I was that grey-Ace anon and whoops Im sorry I didn’t mean to be offensive with wording and sound so bad 😅 I just didn’t know how to word it. Thanks for your answer though!

Hey, it’s okay! 

I don’t usually post follow-ups like this, but in this case I want to point out that when I call attention to language like I did in the most recent letter, I am never trying to shame someone or say that they are being offensive or wrong. 

Instead, I believe strongly that healthy polyamory (and healthy personhood, honestly) means recognizing our unconscious assumptions. We need to identify what we believe, pull it into the light, examine it, and with intentionality decide whether we want to keep that belief or not.

A lot of times, we move through the world thinking that how we see things is just an objective observation of reality - that if we interpret something one way, that’s just how it is. Because how else are we supposed to know what the world is like if we can’t trust our senses and interpretations?

But when you sit down with yourself, your thoughts and feelings, you might find that some “facts” you take for granted; some of the structure of your worldview - it’s not that useful or true.

So when I call attention to the language in a letter, I am not trying to correct you or call you out. I am trying to say, “hey, based on your language, you might actually be framing things this way - I encourage you to recognize that that is a way of framing things rather than simply how things inherently are.”

Looking at the language we use is a great way to expose and explore the underlying assumptions we have about the world! It’s just a little “hey, did you notice…” from me, trying to be helpful, not accusatory! The words we choose for things we struggle to define can be powerful clues about how our minds are putting it all together.

Another example might be me saying “I know I shouldn’t be so angry, but I really can’t stand when my mom does XYZ.”  I’m trying to talk about the issue with my mom, but my therapist stops me and points out that I prefaced my emotions with “I shouldn’t feel this way” and encourages me to explore that sense of shame or repression around my anger. To me, it was just an innocuous conversational way of introducing a topic, but she is trained to see these patterns and help us be cognizant of them. It doesn’t mean it was a bad thing to say, just that it’s good to pay attention to the words we use, because sometimes they reveal things we haven’t consciously noticed. 

Go forth, live intentionally, date healthfully, and keep sending me letters! <3

I’m poly and gray asexual, but I’m in a monogamous relationship. The only person I can see myself having sex with is my boyfriend. Anyone else I don’t want that. If we agreed to bring someone in, could it only be for romantic purposes and not sexual?

You’re asking the wrong person here - I can’t be the one who gives the go-ahead for the relationship arrangement you want. That’s up to your boyfriend and anyone else you date.

Think through, really clearly, what you want and what you mean by “bring someone in” and “only for romantic purposes.” First off, be careful with language that accidentally frames things in a possessive or objectifying way - people are not toys you “bring in” to your relationship; you have a relationship with people, it’s two-sided and dynamic. And people are not “for…purposes” - polyamory is not permission to see or treat other people like need-meeting machines.

My advice for you is to sit down and really, clearly, honestly, clarify what you want.

Does that mean you want to date other people, but not have sex with them? That seems entirely possible, especially if you find another ace or gray-ace person.

Does that mean you want to add a third to your relationship and date someone as a couple? In that case, would this person have the option of sex with your boyfriend? Would you expect it to be a closed relationship between the two of you, or would you be okay with this third person having other romantic and/or sexual partners?

Keep in mind that the proposition “I want you to date me and my boyfriend, but not have sex with either of us, even though we’re having sex with each other” is a hard sell, and if you add, “and also, we don’t want you to date or have sex with anyone else,” it’s even worse. You may need to decide what you’re willing to compromise or sacrifice to get most of what you want, if all of what you want means making setting unreasonable terms.

You also need to work out a definition of what a “romantic” relationship means to you, as distinguished from a sexual one. How much physical affection does that include? How does it differ from a close friendship? What kind of commitment does it include? What labels would you prefer to use for each other?

We live in a vast world, one where just about anything is possible, and people have all sorts of different needs and desires when it comes to sex, romance, monogamy, and relationships. It’s entirely possible that you can find what you’re looking for. You just need to know what it is that you’re looking for, and have a relational arrangement that is healthy for everyone, including this hypothetical third person.

