How can I find people to date if everyone sees me as "taken"?

One of the biggest issues we have in finding a partner (for either of us) is that people lose interest when they find out we are already in a relationship. Even if we say we are open/poly, we are still seen as taken. What do we do?

It sounds like the issue here is with the culture, community, or scene you’re dating within. As someone who’s been practicing polyamory for over ten years, I’ve discovered that certain avenues of dating are generally closed to me. For example, when I’m at work, the fact that I have a long-term partner does come up in casual conversation. This means that coworkers who might have developed a little crush, or be interested in flirting, will file me as “unavailable.” If I wanted to pursue someone who knew me like that, I’d need to be really explicit about letting them know that I was actually interested in dating and ask if they’re interested in dating someone who is partnered. 

If you’re actively seeking new partners, flings, dates, etc. my recommendation would be to focus your efforts where you’re not fighting this uphill battle of trying to convince people that you are actually available. Online dating lets you be really explicit about your polyamory and filter matches based on their relationship status or orientation. Polyamorous communities in your area are also a good place to start. 

Was my relationship poly?

Hi in October of 2019 I was at my school dance and at the end 3 other girls and I decided we were dating I guess. Then one of the girls left. And then a few days or weeks later because I don’t remember, someone else came in I guess?And then another one of the first three girls left. Then the girl that joined moved away and it was really confusing Bc I didn’t know whether we were over or not. And we (the other two) didn’t talk to her for a while. And then a few weeks later we all broke up. Poly?

Based on the fact that this happened at a school dance and you refer to yourselves  as “girls,” I’m going to guess that all parties involved are under 18. Now, I’m not saying that people under 18 can’t be polyamorous or can’t know that they are polyamorous - but in your case, it sounds like this is just standard teenage messiness.

It’s really hard to be a young person navigating relationships. You have these moments, like dances, where there’s so much external pressure to feel and do certain things. You face a lot of ambiguity and a lack of agency when it comes to things like moves and staying in touch. Everyone is still figuring out who they are, what they want, and how they communicate.

If you feel like your relationship was polyamorous, then that label can be helpful for you! Wanting to date as a group, or getting involved in a multi-person relationship, is definitely an indication that something polyamory-shaped is going on! Using that label might be able to help you find resources to prevent drama like this in the future and understand more about what you want in relationships.

But if this was an unpleasant experience, one you found confusing and don’t particularly want to repeat, then it doesn’t really matter what you call it. It sounds like a painful and frustrating episode in your young dating life, and it’s more important to take care of yourself than to figure out exactly what set of letters and syllables you think people on the internet might apply to the situation.

I started dating my best friend and her boyfriend, but it isn't going well.

I recently got out of a three year relationship with a man. I’ve been best friends with my current roommate and her bf for three years. Both me and my roommate are bisexual and soon after I broke up with my boyfriend both my roommate and her boyfriend told me they wanted to have sex with me and they have wanted to do this the whole time they’ve known me. The first night was great and they told me the next day that they don’t want me using dating sites and they basically see us as a “throuple”. However in the following weeks things have not been going well. I sleep in her bed with them but kind of separate from them. They act very much like a couple in front of me and I know they were having sex when I was on my period without telling me. It’s been very hard for me to deal with and idk how to fix it. They’ve been dating for a long time and Ik they don’t really have experience with how to do this either. But they were the one’s that wanted to make this serious and now I feel somewhat abandoned. Like they want me to be more than a friend but they don’t actually want (or know how) to integrate me into their relationship. The whole situation is just making me feel vulnerable and deeply upset, so I could really use some advice from someone who understands what being in a polyamorous relationship should be.

My first inclination after reading your letter was to just tell you to walk away from this situation, because it sounds kind of awful. Them sitting you down and informing you that you are now in a closed relationship with them and they no longer want you using dating sites? Red flag. You feeling vulnerable and deeply upset? Bad bad bad! Don’t be in a relationship that feels that way!

