a relationship where she can date other people, and you need to be in a monogamous relationship. So the deal has effectively been broken. 

REMINDER: Comments are now open on the main site, www.askpolyamory.com! Check out the commenting rules, and come join us! 

some quick questions

Hey, what is the difference between polyamorous and polysexual? I saw two flags and I am a bit confused.

Polysexual is a sexual orientation and it has to do with who you're sexually attracted to. Polyamory is a relationship orientation and it has to do with how you date. Polysexual means being attracted to multiple genders. Polyamory means having multiple relationships.

Do you answer asks for advice?

Yes. That is the point of this blog. You can send them here.

How do i begin my adventures of polyamory?

Check out my FAQ here.

Is it okay to want to be in a closed triad with a man and a woman?

Yes, that is a perfectly fine thing to want! It may be hard to find, but it's perfectly okay for that to be your best-case-scenario!

Can I still consider myself polyamorous if my partner and I are not currently looking for someone to add to the relationship, but consider it an option for ourselves in the future?

Sure, just like someone who is gay but choosing to stay single for a while is still gay. But reconsider the "add someone to the relationship" framing. 

REMINDER: Comments are now open on the main site, www.askpolyamory.com! Check out the commenting rules, and come join us! 

My girlfriend wants to be in a polyamorous relationship with her ex, but I'm not sure

I'm open to a polyamorous relationship and my girlfriend wants to have one with me and her ex. This would be my first polyamorous relationship and I don't really know the guy. Should I be worried about it? Possibly if he steals her away from me instead of it being a group relationship?

If your girlfriend wants you to just start dating a guy you don't really know, that's not very fair or reasonable. You cannot 'assign' or 'agree' people into relationships - it doesn't work that way. Don't date a guy just because your girlfriend wants you to.

It makes more sense for her to start dating him, and you get to know him, and see how the two of you feel about each other. There is nothing wrong with a V-shaped polyamorous relationship. Being friendly metamours is often the best way for people to relate.

If she's adamant that she only wants a closed/triad/group relationship, then she'll need to be patient and wait for you two to meet someone or grow close with someone that you also want to date.

As for your second question - no, I would not advise you to be worried about that. I can't promise you that it won't possibly happen, since no one can predict the future, but polyamory tends to make it less likely that someone will leave you for someone else, not more. Also, it's impossible for him to "steal her away" - if she leaves you to be monogamous with him, or anyone else, it would be because she made that decision herself, and you can't control her decisions. Unless he's saying and doing things that make it seem like he's trying to shift into a monogamous relationship with her and get her to break up with you, I wouldn't worry about this.

Something to be worried about, though, is that he's her ex. Why did they break up? Does that reason still exist? Are there any red flags or concerns you have about him? Getting back together with exes is not typically a great idea; so be sure you understand what his deal is, why she wants to get back together with him, and whether you want to be part of a situation that involves him.

REMINDER: Comments are now open on the main site, www.askpolyamory.com! Check out the commenting rules, and come join us! 

I'm 18, and a 26 and 29 year old couple with kids want to date me

I'm 18 and I've never actually dated someone, and this 26/29yo couple wanna date me. I knew the 26yo's kids for a year and a half when they lived right by me, but never knew their dad. Met him and after an hour of talking I said how I hope to have kids like that one day, and found out he's their dad. Turns out he's got a boyfriend, and they both wanna date me. I'm wanting to, but I have 0 dating in real life experience. The kids are 4-10. He pulled strings at work and got me $110 of perfume. We have our expectations for the future line up just right. I already love him, but how would I get to know 7 people? They're where I'm hoping to be in 10 years, not 2, but they're great people, just older. What are good things to talk about when getting to know someone? What should I ask about their relationship? What should I ask regarding the age difference?

Do not date these people. They are much older than you, and in a completely different stage in their lives. They also have a strongly established couple, which adds to the power dynamic. "Pulling strings" to get you expensive stuff is a red flag for grooming behavior. You do not "already love" this person; love grows out of a long period of commitment and intimacy, which you haven't had yet. Especially with kids involved, it will be way too easy for you to get quickly sucked into a situation that won't be healthy for you.

You're 18 - date people your own age. Let your future grow organically and make choices based on what you want without hitching your life to people with very different priorities.

REMINDER: Comments are now open on the main site, www.askpolyamory.com! Check out the commenting rules, and come join us! 

My boyfriend has tons of other partners and doesn't pay much attention to me

I'm in a situation that I used to think of as poly...tbh lately it feels like a harem. My guy has a gf, it's all good. But he's a traveling musician and has a LOT of other girls he sees (FWBs). I'm comfortable with just the idea, but then seeing his pics on FB actually gives me a twinge of jealousy. I try to relax and be ok with it, but he ignores my messages when he's with them yet when he's with me he's always messaging other girls. How can I chill out and not be bugged by this?

If the situation overall feels okay, but seeing his photos on Facebook bothers you, consider not looking at his photos on Facebook. You can "unfollow" or "hide" posts by him.

It sounds like he has a case of "vacation girlfriend," which is a phrase my therapist used with me and which is really helpful. When you're dating someone long-term, and you see them every day, time with them starts to feel less 'special.' They just sort of blend into your day to day life, where you're running errands, checking your phone, etc. With people you see less often, or whose relationship is less settled-in and secure, it feels more like "oh, I have an afternoon with Angleesa, I should plan ahead of time and get all my stuff done and not be on my phone during it."

There are pros and cons to both type of relationship, but it's important to be intentional and realize when someone is a "day to day" vs "vacation" partner. It sounds like when he's with you, he's still in his daily life, where errands exist, phones need to be checked, and it isn't this set-apart bubble of time to enjoy each other. It's perfectly fine for you to point this out and say "hey, when you're with me, you're often on your phone - can we set aside some time to just be present with each other? Can you do more to cultivate our relationship, even though I'm around more?"