I have two partners. Partner A only has one other partner who doesn’t have any other partners. Partner B has two other partners, both of which have other partners. One of Partner B’s partners contracted gonorrhea so now we all have to get tested. Like, ten of us. And I’m freaking out a little bit. Gonorrhea isn’t a big deal, but it could have just as easily been HIV or something else not treatable. What do you do to keep yourself safe?

I’m sorry to hear that you’re dealing with an STI scare and it’s got you freaking out. Let me first try and soothe some of that anxiety. It’s actually a really good sign that you know what’s going on and that everyone is going to get tested. It shows that the people in your extended polyamorous network are mature and responsible enough to have awkward, unpleasant conversations for the sake of everyone’s safety.

In fact, one study found that healthy, consensual non-monogamy actually reduces your risk of contracting an STI, because it creates the “emotional infrastructure” required to keep everyone safe. If you were monogamous and your partner cheated on you, for instance, you wouldn’t have the same exchange of information and openness. So be proud of yourself and your partners and metamours for being trustworthy grownups about this.

As for the concern about other STIs: I know it can be easy to jump to the worst-case-scenario of “what if it was HIV?” but I want to try and offer some alternative framings. For one thing, i’m not sure it “could just have easily been HIV,” since gonorrhea and chlamydia are the most commonly reported STIs among young sexually active people, and there are far fewer new cases of HIV every year. (Source.)

Also, it sounds like your polyamorous network is responsible enough to reduce your risk significantly with regards to HIV - someone with HIV who gets tested regularly would know they have HIV and take active steps to inform their partners and reduce their transmission risks. So it sounds like within the circle of people you’re sexually linked to, it’s much ‘easier’ for a gonorrhea infection to accidentally show up than an HIV one.

Know that HIV is treatable, even though it is not currently curable. Once an HIV infection is discovered, the person with the virus can take drugs that significantly reduce their viral load and thus their transmission risks. But, again, if someone who is HIV-positive enters your polyamorous network, you can cross that bridge when you come to it. STIs are not interchangeable; the fact that you may have been exposed to gonorrhea doesn’t mean you have the same risk level of exposure to HIV. 

Second, as for the question what do you do to keep yourself safe? Exactly what you are doing! The person with gonorrhea did the right thing by getting tested regularly enough to catch it. Everyone did the right thing by alerting the extended network. You’re doing the right thing by going and getting tested. It sounds like you’ve surrounded yourself with people who are wise and safe, that you choose partners well and your partners choose their partners well. Great job!

In the end, though, there is no way to 100% guarantee that you’ll never be exposed to an STI, whether it’s gonorrhea or HIV, as long as you have multiple partners who have multiple partners. All you can do is reduce your risk by:

• Getting tested regularly and insisting that your partners do as well
  
• Setting clear, non-negotiable, zero-tolerance boundaries around protection
  
• Cultivating a safe culture for people to inform the extended network about possible exposure

My partners and I use condoms for 100% of penetrative sex. I would consider it a major consent violation if I found out that a partner of mine had condom-less sex with someone else, or if one tried to pressure me into condom-less sex. I would also consider it a major violation on my part, akin to cheating in a monogamous relationship, if I chose to have condom-less sex. If I find out that someone is lax about protection or part of a polyamorous network with a higher risk tolerance than me, I don’t sleep with them. 

It’s okay for different people to have different risk tolerances. Know yours, and stick to it. Most things in life that are enjoyable or otherwise worth doing carry some risk. Car accidents kill tons of people every year, but I still make the calculated risk to drive to where I want to go. I drive safely and wear a seatbelt, but I accept that “risking a car accident” is what I choose instead of “never drive anywhere.” Some people make a different choice, and that’s okay. Rather than trying to guard yourself 100% against potentially getting an STI, try instead to be clear-eyed and balanced about the risks you are and are not willing to take. 

Hi! I am poly-single/AB/‘virgin’ and working on expressing and meeting my social/romantic/sexual needs at the moment with my therapist as I am shy and afraid of making them real. I got an invitation from some members of the local poly group (among them my crush), they are organizing a 'pleasure party’, uncommercial, but with a strong focus on consent and safe sex. Do you have any tips for overcoming my insecurity or how to deal with the people there, so I can freely experience new things there?

