Is it possible to have more than one primary partner?

Is it possible to have more than one primary partner?

Yes. "Primary" does not have to mean "the one person you're committed to above all others." It could also mean "someone you're deeply committed to, see a future with, and will make sacrifices for."

A lot of people think "primary/secondary" stuff is about who ultimately has the 'final say' - like if Hermeneutic is your primary and Metaphysic is your secondary, Hermeneutic can demand that you break up with Metaphysic, but not vice versa. Or if Metaphysic wants to move for his career and Hermeneutic says no, you won't move, but you'd move for Hermeneutic. 

That's not what it means, or has to mean. It doesn't have to set up partners as oppositions or placing one 'above' another. "Primary" marks a certain level of commitment, willingness to sacrifice, and place in your life. More than one person can have that place in your life. 

But this is just the general case; for some people, wrapping their heads around having multiple primaries is impossible. For others, having any "primary" partner or partners just doesn't make sense. So while it's possible, it might not be possible for every individual.

It's a lot messier when things aren't neatly hierarchical. If conflict arises, you don't have someone to 'default' to. You don't have an external structure to dictate your choices. You need to be flexible, dynamic, intentional, and present. If Hermeneutic wants to move, or Metaphysic wants to become monogamous, you have to decide what's best for you, you have to talk things out, you have to think through all the risks and possibilities. And you have to be accountable to the choices you make, rather than throwing your hands up and going "what can I do? He's the primary!"

If that risk doesn't sound like something you can handle; if the tidiness of hierarchical polyamory feels safer and healthier for you, then maybe having multiple primaries isn't right for you. And that's okay! Something being an option doesn't mean you're obligated to do it. But if it's something you want, and you're just worried that it's "not possible," relax! Do what's best for you and your relationships, and don't worry about how other people frame it. 

REMINDER: Comments are now open on the main site, www.askpolyamory.com! Check out the commenting rules, and come join us! 

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How do we honor our serious commitment when marriage isn't an option?

I am married and have been poly since we started dating 10 years ago. In general, everything is very smooth and works well between us. Almost two years ago I started dating someone else who was a bit of a game changer - I've dated other people, but this has turned into a deep, serious long-term relationship. He has always been monogamous but was willing to explore poly to be with me and has taken to it wonderfully. My question is not so much advice about how to manage my multiple relationships, but if you have ideas of a way to acknowledge my other partner with a significant gesture or in a major way when we I can't legally marry him. We've discussed the fact that, in a different situation, we would have approached marriage by now, and while we both are content with the fact that we can't, I would like to do something tangible to demonstrate my long-term commitment. I know it will have to be something that is meaningful to both of us, but I'm struggling with even gathering ideas in the first place at this point!

Congrats on having found two deeply loving, committed relationship! Some ideas:

• Saving to go on a once-in-a-lifetime vacation that you'll enjoy together
• Matching tattoos or an investment in high quality, daily-wear jewelry like rings or watches
• A "commitment ceremony" that is not a legal wedding but includes traditions and people who are important to you
• A joint project, like fixing up an old camper van, starting a chicken coop, organizing a community event/meetup, etc. together
• Adopting a pet together
• Moving in together
• Working together on a new term for your partnership (spouse, partner, lifeshare, etc. also, you can say 'husband' even if you're not legally married.)
• Legal name changes - a blended last name, adding each other's last names as middle names, etc.

Do you have thoughts or ideas for this letter writer? You can leave them in the comments on the main blog, askpolyamory.com! 

How do I throw a baby shower for a multiparent family?

Hey there, my best friend is in a poly relationship, and one of his beautiful wives is pregnant with their baby boy! I want to throw a baby shower for their new little one. But I want to honor both mothers and looking for poly baby shower ideas that includes the mom carrying the little one and the mom who is still going to be his mom. And for once Pinterest has failed me! I want to honor both mothers and looking for respectful ideas for both mommies!

Although it's tradition for baby showers to be planned without much input from the mom-to-be, this is a case where I think it would be best to just go directly to both women and ask them how they want to be honored and included. It's possible that both moms want to be equally included and are placing less emphasis on who's biologically carrying the baby. It's also possible that the pregnant mom prefers to be the center of attention and the other mom intends to be less central to the celebrations. You'll only know if you ask! You can ask your best friend to ask them, or go to them directly, depending on your relationships with them.