After thinking about it, though, I want to give a bit more nuance to my advice.

If you want to just peace out from the relationship, that’s totally fine and a completely valid reaction. You can tell them “this has been fun and I’m glad we tried it out together, but after trying it I’m not sure the throuple thing is for me, so let’s go back to being friends.”

But it sounds like there hasn’t been much communication around this, and there might be a way to “fix this,” as you wrote, without just walking away. If you want to try and make it work, try talking with them about a few things! You can say: “I was a bit surprised when you told me that you now see us as a throuple, because it seemed like we were moving pretty fast into a committed and exclusive relationship. Can we talk about what, specifically, you meant when you said that? What is your ideal throuple relationship? What do you want it to look like?”

Then, as the conversation continues, be clear with them about what YOU want. Point out that you’ve been feeling a bit “third-wheel-ed” by their behavior, and describe what would make you feel like an equal and established member of the relationship. Or, explain that you’re okay being more of a casual connection to their relationship right now and want to take things a bit more slowly, like in any other relationship.

Try reading up about polyamory and triad relationships, and then share some articles with them that seem to capture specifically what you are thinking and feeling. Invite them to discuss with you what they want, and feel, and be clear about what you want and how you feel. Remember that all relationships take time to grow and breathe, and give each other grace and flexibility, but don’t stay in an emotional or sexual situation that feels bad.

ZINNIA IS BACK!

HI FRIENDS!

I took a long hiatus during the COVID-19 pandemic, for a handful of reasons.

The first was that I was getting a lot of questions about how to navigate issues around things like quarantining and forming “pods” within a polyamorous context, and I was genuinely unsure how to answer them! I might position myself as an expert in ENM, but I was definitely not qualified to answer questions, especially in the early days of the pandemic, about pandemic safety and epidemiology. I was also dealing with those thorny issues in my own life and struggling to navigate them and felt overwhelmed and unable to engage with them.

The second was that I was coping with a lot of loss in my personal life, much of it directly related to the pandemic. So, so, so many of us have gone through incredible pain and grief and suffering over the past year, and I’m no exception. I needed to focus on my own healing, which meant I needed to sort of shut down and stop expending energy on things that weren’t my own survival.

But I feel a lot better and would very much like to resume this blog! I have a huge backlog of questions to get through, but will welcome new questions as well. Thank you to everyone who’s still following me & everyone who has reached out to check in on me and express ongoing interest in this blog.

<3

Zinnia

Amplifying Melanated Voices - polyamory & non-monogamy

Instead of posting Ask Polyamory content this week, I will be amplifying Black voices in the area of sexual health, relationships, reproductive justice, and other relevant topics. Please support these creators and organizations with your readership, donations, and other amplifying actions.

If you would like your blog or content to be featured here, please reach out.

Black & Poly - Black & Poly is a community where we ask the questions and share the stories that too often go unexamined because of fear or shame. Our goal is to provide an eclectic, culturally rich environment where people can come together to socialize, learn, and share common interests related to polyamorous living.

Alicia Bunyan Sampson - ALICIA BUNYAN SAMPSON is an independent filmmaker, writer, counsellor/advocate and researcher based in Toronto. She focuses her work primarily on her identity as a black woman, love, trauma, sexuality and non-monogamy. Her academic and creative research focuses on the intersections of sexual trauma, race and gender identity. She is currently working on a documentary series about polyamorous black people. She has a forthcoming book, No Filter: Diary Of A Polyamorous Black Girl set to be published by Thorntree Press.

Black Sex Geek - Ruby Bouie Johnson, sex therapist and educator.

Evita Sawyers - Black, Bisexual, Polyamorous, Feminist, and Opinionated

Poly Role Models - Spotlighting the perfectly-flawed, wonderfully unique people and relationships that make up polyamory!

Amplifying Melanated Voices - reproductive justice

Instead of posting Ask Polyamory content this week, I will be amplifying Black voices in the area of sexual health, relationships, reproductive justice, and other relevant topics. Please support these creators and organizations with your readership, donations, and other amplifying actions.