First off, major kudos to you for working on this with your therapist and taking the big steps of connecting with a local polyamory group and making plans! You are doing the hard work of healing and growing, and that is something to be really proud of. Some tips from me:

Take the pressure off yourself. Some therapists working with clients to set new habits assign things like “every day, after work, drive to the gym. Just drive there and sit in your car for a bit.” That is easier to start with than “go to the gym and WORK OUT FOR A WHOLE HOUR,” especially if the person has anxiety around going to the gym or working out. So just plan to go and not have sex. Plan to go, meet people, get the lay of the land, see what these parties are all about. If all the stars align and you end up feeling comfortable and playing with someone you click with, great! But let that be a lucky bonus, not the purpose of your attendance.

Wear something you feel comfortable in. This is a tough one to get the right balance of, but it’s worth some pre-planning because in my experience, it does make a difference. If everyone is wearing strappy black leather and lingerie and you come in a bright yellow sundress or jeans and a t-shirt, you’ll stand out and feel self-conscious. At the same time, if you go buy something lacy and tiny that you’re not used to wearing, you’ll have a hard time enjoying yourself if you feel too exposed and are always worried about tugging or adjusting something uncomfortable. Ask the people who invited you what people usually wear, and take some time with your own wardrobe or shopping to find something that you are going to be comfortable in.

Be honest about your newbie-status. People at parties like this tend to be lovely, welcoming, friendly, and gentle. Don’t feel like you have to fool people into thinking you’re some expert who’s done this a million times. It’s okay to say that you’re new to this, that you’re a bit nervous, etc. It’s okay to ask questions. If anyone acts exclusive, rude, gatekeeper-y, or anything beyond sweet and helpful, they are not a safe person. It reflects on them, not you.

Be as independent as possible. It can be tempting to find a ‘buddy’ that you already know, maybe the person who invited you, and stick with them - and that’s definitely a good place to start, but don’t rely on them the entire time. If you only feel secure when right next to someone you already know, you won’t get to meet other people or enjoy other experiences. Plus, if they want to go off and play, or talk to someone else, etc. then you might feel abandoned or unsafe, and that’s no fun! So do your best to make friends, move through the room, hover near the food, step into those loose circles of people standing around and talking, make eye contact and smile and thus invite people to introduce themselves, etc.

Any advice for a married straight poly man new to non-monogamy my wife has no problems finding dates I on the other hand I can’t even get a conversation to last past the explanation of poly life. I try to get to the subject up front so there are no surprises and also I feel dishonest if I don’t right away. Am I rushing the subject or just not looking in the right direction?

If you take a random slice of the population in most places, the average woman is not going to be super excited about a guy who tries to pick her up by explaining that he’s already married. I haven’t been there to watch you try to find dates, but I’d guess it’s probably a combination of the two.

It’s a delicate balance to ‘come out’ as polyamorous to potential new partners, one you learn through trial-and-error, unfortunately. You gotta build enough chemistry to lay a foundation for that conversation, but you can’t wait too long, or it does feel dishonest. You also need to learn how to bring it up gently and casually, not like you’re unburdening a great secret or laying out all sorts of terms and arrangements right up front. 

And even if you explain polyamory at the exact right time in the best possible way, you’ll have way worse luck with women you meet at bars or coffee shops or whatever. Again, the average woman is not super into dating married men. Try dating avenues that let you select for, and be selected for, people who are already open to non-monogamy. I’ve found that online dating is best for this, as well as polyamorous meetups and real-life groups. Here’s my FAQ page about this.

Know also that it’s just harder for men to get dates with women than for women to get dates with men. It’s a sad reality of the dating economy that patriarchy has handed down to us. So try not to compare your dating successes with your wife. Don’t be in such a rush. Let go of a need for things to be ‘equal’ on this front. Invest in friendships or solo hobbies that mean you have something fun to do instead of dating. And just be patient!

My wife doesn’t want us to go past kissing with our girlfriend at least for the time being, but the gf wants to have sex she feels like it’s been missing from her life and honestly I don’t blame her. Personally I would rather bring her in with me and my wife. Instead though she asked if she could seek other partners and at first me and my wife were fine with it, but now I feel a strong jealousy starting to form and I don’t know what to do

To clarify: you and your wife are dating a third person, but neither of you will have sex with her. At the same time, you’re expecting the arrangement to be exclusive - she doesn’t have sex with anyone else, either.