Most standard baby shower activities could work for a multiparent family, anyway - crafts, games, etc. don't tend to rely on there being Only One Mom. Some fun stuff that doesn't explicitly center the pregnancy:

• A pretty book or another write-on-able thing where attendees can give the parents advice & support
• Blind taste-testing baby food flavors
• Having attendees bring baby photos of themselves & guessing who's who
• A make-your-own activity for a self-care item like lotion or salt scrub
• Blank white onesies & fabric paint/pens for guests to decorate for the baby
• Just getting together with friends to eat and chat and hang out and have a nice party
• A trivia contest with fun facts about weird historical baby-care notions (opium for sleep! keep them in boxes!)
• An "open mic" for participants to tell funny stories from their childhood or parenthood

When it comes to gifts, most baby shower gifts are for the baby, but you could consider specific gifts for both moms, like self-care kits, spa gift cards, their favorite easy to prepare snacks, fun t-shirts (if they wear them) with polyamory pride or parenting stuff on them, and other stuff that they like. You can also make sure that things like the invitations (if you do printed invitations) name both women; that both women are acknowledged in toasts (if there are toasts). You as the host can try to make sure that people aren't exclusively congratulating the pregnant mom and you can actively include the other mom in conversations and congratulations. 

But really, your best bet is to ask them how they want it to go! Some people like the cheesy, on-theme Pinterest style baby showers with crafts and activities; some people just kind of want to hang out with their friends and eat something tasty. 

Do you have thoughts or ideas for a multiparent baby shower? Share them! Comments are now open on the main site, www.askpolyamory.com. Check out the commenting rules, and come join us! 

We are a triad and want to travel to somewhere accepting

We are a triad and want places we can travel where we can be ourselves, are there any good places for us?

If you just want to be able to be out in public and hold hands and be generally affectionate as three people, I'd figure that most major cities have enough going on that you won't be attacked or kicked out of a restaurant for that. San Francisco, New York, Portland - places that have reputations for being progressive and cosmopolitan.

You could also book a getaway somewhere remote where there isn't anyone to bother you. Camping, cabins, somewhere in nature where your business is no one else's business. In my experience, places like naturalist hot springs and other retreat spots that attract the "crunchy granola" crowd tend to be really chill and accepting. 

There are also polyamory-focused conventions in various places, if you want to travel to an event that's focused on polyamory explicitly. Here are some events from Loving More, something called Poly Big Fun, and a list of polyamory events. Conventions and festivals focused on kink or BDSM are also very poly-friendly, if that's tangential to any of your interests. 

NOTE: As of this post, comments are open on the main site, www.askpolyamory.com! Check out the commenting rules, and come join us! 

My family thinks my relationship is abusive because it's polyamorous.

I became polyamorous because my partner was and wanted to open up our relationship. I'll admit I struggled with it at first but did so consensually and after a while I realized I loved it and never want to go back to being monogamous. Well, my family found out and now they are all convinced that I'm being abused and manipulated by my partner who introduced me to the idea. I've expressed myself as clearly as I possibly can that I agreed to it and love the lifestyle but they still treat my partner suspiciously/accusingly and it's making life really hard. I don't want to lose my family and I appreciate they care but it really messes with my head and makes me question my own sanity which isn't fair or helpful, they talk like they need to rescue me from a cult or something. Establishing distance seems to only make their concern worse and more stalker-y. What would you suggest?

This is a tough one to answer, because I don't have any perspective on your relationship. So I'll try to answer in two parts:

If you're confident that your relationship is not abusive, then your family is just being judgmental and ignorant, and it's okay for you to take distance. I have personally had this experience - once, an ob-gyn I was seeing insisted on pressing domestic violence pamphlets into my hand when she found out I had multiple partners. She was very concerned and kept telling me that "men will twist your head to get you to think that this is okay," which is funny because I was the initiator of polyamory with my male partner ten years ago. There are people whose partners sleep around on them and employ abusive tactics to get them to accept it, but you and I are not those people!