National Black Women’s Reproductive Justice Agenda - Reproductive Justice is the human right to control our bodies, our sexuality, our gender, our work and our reproduction. That right can only be achieved when all women and girls have the complete economic, social, and political power and resources to make healthy decisions about our bodies, our families, and our communities in all areas of our lives. It is this vision that propels this new initiative. In Our Own Voice: National Black Women’s Reproductive Justice Agenda will focus on abortion rights and access, contraceptive equity and comprehensive sex education as our key policy issues.

SisterSong - SisterSong’s mission is to strengthen and amplify the collective voices of indigenous women and women of color to achieve reproductive justice by eradicating reproductive oppression and securing human rights.

The Afiya Center - Our mission is to serve Black women and girls by transforming their relationship with their sexual and reproductive health through addressing the consequences of reproduction oppression.

Black & Bold: Black Liberation & Reproductive Justice - Download, print, and use these cards with friends and groups who want to explore topics of Black liberation and Reproductive Justice! The cards will help build some knowledge and open up important questions about what we can do to lift up Black leadership.

Amplifying Melanated Voices - sexual wellness

Instead of posting Ask Polyamory content this week, I will be amplifying Black voices in the area of sexual health, relationships, reproductive justice, and other relevant topics. Please support these creators and organizations with your readership, donations, and other amplifying actions.

If you would like your blog or content to be featured here, please reach out.

KIMBRITIVE - Real, empowering conversations + sexual wellness workshops for Black women and girls.

Afrosexology - We create spaces online and in real life for Black people to openly discuss sexual exploration and liberation.

Black Youth Project: Gender & Sexuality - The Black Youth Project will examine the attitudes, resources, and culture of the young, urban black millennial, exploring how these factors and others influence their decision-making, norms, and behavior in critical domains such as sex, health, and politics.

The Body: A Home For Love - the body: a home for love is a tax deductible 501c3 non-profit organization shifting culture around how black women heal from sexual trauma. through restorative programming, art, design and wellness, we curate experiences that impart healing rituals to women in need of self-love, community and safe spaces.

Amplifying Melanated Voices - Upspoken

Instead of posting Ask Polyamory content this week, I will be amplifying Black voices in the area of sexual health, relationships, reproductive justice, and other relevant topics. Please support these creators and organizations with your readership, donations, and other amplifying actions.

If you would like your blog or content to be featured here, please reach out.

Upspoken - Upspoken is a space for Black women to come together to share our varied experiences, strengths, vulnerabilities and successes in love, relationships and sex. We believe that, together, we can build power and strength from each other, giving us the confidence to take full ownership of our sexuality and build healthy relationships that prioritize our needs.

Upspoken Royaltea - This table has been set for Black women of all ages and backgrounds to sip on the hottest tips for sexual empowerment.

My offer still stands - handwritten letters and stickers or personal online correspondence in exchange for donations to BLM and related organizations.

I have this platform. I'm gonna use it.

Right now the people of my country are fighting for freedom, justice, and the dismantling of a racist system. Please send some support to one of the organizations listed in this document.

Anyone who donates $5 or more and sends me proof at polyamoryadvice@gmail.com will get either a.) a hand-written, decorated letter with 2 Ask Polyamory stickers mailed to them OR b.) a private, personal email in response to whatever they ask. (You’ll need to clarify which one you want in your email. If you want a letter and stickers, you’ll need to send me your address.)

I'm in happy, established polyamorous relationships - so why do I feel like I want to date more people?

I'm madly in love with my partners, but sometimes I think I would like to see someone else as well, just casually. I don't have a ton of experience with poly outside of my little 'cule, so I was hoping for some guidance from someone with more experience: Do I really want a new partner? Or do I just want more from my current partners? I haven't been thinking about anyone in particular, I just feel like I want someone to flirt with and go on dates with. I do feel like I don't get a lot of that with my partners anymore. But I can't tell whether my interest in dating someone new springs solely from that or from just wanting someone new.