This is deeply imbalanced. Neither you nor your wife have made the same promise to her, I’m assuming - you two are still free to have sex with each other, without her. This is not a sustainable arrangement. 

Think about where your jealousy is coming from. Jealousy is often referred to as a “secondary emotion” meaning it always has some fear, threat, or other feeling driving it. It’s too vague to just say you have “jealousy” - you need to interrogate that feeling, sit with it, and figure out what’s going on.

If you have a concrete concern: that she will expose you and your wife to STDs; that the partners she is seeking have a history of violence or drama or consent violations; that she has a pattern of abandoning time with you for her new partners - talk about that. 

Are you worried that she’ll find something easier or more fun and stop dating you and your wife? In this case, the solution is not to try and keep her through ‘force’ by using rules and restrictions - the solution is to work on the relationship with your girlfriend so what you’re offering is worth staying around for.

Are you feeling threatened by the idea of another person having sex with someone you see as your partner? This knee-jerk possessiveness is common for people, especially men, raised with traditional concepts of sex and relationships. This is something you need to let go of. When we were kids, my little brother hated to share his books. If I picked up one of “his” books to read it, he’d whine, “she’s using it up! She’s using it up!” This is absurd, clearly - reading a book does not “use it up.” He just didn’t like seeing someone else touching or reading his books. Feeling jealous over the fact that someone else is sleeping with your partner in a non-monogamous arrangement is similarly absurd - there is no inherent threat to you or your ability to enjoy time with this partner.

Realize that you, in fact, are in an incredibly secure position. You have a wife. Your girlfriend doesn’t seem to be threatening your marriage. You have way less to lose here than your girlfriend. Realize also that your ability to have sex with your wife doesn’t seem to be threatening your relationship with your girlfriend. Try to apply that same logic to her. If you can have sex with people-who-are-not-your-girlfriend, why can’t your girlfriend have sex with people-who-are-not-you?

Also, sometimes, being a grownup means you have unpleasant feelings that you have to put up with. Feeling “jealousy” does not mean you have an unalienable right to make demands of your partner, nor that they have a sacred obligation to soothe your jealousy. Sometimes we want things that we can’t have. Sometimes I feel annoyed or bored during work meetings, but that doesn’t mean I get to just up and leave. You may be feeling uncomfortable about this, but the solution might just be to “suck it up.” Make the sacrifice of enduring a bad-feeling so your partner can have the same freedom-to-sleep-with-partners-who-are-not-you that you have (remember, your girlfriend isn’t demanding that you not have sex with your wife, and I suspect that if she did, you would not acquiesce or see it as justified).

Please check out this website and all the linked resources for help managing and improving this situation.

I’m in a polyamorous relationship and it’s fantastic. I’ve never seen my girlfriend so happy, but here’s the thing, she very extroverted and I’m extremely introverted. I’m ungodly picky, like slow burns and I’ve already shortened my list because I’m a lesbian. How does one go about meeting people without it happening every two years?

Online dating is great for this! It lets you filter for polyamorous lesbians, and lets you check people out and chat from the comfort of your own bed. Plus, you can slow-burn as long as you want over chat!

So are local groups that connect you with like-minded folk who share your hobbies. You can check out groups for lesbians to meet and socialize, and also groups for whatever interests you have. There are “shut up and write” groups in many cities where you get together with a group of people and mostly don’t talk much, just write in each other’s company for a while. Afterwards some people stay and chat or exchange contact info. 

Also, maybe let go of the concept that it’s a problem if you don’t meet many new partners. It sounds like your timeframe works for you: it lets you be picky and doesn’t force you into dating a bunch of people you’re meh on, and it lets you enjoy the slow-burn buildup of a relationship without feeling rushed or pressured. If you are okay with your dating life as it is, but just feel like you’re being left behind by your girlfriend, maybe the solution isn’t for you to find more frequent dates, but for you to cultivate more time with your girlfriend to temper the NRE that pulls her attention away, to spend time with friends or solitary hobbies, and let go of the sense that you need to ‘keep up’ with her dating pace.