It's okay to tell your family "it's rude, alienating, and cruel of you to continue to act and talk like my partner is abusing me. My relationship is one of consent and love, and if you can't accept that, then for my own health I need to take some distance." And then do that. Surround yourself with people who understand you and lift you up. Sure, taking distance makes your family more concerned, but it sounds like they're committed to their warped worldview and they're just going to up the emotional pressure if you try to get out from under it. Making you "question your sanity" is a nasty tactic and anyone who makes you feel like that is awful. Let them be concerned and wrong over there. Far away from you.

If, however - and this seems very unlikely based on the language in your letter, but - if you have any thoughts in the back of your mind that they might be right, if there's a chance that those conflicted thoughts that bubble up when they put the pressure on could be meaningful - check in with friends, other people in the polyamorous community, read up on healthy polyamory. Sometimes families are just bigoted and manipulative. But sometimes, if a ton of people are flagging your partner as abusive, it's worth thinking about a bit more deeply. Sometimes we are too deep in things to really see the whole story. I know I've been in abusive relationships where all my friends were telling me that he was no good, that I should leave him, etc. but I had a hard time hearing them. They could see from the outside what I was in too deep to see.

Polyamory isn't abusive, but polyamorous people can be abusive. If that sounds at all possible, just check in with yourself about it. You might realize that no, your family is just getting you all twisted up with their own nonsense. In that case, loop back to part one. Take some distance and work to build a healthy, affirming polyamorous community around yourself. 

I've realized that my polyamory is a dealbreaker and I need to leave my 5-year mono relationship

I have been in a monogamous lesbian relationship with my girlfriend for 5 years, when about a year and a half ago, I realized that I am both bi + poly. I did a lot of research + soul searching, and then 8 months ago I told her how I was feeling. It didn't go well, we swept it under the rug and I've tried very hard just to sit on these feelings. I realized now that for me, it's my identity and likely a deal breaker: how do I have this conversation again, knowing it will end in a breakup?

If you know it will end in a breakup, there's not much else to be done, or scripted, or strategized. It's heartbreaking and painful to end a 5 year relationship, but it's understandable, and normal, to have to do so after learning about a dealbreaker.

You let her know that you've tried monogamy with her, and you've tried to 'sit on' these feelings, and now you have 8 months worth of information about how it feels and whether it's working for her. You explain that, unfortunately, you've realized this is a dealbreaker, and so you need to break the deal, and leave the relationship. This conversation will suck - breakups always do. But it's important and necessary.

Try not to frame it as "you wouldn't let me date polyamorously, so I have to leave - this is your fault." It's no one's fault, it's just how the universe has shaken out. You two were good together for five years, and nothing can change or erase that, but you're not good to continue dating into the future. Give her the space she needs to grieve, and rage. Best of luck. 

My partner and I have an open arrangement, but I feel like he did something that violated the terms we agreed on.

My partner and I have agreed that we’re allowed to have sexual encounters with other people from the start of our six month relationship, but have never been intimate with anyone else without the other being present. While I was out of town, he slept with a woman we were entertaining playing with together. He didn’t tell me about it until yesterday, almost a week from the event. He said that he didn’t want to ruin my holiday and last night was the first opportunity when he felt we had a chance to talk. We didn’t discuss when we would disclose encounters to each other, although I did state that I preferred he told me beforehand. That’s alright, that was a learning moment. However, what’s really bothering me is that he said that he wouldn’t sleep with her by himself and that the three of us would play together first. Additionally, I feel hurt that we were intimate before he finally told me that he has slept with her. I’m simply hurt/confused... This is my first foray into open relationships, and my boyfriend’s first intimate encounter outside the relationship. Am I overreacting because I’m jealous or so I have a valid bone to pick?

You've got a false dichotomy in your question there. When a couple is in conflict, remember that it's you two vs. the problem, not you vs. each other. Your feelings are totally valid, but that doesn't necessarily mean he did anything wrong.

Stuff like this happens all the time - you set up rules and expectations to protect yourself, but life has a funny way of getting around those. Events unfold, energy between two people sparks along its course, and things play out differently than how the ideal would be. Your partner was probably very startled and frustrated by the whole thing, and anxious about telling you. 