I’m not psychic, so I can’t tell you for sure what you “really want,” but I can tell you that NRE is a hell of a drug, and it’s very common to crave a new hit after a while without it. The early stages of a relationship, with all the flirting and the excitement, are fun!

There’s nothing wrong with enjoying your established relationships while also realizing that you are also in the mood for the experiences that come with pursuing something new or more casual. When I get that itch, I usually spend some time bonking around on various dating platforms and have a few flings. Sometimes those flings turn into long-term relationships, sometimes they don’t.

(Always ethically pursue flings - if you know you want something that’s low-commitment and mostly for fun, be up front about that! It’s not usually too hard to find someone interested in the same. There is nothing wrong with enjoying some flirting that isn’t expected to turn into a partnership.)

Of course, it’s also okay to decide that you don’t want to actually pursue a new fling, but that these feelings are alerting you to some unaddressed issues in your existing relationships. Talk to your partners about wanting to pump up the romance, and see if you can’t get creative with some date nights, spiced-up sexual play, or new ways to flirt.

These days, a lot of people are finding outlets in online chats. I actually set my OKCupid range to “anywhere” and messaged people I had a 99% match with, and have made some fun new friends. Consider asking one of your existing partners if they want to swap some steamy stories, and/or poking around the corners of the internet where people who share your interests are hanging out!

What are some good three-person cuddling positions?

I know this isn't the type of question you normally deal with, and its not nearly as emotional charged but answers are difficult to find and sometimes even more difficult to understand. Anyway, do you have any three-person cuddling positions that you recommend to us?

This question is difficult to answer, because it’s just going to be so specific to the three people who are cuddling! The most important thing is to figure out what works for you three - where everyone is bony and squishy, who runs hot and who runs cool, who likes the backrest of the couch and who wants to be sprawled out.

There is no correct way to cuddle - sometimes just making contact with feet, or a head on a thigh, is perfect! And trying to fall asleep together is different than watching a movie together. No position is going to be perfect; you’ll probably need to shift around to fall asleep or make it through a movie, or even just over the course of a discussion.

Experiment with different things - maybe the couch is hard to arrange everyone on, but cuddle piles on the bed or beanbag work better. Try to relax and let your bodies settle in to each other, whatever level of contact or touch feels good at that time.

If you want to look at specific references, honestly, the best thing I could suggest is looking through fanart tagged with terms like “ot3,” “triad,” and “poly’ combined with things like “cuddle” or “snuggle.” But don’t get too stuck on trying to replicate a specific image.

My first experience with "polyamory" was very negative

My first experience in poly was forced. I wanted to try to see what it was like and he scheduled a date without telling me, then forced me to deal with it after I had cried to him for four days saying I needed him that night and he went and had sex without a condom without talking to me about that. Is this normal? Am I wrong for being upset about it 5 months later?

If by “normal” you mean “within the bounds of decent and appropriate behavior,” no, what this person did was not normal at all. This is not how polyamory is meant to be practiced, and this is not a healthy introduction to polyamory.

If by “normal” you mean “common,” then yes, unfortunately, people being scumbags and trying to excuse their unacceptable behavior by calling it “polyamory” happens far more often than it should.

No one should ever put you in a situation where you feel “forced.” That is completely not okay, especially in the context of relationships, intimacy, or sexuality. What this guy did was absolutely atrocious and you have every right to feel upset.

You don’t say whether you are still involved with this guy. If you are, please sever those ties immediately. If he is the one making you feel like your emotions are “not normal,” please feel free to ignore his perspective.

If you feel like polyamory is not something you want to try engaging with again because your first experience with what-this-guy-said-was-poly was so terrible, that is completely fine. You don’t owe it to anyone - not this guy, not yourself, not the nebulous polyamorous community - to ‘get over’ this or to adjust your emotions based on what someone else thinks is “normal.”