I’m in an open relationship and I have two partners- my boyfriend also has a girlfriend as well as me, and while I’m okay with his girlfriend I just don’t particularly like her. Like as a person. I can stand being around her for small amounts of time, but I don’t think I could ever consider her a friend. I worry that, if my boyfriend ever asked for me to hang out with her, that when I say no he’ll get upset. I just want him to understand that, and I don’t want to offend him.

A healthy relationship includes the freedom to be honest, even about unpleasant or inconvenient truths. Both of my partners have friends that I don’t particularly like, and we make it work. The conversation usually goes like this:

“I don’t really like your friend Blevin.”

“That’s fair. I won’t invite him to things you host and won’t be annoyed if you make yourself scarce when he’s around.”

The trick is not to be accusatory about the friend or metamour - don’t say or imply that they’re a bad person, or that your partner is blind to some critical flaw, or wrong for liking them. Just let it stand as a personal preference of yours. I hate jazz and metal music (I know, musically my palate is Unrefined), so when my partner goes to jazz or metal concerts, he finds someone else to go with. Not everything, or everyone, must be mutually enjoyed.

So if your boyfriend suggests that you become one-on-one friends with his girlfriend, it’s okay to politely decline. “I’m happy to be nice to Stephanda when you have her around, but she’s not someone I’m interested in hanging out with more.”

If your boyfriend wants to know why, try to take a shrugging but gentle tone. “She and I just don’t click. I know she makes you happy, and I love that you two have a good relationship, but I’d rather just let her stay on the edges of my life as your partner.”

If he can’t handle this honesty, if he gets angry or defensive or demands that you give her another chance, that reaction is his problem and inappropriate on his part, and you’ll need to think about whether you can be in a polyamorous arrangement with someone whose terms of the relationship include “you are not allowed to dislike my other partners ever” - but I wouldn’t worry about this unless it actually happens. Give him a chance to be healthy and accepting of this imperfect and inconvenient, but not really problematic, situation.

I have insecurity issues particularly because I have a history of being left for other people. The man I’m with now (6mo LDR) had done so prior, married her. He’s divorced now. He doesn’t want to label what we’re doing but he tells me he loves me. He wants me to think about moving in with him from another state with my kid. I want to but I’m scared about his commitment. I can’t for a while yet. How do I talk to him about “us” and labels? I’m taking a risk, but it needs to be a calculated risk?

Hold up. If I’m reading this right, you’re currently dating a person who previously left you for another woman, married her, then divorced her and got back together with you. You’ve been together in this second relationship for six months now, all long distance. He wants you to move to another state to be with him. But he isn’t willing to use language to commit to you. 

I do not think you should make this move. I do not think you should continue to sidestep your own needs because this guy “doesn’t want to label” things. You do not “have insecurity issues,” you are in a fundamentally insecure situation. He is making sure that he provides you no security, then making you feel like your sense of insecurity is coming from your own “issues,” not a clear-eyed observation of the reality of the situation.

You have the right to ask for what you need. If he refuses to give it to you, walk away. Say something like: “The fact that you refuse to “label” what we’re doing isn’t working for me anymore. Am I your girlfriend? Are you my boyfriend? How would you define our relationship? Are we committed to seeing each other exclusively? What do you see as our future together? Are you committed to staying with me unless an issue comes up between us, not just until you don’t feel like it anymore? I need honest, clear answers to these questions before I’m willing to make any more commitments to this relationship.”

That is an appropriate and fair thing to ask. If he acts like you’re being demanding or controlling or pushy or “moving too fast,” then there’s your answer: that he is not able or willing to provide you the security that you need. He doesn’t want to make a commitment to you. He doesn’t want to give an inch, but he wants you to cross the miles for him. Stop doing 100% of the emotional heavy lifting here. Stop sacrificing your security for his freedom. Ask for what you need. If he can’t or won’t provide it, find a more secure relationship.

I’m starting to think poly isn’t for me… wanted your advice on it. I’ve been with my SO for about 2 years now. They’re amazing and my world. Their SO is really nice too. But since we’ve come out to our families… his SO family hates me and thinks I’m going to ruin their lives. My SO’s family likes me but I overheard them talking about how I’m temporary because their child is just going through things… it just hurts to be like labeled as not real by so many. I’m not a bad person…

It’s up to you to decide whether this is a dealbreaker for you. For some people, dating someone also means dating their family, and being hurt, insulted, or alienated by their partner’s family would make the relationship untenable. Other people find that external influences like other people’s opinions and behaviors are much less of a factor when determining whether a relationship is going to work. Both perspectives are totally fine; they just differ across people.