If he argues, denies, or refuses, if he acts like you're being unreasonable, then he probably isn't great for you to date. If he's willing to acknowledge what's going on and re-engage in your relationship in the ways you're asking for, great!

It can also help sometimes to just find a distraction of your own - casual dating, more time with friends, hobbies, new creative projects - so that his flightiness is less of your problem. 

Ultimately, if you continue to feel like there's a part of your relationship that you need to "chill out about" and it's just on you to relax and let him act how he wants and not feel any feelings or ask for anything he's not willing to give, then you should leave the relationship. But talk it out with him first and see if he's wiling and able to make some changes!

REMINDER: Comments are now open on the main site, www.askpolyamory.com! Check out the commenting rules, and come join us! 

My partner is going through a rough time and I want to arrange something nice for her with her other partners

My girlfriend recently broke up with one of her partners she's been dating for a long time and is not feeling well because of their reaction. I am thinking about contacting the others to met and organize a surprise to cheer her up, like spending a week with everyone near the sea. 
The problem is that we never talked to each others (except one time at Pride, to say a quick hello and shake hands). I fear she would feel uncomfortable, but at the same time it would be great for her to see the ones she loves instead of playing video games all day to not think about it. What would you advise me to do?

This is a sweet and adorable idea, but you're right that it might be a big, uncomfortable thing to spring on her as a "surprise." My recommendation is to plan something less intense - a weeklong vacation is a pretty big deal, but you can still set something nice up for her. I don't know your gender or the genders of her other partners, but since she's a woman, she's probably used to the expectation that she do a lot of the logistics and organizing for fun things, so doing that for her will be lovely.

I don't think it would be out of line to reach out to her other partners on Facebook or wherever, to explain that she's feeling down and you want to put together something nice for her. It might not be wise to throw everyone together - she may feel anxious or responsible for managing the relationships if all of her partners are at an event together - so you could consider planning something individual for her to do with her various partners. 

Going to a local spa, seeing a band she likes in concert, going to a movie, booking a nice dinner, a picnic at a pretty nature spot - choose something you think she'd like. The key is that, after you make sure the time and date and plan works for her, you and her partners put everything together. You call and make the reservations; you book the tickets; you find a campground; you pack the picnic; whatever. All she has to do is show up and enjoy.

Then you say "Elbreth is taking you out to a nice dinner on Friday - she'll be here to pick you up at 6:30." Or "Let's go on a picnic this Saturday, I've got everything sorted out - you just need comfy shoes." You could also expand this effort to include her close friends, not just her partners. I would lose my mind with joy if someone close to me said "hey, I arranged for a babysitter and did the calendar-wrangling with your friends, Galadriel and Arwen are taking you to dinner and that art show in Rivendell on Friday."

When it comes to the larger thing, like a trip or a get-together with all her partners, my advice is to check in with her about what she would like, when works for her, etc. Once she's told you what she wants to do, who she wants to be there, and the dates that work for her, it's on you and her other partners to coordinate and organize. That's the real gift; the "surprise" bit is less relevant. Of course, you know your girlfriend - if she really loves surprises, keep some details secret and do what would make her feel most cared for!

Why didn't you answer my question?

Can you add a "why didn't you answer my question" section to the FAQ?

Okay! Here are the main reasons that questions don't get answered:

1.) I just get too many questions to answer them all.

I post on Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday - that's five posts a week. I get an average of 6-10 messages per day. Mathematically, it is impossible for me to answer every question I get. So I screen for the most interesting, concise, and easy-to-understand ones. This is the main reason, BY FAR, that your question didn't get answered. It's not because you did something wrong, it's just because I have to pick and choose what to answer. 

2.) I have answered it, but it's in the queue/it's time-sensitive in a way that would make it useless to queue.

As I write this, it's July 1. It will be queued to post on August 3. I do take this blog pretty seriously and try to keep the queue full to avoid lapses in posting. If your question is an emergency or time-sensitive, this is not the place to get what you need. If it seems like the letter writer won't be helped by the time it posts (like if the question is about what to say on a date happening the night of the letter's writing), I typically won't answer it. 

3.) It's repetitive.

I get a lot of similar questions. Some are answerable with the FAQ, and others are just similar to ones I've already answered. I prioritize questions that differ from any that I've answered recently. I always encourage folks with questions to read through the archives or use the search feature. Sometimes I get a cluster of questions on the same topic since people are responding to a recent post, and those are very unlikely to get answered unless they have a specific and un-trodden question.

4.) It's too long.

I often have to condense questions to keep them short and simple enough to answer. But sometimes that's too difficult, or the question includes way too many details and narrative. More concise letters with clear, specific questions are more likely to get answers.

5.) It was too difficult to understand.

I do edit messages for spelling and occasionally for grammar, though I try to preserve the style and voice of the original writer. But sometimes they are just too hard to parse or would take tons of work on my part to edit into something easy to answer.

6.) You asked to be answered privately or over chat.

I do not do private or live answers - you can read about my policy here. 

7.) It's not a question.

If it's just a description of a situation, or a "vent," or an attempt to tell me something without a question, it's probably not going to get a response. If you're just pre-asking permission to ask a question, like "do you give advice?" or "can I ask you a question about XYZ?" I am not going to answer it.

This goes double for people: trying to say something to a letter-writer through my platform, being hateful about polyamory, being rude or nasty about a letter-writer or person discussed in a letter, trying to revise my advice, or trying to use my platform to sell or promote something.