Since you use the word “forced” twice in your message, and since you’re talking about issues around intimacy and sexuality, and since you’re concerned about how upset you feel in the wake of this experience, I’d strongly recommend talking to a therapist about this. You experienced a violation and you deserve help to work through how you’re feeling.

Is multiple partnerships a "need" for someone who is polyamorous?

I'm still new, as I only recently started thinking I was polyamorous, and my gf of 5 months is aware and okay with me dating other people and it's really healthy between us. My question is, do polyamorous people NEED multiple partners? I'm okay with just having one partner, but I would rather have two or three. Is that still normal, or at least not impossible?

Polyamorous people don’t “need” multiple partners, because no one fundamentally “needs” a romantic partnership to survive. We need air, and food, and water, and sleep, and things like that.

But that’s a bit of a glib answer. Technically monogamous people don’t “need” partners either, but many people’s desire to be partnered is strong enough that it can feel like a requirement for a fulfilling life. There’s an entire media genre centered around the ways that people seek romantic partnership to meet a perceived need in their life!

Some people “need” certain things, not to survive but to be happy. Some people find that their most fulfilled life must include raising kids, or being able to express themselves artistically, or living close to nature. For some people who are polyamorous, it may certainly be that their best life can only be lived by being in multiple partnerships. Whether this is a “need” is ultimately a question of semantics.

Given the other details in your question, it doesn’t seem like this is a hair you need to spend much time splitting. If your partner is okay with you dating other people, and things are working in a healthy way, does it really matter whether this is something you’d be unable to live well without, or just something you really want? It doesn’t matter how “normal” your experience is - it’s your experience, and the only person it needs to work for is you!

You also answer your own question there when you say you’d be “okay” with just one partner, but “would rather” have two or three. You sound pretty self-aware that you know what it would take for you to be in a relationship that you are “okay with” vs one where you get more of what you want. You have all the information you need, so just keep on doing what you’re doing.

My partner and I tried polyamory, but it ended in a messy breakup

Me and my ex wanted to start a poly relationship. I found a girl and I fell in love with her. This was a year ago. Issues came up because they refused to communicate and recently they broke up with me to be with each other. I feel hurt, betrayed, and destroyed. I fell out of love with her because of how little she showed me love but I still love him dearly. In my head I hate her. I feel like she stole him from me. I know he had a choice in it. He says he doesn’t really know her that well but says he wants to give their relationship a try. It feels like he’s keeping me off to the side just in case their relationship doesn’t work. I’m so angry I don’t know what to do.

Ultimately, this isn’t a “polyamory advice” question, it’s just a really crappy situation that you’ve found yourself in. I’m sorry that happened to you, and it sucks. When your partner leaves you for someone else, when you feel hurt and betrayed by someone, when you feel anger and hatred, that all sucks. I am sorry.

My advice would be to take some serious space from both of these people. I know you still love your boyfriend, but he made choices that left you feeling “hurt, betrayed, and destroyed” and he is currently dating someone who you “hate.” All that together means it’s probably not wise to try and attempt any kind of closeness with him right now.

If you feel like he’s “keeping you off to the side just in case,” the solution to that is to not let him. Do not wait around for him to end things with her. Decide for yourself that you’re not interested in getting back with a guy who did this, and do what you need to do to move on.

You say that you’re so angry that you don’t know what to do, and honestly, there really is nothing to “do” here. You can’t change her behaviors or his choices. This situation isn’t something you need to act on or resolve. Take a huge step back and let yourself let go of trying to change or fix this.

Tend to yourself and your anger. Journal, cry, go for a run, scream into a pillow, call a friend, eat some comfort food. You’re grieving two relationships and healing from a messy breakup. Do what it takes to get through that.

I want my wife to see other men, but she doesn't want to

I want my wife to date other men. I talked her into having sex with other men before and it was great but now she is hesitant.