My first suggestion would be to talk to your partners whose family members are saying these hurtful things. Maybe what you need is for them to stand up to their family: “You may not approve of my relationship with Xaniel, but you need to keep that to yourself. Speaking unkindly or disrespectfully about my partner is not okay and I will not tolerate it.”

Maybe the answer is to spend less time around these family members and stay in social and relational spaces that are safe for you. That is totally okay too! You have the right to set boundaries that are healthy for you: “I know you wanted to do Thanksgiving with your family, but last time I visited, I ended up in a lot of pain and doubt after how they talked to me and about me, so I’m going to be elsewhere this year.” 

I don’t think this is necessarily a sign that polyamory isn’t for you - perhaps this relationship isn’t for you, if the emotional minefield surrounding it is something you can’t or don’t want to navigate. Perhaps simply the current arrangement, where you’re around for these family members to say nasty things, is what’s not working. In general, if something is making you happy and working for you, and other people are being mean about it, the solution is not to stop doing the thing - it’s to either stand up to, or ignore and avoid, the people being unkind.

How can I figure out if I’m poly? I’ve been confused about this for a while now. Also, if I am poly does that mean that I’m not “actually asexual”

Here’s my FAQ page about this! Don’t worry too much about “figuring it out” - there’s no test or scan that can go “beep boop, polyamory nodule located, you are polyamorous.” Spend some time daydreaming about best and worst case scenarios, think about what draws you to relationships in media, read about polyamory, and in the meantime, live your best life.

You can be asexual and polyamorous; polyamory is the ability to have multiple romantic and/or sexual relationships. You can be interested in a dating or romantic relationship, but not a sexual one. 

Hi…I just can’t get over the guilt of my polyam relationships. I’m a woman with two male partners. I just - they deserve better, they ID as monogamous (initially anyway, probably still by preference) and I feel I’ve forced them into this. Heck, *I* ID as monogamous at heart. I just love both these two men. Nobody else, but…I can’t shake the hideous guilt. None of us looked for this. But it’s my fault. They say they’re ok and it’s just how it is. But…

Sometimes things just fall into place in ways we didn’t expect. It’s okay to let the present be the present, even if it wasn’t what you planned for in the past.

If everyone is happy, if all needs are getting met, if communication lines are open and clear, if the relationships are fulfilling - then there’s really no need for guilt. You’re not doing anything wrong. No one is being hurt. 

You are allowed to ask things of others. They are allowed to give you what you ask. This doesn’t make you evil, or them the victim. 

People are allowed to choose to be with you. Even if that requires some work or even some compromise. You’re worth it. You don’t need to be perfect or ask nothing of your partners for you to be what they ‘deserve.’

The fact that your partners find themselves in a polyamorous arrangement is not your “fault.” If no one is getting hurt, then no one is at “fault.” Let go of this projected, pseudo-psychic assumption that you’re hurting them. If they say you’re not, trust them.

Your partners chose to be with you. You chose to be with your partners. Respect this choice. Honor the agency of everyone involved. You’re not holding them hostage to a crappy relationship. There is freedom and choice here. 

If the feelings of guilt come from something specific that your partners do or say; if they are sending hints that they are being hurt - talk to them about it. If this is coming from external messages, from media or other people, disengage from the sources of that guilt.

And if this “hideous guilt” is keeping you from living and enjoying your life, or if it’s cropping up in other areas of your life as well, please consider talking to a poly-friendly therapist about this.

Some resources:

• Guilt & Emotional Competency
  
• Polyamory & Guilt
  
• Poly Guilt & Shame

My partner explains that his anger and negativity are because of his anxiety, but I still feel really hurt when he blows up at me after I go on dates or says tons of negative things about anyone I have even slight interest in. How can I be both supportive of his anxiety, which I know he’s trying to work on, and also take care of my own emotional needs? I feel like I’m taking on all the emotional labor because my anxiety isn’t as “loud” as his is and it’s really starting to make me miserable

Mental illness is never an excuse to be hurtful. It can be an explanation, a way to give language to the challenge, a way to help understand and communicate through tough spots. But explanations are not the same as excuses.