You're right that this is a learning moment. You two are learning to be more clear with yourselves and each other about what, exactly, you need and want out of this arrangement. You're also learning that the real world might not play nicely with your clearly defined boundaries, and that you'll need to find areas of flexibility and compromise. Figure out what's a need vs. a desire, what might not be realistic, and where you can give each other and the world some 'wiggle room.' Remember that the more rigid and specific your rules are, the easier they are to break, which feels like a betrayal. But, if they're too wishy-washy, then you might accidentally hurt the other person without realizing that they were more serious about something than you thought.

Keep talking this out! Remember that feeling hurt is totally okay, but it does not mean that the other person is in the wrong. This is a sticky, feeling-laden thing you're doing, so feelings are going to happen. Work through them and with each other.

I'm trying to date, but I keep getting ghosted

I've been ghosted more than I've had dates this year, been stood up a lot too. I just joined the local polyamory community recently, though I've been polyamorous for 7 years, and some of those ghosters are in it too. I'm getting therapy to help with my anxiety, but my certainty of getting ghosted or stood up again prevents me from trying to connect to anyone. Do I even qualify as polyamorous if nobody wants to date me? Do you have any advice for my predicament?

First off, of course you are polyamorous even if you're not currently dating anyone polyamorously. Other people's feelings about you do not dictate your identity or your worth.

It's great that you've been getting therapy to help with your anxiety - keep doing that! Be open and honest with your therapist about the social and romantic aspects of your anxiety and how they're affecting your life. If this is impacting you significantly, it's okay to take a break from dating for a while, not because you're "giving up" or you don't think you're worth it, but because being ghosted is a real risk, and if it's not worth taking right now, don't do that to your mental health!

Remember that you are not psychic! People "ghost" for tons of reasons, and usually they have nothing to do with the other person. They get busy, they can't think of what to say, they get distracted, they think you're not interested. It rarely means that they don't like you!

Consider whether you're part of the pattern, too. It can be easy, and tempting, to go for a 'light touch' with these things and figure that "if they like me, they'll reach out" - but they might be thinking the same thing! Try being a bit more forward, invite them on a date earlier in the conversation, send that double text - don't make ghosting you the 'default.' 

Know that tons of people get ghosted all the time; it's just part of dating in 2018. It's awful and obnoxious, but you gotta be willing to get back on that horse. I'd say that when I start chatting with someone, 9 times out of 10, it 'fizzles out' or I get ghosted. I currently have 4 partners - so that means at minimum, I've been 'ghosted' or fizzled out on 36 times! But if I'd given up after the first handful, I wouldn't have the amazing partners I do now. Be patient, and try not to take it personally, though that's much easier said than done, I know!

My metamour is moving in, and there's tension because my partner really want us to date

My partner's girlfriend is moving in with us and I'm a bit nervous because while she and I are good friends, we are not romantically interested in each other. That's okay with us but my partner really wants for us to be romantically involved and can't seem to let it go. Is this going to end in disaster?

The co-habitation isn't the problem, it's your partner being pushy about this. They need to drop the issue, and yesterday. Sit them down and explain that you're very nervous about her moving in, not because there's any issue with the dynamic between you two, but because of your partner not being willing to let this go. Tell them that they can't wheedle, cajole, argue, convince, or otherwise mind-trick two people into dating if they don't want to date each other, and trying to do so will only cause problems. If they can't accept this or refuse to stop, you need to decide whether this is a situation - the relationship and/or the living arrangement - that you feel comfortable staying in. 

I'm polyamorous, but have two young kids - how do I introduce them to it?

Hello Zinnia, I am so glad I found your page and your precious advice. I have been contemplating a polyamorous lifestyle for a many years now, but it did not work out with my husband for many reasons and we split one year ago. Now I have a partner whom I deeply love and who wants the same things, plus it is a long distance relationship, so we have plenty of freedom and space for ourselves and for seeing other people if we want to. I have been dating occasionally, but now there is a second man in my life who could be also long term. I'm okay with being in love with two people, the problem is I have two young children. They are good friends with boyfriend 1, and boyfriend 2 wants to meet them because it would mean spending more time with me but I am worried that the children will be upset and confused (their father is in a traditional, monogamous relationship). What do you think is the best course to introduce kids (8 and 6 year old) to a mother's poly lifestyle? Thank you!