Usually, if someone has to be “talked into” doing something, it means they don’t really want to do it. Sometimes, they may discover that they like it, and they may be glad for the push. But most of the time, that’s not the case. And clearly it was not “great,” since she doesn’t want to do it again.

Your wife did everything she could be expected to in this situation. You wanted to try something new sexually, and it sounds like she was willing to try it out, even though it wasn’t something she was personally excited about. Now that she’s tried it out, she’s learned that it isn’t something she enjoys.

That’s it, that’s all the information you need. Stop pressuring your partner to do something that they don’t want to do. If she needed to be “talked into it,” and now she’s “hesitant,” you have plenty of information. Listen to what your wife is telling you, which is “no.”

If this is something you can’t live without in a relationship, you need to make some serious choices about continuing the marriage. But if you want to stay married to your wife, you need to drop this. She tried it, it didn’t work, so stop trying to force the issue.

Think about what gets you off about your wife having sex with other men, and whether there is a compromise that can be found. Maybe watching porn or fantasizing together could scratch that itch. But please wait a while before even bringing up an attempted compromise, and if she says no, you need to take no for an answer and not wheedle or whine or try to “talk her into it.”

My wife is participating in an affair

My wife & I are polyamorous. She has been seeing one of her old crushes from when they were kids, only now he is in a monogamous relationship with his wife of 4 years. They have been talking day & night non-stop, sharing their romantic & sexual feelings for each other. She knows that she's having an affair & doesn't care for the girl's feelings, only I feel terrible about it. I am so thrilled my wife is happy in her new relationship, but I feel upset that it's unethical nonmonogamy. Any advice?

Have you talked to your wife about this, and gotten a clear statement from her that she “doesn’t care” about the fact that she’s participating in something unethical? And have you clearly expressed to her that you feel upset by her choices?

As in most things, your first step is to make sure you’ve had a clear and open conversation about what’s going on for you emotionally. Let her know that you are glad for her to have found a happy relationship, but your problem is with the unethical side of what’s going on.

She could then decide that she doesn’t want to continue making a choice that makes her partner uncomfortable, or that makes her partner see her in a less-than-stellar light. She could, however, tell you that she hears your concerns but will continue as-is.

Then you’ll need to decide how to respond. Are you okay staying in a relationship with a person who behaves that way? Do you need to enact boundaries around her sharing about this relationship with you? Would you feel ethically compelled to let the wife know?

All we can do is act on the information we have. Give your wife a chance to provide you with plenty of information about what she is doing and plans to do; then let her know what you are going to do in response to that information. I am sorry that you’re in this situation!

My wife faced discrimination over being polyamorous, which is making her reconsider trying it

Me and my wife went poly about 2 months ago, everything was fine until just recently someone reported her for harassment at her work for being poly all because this person doesn't like how friendly she is with other people and thinking she just wants to screw them since she’s poly. Now she doesn't want to due to this. So first of all is that discrimination and can we fight it or like what? Second I still want to be poly but I don't know how to explain it to her and whatnot.

Okay there’s a lot going on here. For starters, the harassment report at work. Polyamory is not a protected class, so this would not be discrimination in a legally actionable sense. If it is true that this person simply reported her for “being poly,” then your wife probably has nothing to worry about besides some annoying conversations with HR. However, if her company culture is very conservative, she may be up against more challenges.

It’s important to remember that most people think “polyamory” is a sexual behavior, not an identity or relationship style. So they can feel uncomfortable or harassed by hearing a coworker talk about it. If someone at work asked me what I did over the weekend, and I said “I went to a BDSM party and got spanked,” or “I hd great sex with my girlfriend and came three times,” that would be wildly inappropriate for work and my coworkers would be justified in feeling uncomfortable. But if I said “I went on a date with my boyfriend” or “I saw a movie with my partner,” that would be fine.