You are not obligated to simply bear your partner’s anger and negativity because he can tie it to a diagnosed mental illness. Your partner’s behavior - making extreme emotional demands, refusing to take responsibility for his behavior, guilting you about your feelings for other people, blowing up at you - is not healthy and it is not okay. Period.

If this relationship is making you miserable, leave it. If you want to try and make things work, let your partner know that some pretty big changes need to happen. He can no longer dump negativity and anger on you simply because he has tough-to-manage thoughts and feelings. Not all thoughts and feelings need to be acted on. He needs to make some major steps to start working on this unfair and unhealthy behavior, stat. If he is not seeing a therapist, he needs to do that. If he is seeing one, he needs to make this a treatment priority.

You have the right to set down clear boundaries: “I am no longer going to accept this kind of treatment. I am no longer going to have this kind of conversation. You need to come up with a healthier way to relate to me about these issues. Your current strategies for managing your anxiety are not working and you need to commit to serious changes for the sake of our relationship.” If he cannot or will not do this, this relationship isn’t healthy for you.

What is the best way for me to communicate to a partner that it’s not okay for them to interact with social media, etc when we’re being intimate and/or having sex?

In the vast majority of situations, the best way to communicate something to a partner is clearly, honestly, and in as non-accusatory a way as possible. Bring it up when you two are together but not in the middle of an intimate moment - just as a check-in and a request.

“Hey, the last few times we were snuggling in bed, you were on your phone - and that actually really bothers me. Could you please put the phone/computer/social media way while we’re having sexy or intimate time together?”

If they say “sure, I didn’t realize that was an issue, sorry!” then, great! If they do it again, a gentle reminder: “Can we agree no phones right now?”

This is a perfectly reasonable request for you to make - it doesn’t mean your partner has been doing something wrong since they didn’t know this bothers you, but once you let them know, it should be relatively easy to work through. It’s good practice to get into the habit of gently but openly having this kind of conversation in any relationship.

If, when you ask, they refuse, if they downplay it, insist that you shouldn’t be bothered, try to argue, etc. then they aren’t ready or willing to meet this need for you, and you need to decide whether this is a sustainable setup long-term for you.

I recently started therapy for anxiety. The therapist is nice enough, but, when I mentioned being poly, he said it’s okay while I’m young, but that I need to choose one partner if I want to get married or have kids. I have tried to tell him that I disagree, but he just retorts with something to the effect of, “It’s statistically impossible.” I am not out to my parents, so telling them I don’t want to go to therapy anymore would be difficult because I don’t have a reason. How do I approach this?

First off, I am really sorry that you’re dealing with this - therapy should be a safe and affirming place, but therapists are people too, who often bring their biases or baggage into the session as well. It sucks and it’s not what you deserve from a mental healthcare professional.

Unfortunately, you are not alone - many healthcare professionals are uninformed about polyamory, which can be frustrating and block polyamorous people from getting the best care. One gynecologist insisted that I was in an abusive relationship because my male partner had manipulated or brainwashed me into thinking it’s okay that he has other partners and pressed a bunch of domestic violence pamphlets into my hand. She was well-intentioned, but it was sad and alienating for me to be told that my healthy, consensual relationship is actually abuse.

You have a few options here - none are ideal, but the situation itself isn’t ideal. Choose whichever one sounds safest to you.

One: Keep your polyamory out of the sessions. If you’re seeing the therapist for anxiety, talk about your anxiety and avoid the topic of polyamory. Of course it’s suboptimal to feel closeted or like you can’t share the whole story of yourself with your therapist, but if your anxiety is primarily about things besides relationships, you may be able to re-frame therapy for yourself as a sort of ‘targeted’ medical procedure rather than an open-ended talk-therapy relationship. Ask your therapist about CBT or DBT, talk mostly about your anxiety and how it feels and what triggers it, and clarify for yourself and your therapist what your treatment goals are, keeping them focused on reducing the anxiety and its symptoms.