I am also a polyamorous parent in a unique co-parenting situation! Welcome to the club! 

To be perfectly honest, in my experience, the issue isn’t kids, it’s other adults. Kids that young don’t have a lot of preconceived biases about stuff like this and don't get that confused or messed up. If Chardwick helps with their math homework and Alyxandre brings over remote control drones, they're cool. Having more committed, loving adults in kids' lives is never a bad thing. If they sleep over, or they both kiss Mom, that's something kids just take for granted.

If they have been exposed to stuff like "it's always cheating and bad to kiss other people" or "true love is only one person," that's a bunch of shallow assumptions they just absorbed from the world, and can be gently discussed at an age-appropriate level. You can talk about how they have more than one friend at school, or can learn from both their schoolteacher and their piano tutor. You can acknowledge that "sometimes people do say that, but that's not what I think. I think that if everyone is happy and okay with it, then it's fine. What do you think makes a relationship loving?"

In my experience, having a Serious Sit Down Talk about things tends to confuse kids even more. Just introducing them to my partners and letting things progress organically and answering questions as they come up tends to work better for me. But you know your kids and your family, so this might not be the case for you. You can say something like "Alyxandre is my boyfriend, just like Chardwick is. We make each other happy and we like to hang out together. Because he cares about me, he also wants to get to know you!" You'll also want to talk with both partners about how they want to be introduced to the kids, what concerns and boundaries they have, what your expectations are about how they behave, etc.

You may run into complications, however, if your husband finds it "inappropriate." Lots of people think that polyamory is about sex, not relationships, and therefore, you'd be exposing your children to something "sexual" (just like how it would be deeply inappropriate for a couple to act out a BDSM dynamic in front of children). This is not true, but depending on where you live, he could make things difficult for you in terms of custody or create drama between you and the kids' grandparents and other extended family. So you'll need to work that out with him - how he feels about you having partners around kids, how he wants it explained to them, etc. That would be the #1 pond in which you need to make sure your ducks are in a row.

Depending on how deeply involved your partners are in your lives, you may also have to do some advocacy or educational work to shield them from other adults having questions or judgments. If both of them are at soccer games, picking them up from school - basically, if both partners are doing some parenting - then your family will need a simple way to refer to them and their relationship to the kids ("who's picking you up?" "my mom's second boyfriend" - not ideal). If they'll both be at Christmas with your parents, you'll want to do your best to keep adult judgments from affecting the kids. 

Good luck! I'm parenting with 3 partners and an extended support network; I can't imagine how mono couples do it! 

reverse signal boost? for polyamorous art

If the person who wants to make art about polyamorous characters feels comfortable sharing their blog, I would love to see the art!

Consider this an open call - if you make art, writing, or other creative work about polyamory, send it my way and I'll boost it! Bonus points if you send a little note about choices you made, influences you used, etc. to be realistic, sensitive, and positive about polyamorous representation! 

My husband and I want to find a woman to try a threesome with

I have been fantasizing about women a lot lately and my husband thinks we should try to find a third. I've done 'some' things with women but not fully been with. I'm nervous about the idea but also really want to give it a go...

If you and your husband both want to try this, it sounds like something worth trying out together! Remember that a "third" would not be a sex toy for you two to use to figure stuff out and have new experiences together - she is a person with needs and feelings as well. Not many bi/pan/lesbian women wake up thinking "boy, I'd sure love to be a compliant, useful sex being to help a woman and her husband do what they want together!" But a lot of people are interested in a sexy experience with some hot, fun, responsible, attentive, giving people. 

Consider starting out with fantasies - watch MFF porn together or read erotica and talk about it. Write or talk out sexy fantasies about a threesome. Use that as a springboard to talk about what you really want (a one-night threesome? a frequent sexual partner? a dating relationship?) and how you want it (how involved will your husband be - watching? participating? hearing about it afterwards? what is negotiable on this?) so you have a clearer idea.