The sticky part comes when you say “I went on a date with both of my boyfriends.” We as polyamorous people understand that this is just as reasonable to say and is not a violation of anyone’s decency. But some people do perceive that as an over-sharing of private, sexual information. And sometimes that battle is worth fighting, and other times, when someone’s livelihood is at stake, it might not be worth it to try and educate a bunch of people at your job. So your wife needs to figure out how much she is willing to risk to be “out” at work.

However, if this is about behavior on your wife’s part that someone perceived as harassing, that’s different than being reported simply for “being poly.” If the way that she is friendly with people at work is inappropriate or makes someone uncomfortable, that’s not relevant to her polyamory - though her behavior could be seen through a more sexualized lens if she is also talking about her polyamory. In that case, she should stop behaving that way at work and follow whatever procedures her workplace has to resolve the issue. If this is instead some social drama more related to someone’s petty jealousy over other people’s workplace friendships and someone just trying to use details of her personal life to cause problems for her, hopefully her HR department will see through that and let the matter drop.

So my advice for her on that count is to be professional and responsible and listen carefully to what she needs to do about this report. It could amount to nothing but a disgruntled coworker complaining about something dumb, or on the other extreme end, she could lose her job. Since polyamory is not a protected class, that would be legal. You could find a lawyer and try to fight it, but you’d need to decide whether an expensive and drawn out court battle over a very new-to-the-legal-system concept is worth it. She could also decide to be less “out” at work, or look for another job where she is more comfortable and accepted.

As for her not wanting to try out polyamory with you, it seems like there’s more to the situation than that. If it’s what you two have decided is right for you and your relationship at this time, some aggravation from her coworkers shouldn’t be able to fully re-balance those scales. But if she’s feeling freaked out about facing social censure, that’s understandable. If she’s realizing that she isn’t committed or invested enough in polyamory to make the sacrifices it can require, that’s good information to have.

It’s less about “how to explain it to her” and more about having an open conversation. What is she concerned about? What was she hoping for when you two “went poly,” and what is making her want to reconsider? How can you support her through the stress of the workplace report? Where might you two find community outside of her friends at work? Would she be happy trying polyamory while having to stay closeted about it in some areas of her life? Take it all in and treat it as information that can help you two make an informed choice about how to move forward.

I am dating two people, and am not sure how to handle heavy topics that I'd only like to discuss one-on-one

I recently got into a poly relationship for the first time with my partner and datemate who have been together for several years. I have PTSD which they are both aware of and understanding about. I sometimes feel like I want to/should talk to them about this more in depth? But I feel like doing that in a setting with multiple people could make me freak out. I also don’t want to just talk with one of them about it because it feels to me like that would be unfair/unequal to them? Tips for this?

The best thing to do is to talk with both your partners about this concern! I’m not a psychic, but it seems highly likely that, if they are reasonable people, they will reassure you that it is OK to not have perfectly identical conversations with both of them. It can be tempting in the early stages of polyamory to try and make sure everything is “equal,” but relationships and conversations unfold naturally and resist whatever arbitrary balances we try to force them into.

It would be one thing if you were asking one partner to keep secrets from the other, or putting them in a position where only one person felt like you trusted them. But simply feeling comfortable enough to talk about your traumas and mental health in various situations isn’t the same thing as creating a problematic relationship dynamic.

So let them know that you have this concern, and you don’t want either of them to feel left out. Explain that as you grow closer to them and the relationship deepens, you’d like to be able to talk about some big, serious things - but it feels too overwhelming to have that conversation with two people at once.

Talk about whether all three of you would be okay with an arrangement where your partners freely discuss between each other what you share, or whether you’d prefer to manage all disclosures yourself. Give yourself space to work this out, and know that it might differ between topics. But if all three of you are flexible and present to each other’s needs, it’s likely that this will resolve into a non-issue and you’ll find that you all know how to have intimate conversations in ways that work for you.