 Then check out the resources here - really, thoughtfully, read and discuss them. Get your business on lock, then be respectful, responsible, and patient. And best of luck!

Can I be polyamorous if I've never been in a polyamorous relationship?

Can I be and call myself polyamorous even when I have never been in this type of relationship before?

Of course. Few people ask whether they can assume they would be happy in a monogamous marriage before trying one out. Little kids daydreaming about a wedding/marriage are never told "you haven't tried it, you don't know." Little boys assuming they like girls are not scolded because they have never been in a straight relationship before. You know best who you are. As in all things, stay open to experimentation; don't get locked into an identity that stops you from growing or living intentionally. But the answer to your question is yes. Check my FAQ on this here.

Some FAQ-answerable questions

I'm polyamorous but I don't really have anybody to talk with about it. Can you recommend a safe space online?

I personally identify as pans polyam, however I’m in a mono hetero relationship. Kinda looking for (if possible) people in like-situations who would be interested in chatting. I guess I need somebody to talk to who understands my situation.

Some are listed in the "Forums & Communities" section of this FAQ page. There are also a number of discord servers for polyamorous people, but you'll need to Google "polyamory discord" to find the ones that have active invite links. 

Hey, I have a question about polyamory and am looking for resources about it. Is it OK if I message you privately about it?

Unfortunately, I cannot do private chats or messages. Please see my page on that here. All questions here are anonymized, and you can always check my FAQ or search my blog.

Do you think that polyamory is a part of you that you're born with, much like your sexual orientation? Because I think it is. I feel like I was born this way, I have always been this way and I won't ever be able to change it because it's so ingrained in me, much like my gender and sexual orientation.

For some people, yes. You can see my FAQ page on that here.

I've been exploring my sexuality with my wife's involvement - does that make me polyamorous?

So after months of discussion and searching, my wife this week found a guy we both liked. I met him alone exploring my sexuality whilst my wife watched (and directed a little too) by video cam. It feels amazing and liberating to explore my bisexuality and being totally accepted by my soul mate. Does this make me polyamorous?

My friend, only you can determine which labels best fit you. If identifying as polyamorous helps you live more deeply and happily into these feelings and experiences, great! If not, that's fine! You seem to have found something that works for you, so worry more about enjoying it and making it as healthy and awesome as possible, and less about exactly what words apply to it. Check out my FAQ on this here.

Why isn't polyamory included in LGBTQ?

Hey there i have a question and im sorry if these comes off ignorant, or selfish or anything but im rly confused. why is poly not accepted in lgbtq. im bi and poly and i feel like there needs to be a safe space for poly ppl. poly ppl are oppressed. ppl have told me poly ppl arent queer bc some of us are cis het and its a choice to be poly. but for my it isnt a choice. and ace people are in lgbtq even tho some of them are cis/het. i just dont get it. we deserve a safe space rigt?

Polyamory is not generally included in the LGBTQ umbrella because it's not a sexuality (who you're attracted to) or a gender identity (who you are). It's more about how you date. So many people feel that it isn't an "identity," but a behavior, practice, or lifestyle. However, for a lot of polyamorous people, polyamory is experienced as an identity - it's who we are, not just how we date. So there is tension there. You can see my FAQ page on this issue here.

There is also a conversation about queerness and its history and community. Some people feel that since polyamory has never been historically marginalized, it is missing a critical component of LGBTQ-ness. Other people believe (incorrectly) that polyamory is an invention of the past few decades, and that it is primarily white, cis, hetero, wealthy people who are privileged enough to play around with sexuality in this way. This can make people feel that people are imposing on the LGBTQ community who don't share a history or current experience of oppression that bonds the LGBTQ community.

However, polyamorous people do face issues around health insurance, hospital visitation, child custody, workplace protections, family rejection, etc. We just don't have a long history of institutionalized abuses, for a variety of reasons. So defining LGBTQ as "people who are marginalized due to their sexuality/relationships/gender identity" would include polyamorous people, unless you narrow the definition to "specifically targeted in a historic pattern of specific types of violence," which to me is a strange way to define a community or an identity.