Someone well respected in my community said nasty things about my preferred poly practice

Someone who’s a “sage” in the community basically called polyfidelity monogamy with bonus people and that polyfidelity is basically just a relationship of insecurity. I feel personally offended by this notion as I’ve had partners with other partners not dating me. I never once self jealous or unhappy, but my preference at its roots is fidelity. The whole conversation made me feel really bad and invalid, unaccepted and lesser. Advice?

I am sorry that someone who is respected in your community made you feel that way. That always sucks, and it can be so alienating.

However, it sounds like you know pretty solidly that what that person said is straight up not true. You know that you have a preference and you know that it is not rooted in jealousy or insecurity. Nothing this person says can change that or take that away from you.

People are often out in the world being wrong. Sometimes they are even wrong about us, personally. And that can be maddening, but a big part of finding some kind of peace in this bonkers world is learning to let some people just be over there being wrong.

Becoming a “sage” in a community doesn’t make someone an infallible expert on all things. If this was a one time thing, resolve to skip all their workshops and panels from now on, and surround yourself with people who respect you and your relationships.

If you are seeing ripple effect ramifications from this person’s influence, start speaking up within the community. No one person gets to determine the truth for an entire group of people. (That way lies cults.) You may find lots of allies who were also uncomfortable with that idea being spread around.

Sometimes, it can be freeing and empowering to realize that we’ve outgrown our heroes. You’re confident enough in your own experiences that you don’t need to look to these “sages” to define things for you, and you are knowledgable enough to recognize when they are wrong.

Take some time to care for yourself, because it can really hurt when someone whose voice we value says something that is alienating, hurtful, or false. But focus on the fact that you know they were wrong.

My boyfriend's wife says she's okay with polyamory, but when we talk she cries about it

My bf said he was poly and said his wife was on board. She and I spoke by email for a while before meeting and she seemed happy and consenting. I have met her in person 3 times now and all she does is cry and talk about how hard this is. She is clearly not ok with this arrangement. I love my bf and am afraid to lose him but I hate that she is hurting. I offered to walk away (even though that would destroy me) but my bf said absolutely no. What do I do? Any way to make this better for her?

A couple of reality checks: First, leaving a relationship will not destroy you. You may be in a lot of grief and pain, but your structural integrity is not being threatened. You can and will survive the loss of a partner who you love. Also, your boyfriend saying “absolutely not” doesn’t mean you can’t leave a relationship. That’s your call to make. Finally, her emotional struggles are not your responsibility nor are they something you can control.

Ultimately, you need to decide whether you’re happy being in a relationship where your metamour is so unhappy. I’m of the belief that adults are allowed to take each other at their word, so the fact that she says she’s consenting is significant here. It’s possible that she just has lots of feelings about polyamory and thinks you’re the only person she can vent all this stuff out to, and that she’s less miserable than she seems. It’s possible that she’s really hurting and is refusing to acknowledge it for her own reasons.

Start by talking to your boyfriend. Tell him that whenever you and his wife meet in person, she tells you about how unhappy she is with this arrangement. Let him know that you’re really uncomfortable with this. What does he think? Does he mind? Does he think you have an obligation to manage his wife’s feelings? What is he prepared to do to make space in his relationship for a healthy exploration of polyamory?

Would he be okay with it if you stepped back from having conversations with his wife about this? It’s okay if you say that you’re happy to meet up with her socially and get to know each other, but that as metamours, you don’t think you’re able to process and receive her feelings about her relationship with her husband.

If your boyfriend isn’t able and willing to help you find a more sustainable way forward, one that doesn’t make you feel like you’re harming someone and doesn’t put the onus of handling his wife’s feelings onto you, then this could be worked out. But if he can’t collaborate with you on some healing work here - if he’s fine with this status quo where his wife pretends to be okay with something that she’s obviously not okay with, and where you’re asked to provide ad-hoc poly therapy to her - you’re better off leaving the relationship. He doesn’t have to “let you,” and you will suffer heartbreak, but neither of those things mean you must stay in a relationship that isn’t good for you.