I personally believe that polyamory is not inherently queer, but that polyamory can be queered. To me, "queerness" is about "queering" institutions like gender identity, relationships, gender roles, marriage, monogamy, sex, etc. Polyamory as a way of being can be an intentional, self-aware critique and "queering" of capitalistically-imposed gender and relationship roles, the institution of marriage, and the "ideology of family" that upholds oppressive political, social, and economic systems. 

It is fair, I think, to both accept that polyamory is not inherently queer, and a polyamorous relationship does not automatically grant a person a place in a community of people primarily bonded over LGBTQ issues - and that polyamorous people do need, and deserve, a community that is inclusive and can address their struggles. There is a time and a place to 'stay in your lane' and a time and a place to expand the umbrella. This is a very sensitive issue for a lot of people, and not everyone shares my opinions. It's important to honor existing community norms, be sensitive to painful areas for other people, and it's also important to advocate for ourselves and think critically and intentionally about what that Q means to us.

Can I be polyamorous if I want multiple committed, long-term relationships that are not sexual?

Can you be polyamorous if you're asexual? Because I've been sort of fantasizing about living with 2-4 friends and we'd own a house that we couldn't afford independently ever since I was a kid. (I was even okay with them marrying and having kids with their spouses as long as we could afford it.) It sounds silly doesn't it. Some of my friends, well, I love them like family; I don't want to lose them to the tides of the sea or the gusts of the wind.

It does not sound silly at all! It is bizarre and frustrating, but very true, that our society assigns a lot more weight and privilege to romantic/sexual relationships than to other ones. There are active steps you can take to cement commitment in a romantic/sexual relationship that are not available outside of those relationships. So relationships, commitments, and even love that is not romantic/sexual can feel a lot more precarious. It takes an active 'breakup' to end a romantic/sexual relationship; friendships can 'drift apart' more passively. And this can feel maddeningly insecure!

If identifying as polyamorous feels right to you, and helps you establish the reality and future that you want, then it's a perfectly acceptable and helpful identity to claim. You may also want to look into relationship anarchy, which captures a wider breadth of thought around this idea that each relationship should be defined by its own terms and needs, not socially pre-determined levels of seriousness. There are some people I like to date and have sex with who I might not want to live with or raise kids with. There are some people I don't feel romantic/sexual attraction to, but love deeply and want to share a life with! Relationship anarchy makes room and language to validate and think about relationships in this new way. Another concept you may find helpful to look into is queerplatonic. 

But in the end, whatever words you choose are secondary. "Chosen family" or "life partners" or "deep friendship" or whatever - having the right words is just a tool to allow you to do the real work of building these relationships. Be open with the people you want to create a life with. Talk about what commitment means to you, how you see your future together, your concerns about what might threaten the friendship, what you do and don't want from the relationship. Whether or not you identify as polyamorous is less important than whether or not you have the words to let you talk about who you are and what you want.

Is my relationship polyamorous if my partners haven't met?

Am I in a polyamorous relationship if I’m seeing two people who do not know each other? But know of each other like they know I’m seeing other people?

Yes, that's polyamorous as long as they know about each other and are freely consenting to the arrangement. Your partners do not need to be connected romantically or otherwise for your relationship to be polyamorous. This arrangement is most frequently referred to as V or "Vee" polyamory.

My wife is trying to date, but people are inconsiderate about polyamory

My wife and I are poly, but it seems like the girls she meets just want to flirt with her because their partners aren't giving them enough attention. The minute she makes them feel sexy enough they drop her like yesterday's trash. I'm so angry for her because this is just crushing her self-esteem. I wish people didn't see poly as just flirty fun and ignore the real person with real feelings involved.

I'm so sorry that you and your wife are having this experience. It is true that people in the dating scene sometimes have misunderstandings of polyamory that lead to real hurt for people trying to date polyamorously.

It might be time for your wife to consider where, and how, she's meeting these women. If she keeps getting hurt, it's okay to withdraw, spend time with people who are healthy and safe for her, and take steps to protect herself from this ongoing pain.

She might have better luck with an online dating profile that is very explicit about her expectations and needs as a married polyamorous person, or checking out polyamorous meetups, websites, and other communities. If it's something she's interested in, the kink/bdsm scene tends to be very poly-adjacent as well.