Two: Find another therapist. Lots and lots of people take a few tries to find a therapist they really click with, and it’s totally okay to shop around. You don’t need to tell your parents exactly why you don’t feel 100% safe and comfortable with this therapist, you can just say that you’d really appreciate the chance to try a different one. Or, make up a white lie - you’d prefer someone younger, or of a different gender, or you don’t like how he approaches [other issue]. You can review some articles with them like this one and ask if they are open to letting you do some research and find another person to talk to. Of course, there may be barriers to this, including time, distance, cost, and insurance - so let your parents know that you are grateful to them for helping you access therapy in the first place, and be as collaborative as possible about this request. 

Three: Try to educate your therapist. I hesitate to suggest this, because it’s really not your responsibility, and you may end up feeling even more alienated or unsafe if he refuses to receive what you have to say. But if you want to try, there are materials out there to help therapists understand polyamory in an accurate and healthy way. You could write him a letter or bring it up in conversation. You can print or email him some resources like:

• What psychology professionals should know about polyamory
  
• Counseling the polyamorous client
• Working with polyamorous clients in the clinical setting
• Therapy with clients who are bisexual and polyamorous

You could say something like “When I mentioned my relationship orientation [or however you define/experience your polyamory], you were dismissive of polyamory. In order for me to feel safe in therapy, I need to know that my whole self and my relationships are accepted and understood here. It sounds like you’re working from outdated information or a misunderstanding of polyamory. In reality, it’s well-documented that polyamorous relationships can be as healthy and long-lasting as monogamous ones, and it is a valid [identity/orientation/relationship style]. As your patient, I’d ask that you read this and work with me to become better informed so that our treatment relationship isn’t harmed by misunderstanding or prejudice. I’m happy to answer any questions.”

No matter what you choose, know that you are valid, you are awesome, and you deserve a happy, healthy, fulfilling life. Anxiety is a beast (I also am in treatment for an anxiety disorder), but you are doing the hard work of fighting it! I am proud of you and you should be proud of yourself. And this period of your life, where your parents and other adults are all up in your business about who you are, will end eventually. I promise. 

I’m just so hurt and upset that my family will not accept me for who I really am. They can not get over that I have a husband and my boyfriend who will be moving in with us later this year. I’m trying so hard to get them to see that it would mean a lot to me for them to meet him and be able to have him at family gatherings as well but thru refuse to even give him a chance. I’m at the point of saying I will just not go anymore.

You know how people say “blood is thicker than water”? The actual quote is “the blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb.” I’m firmly of the belief that you owe more to, and are owed more by, the people who you choose to be in your life and who choose to be in your life. Simply sharing DNA with someone by a happenstance of fate doesn’t mean they’re going to be healthy to have in your life.

I am so sorry that you’re dealing with this. Polyamorous people are not the first, and won’t be the last, minority to face rejection from their families. It’s so painful. But you are doing the right thing by setting boundaries and standing up for your chosen family, by fighting for the relationships that serve you and lift you up. Try to be proud of the strength and courage it takes to stand up to your family’s ignorance and protect what matters most: the love you, your husband, and your boyfriend share.

If the frustration and the alienation gets to be too much, please consider talking to a therapist that specializes in issues like this, or joining a polyamorous group in your area or online. <3

Both my partners are living together hours away from me and I don’t have any way of contacting either of them and recently I’ve been having a lot of relationship insecurities. Usually I talk them out with my partners but I can’t do that and I don’t know when I’ll be able to speak to them again. I don’t know what to do.

It sounds like your inability to contact them is the core issue here - my advice is to consider that situation an emergency and do what you need to do to resolve it. Is it a person in your life or their lives who is being controlling and restricting contact? Is it an issue of access to technology? Is it funding? Make a plan to get some kind of contact in place, whether it’s sending emails from a library or writing letters or buying a burner phone. Start a GoFundMe, enlist a friend to help - do what you have to do.

If you really can’t talk to your partners, you’ll have to find other ways to work on those insecurities. Try journaling about them, joining a polyamorous chatroom or forum, talking to a therapist, spending time with friends you trust, or working on a self-help workbook focused on whatever you’re specifically struggling with.

I was with my ex for almost three years, he was my everything. He was my only friend. We would always fight over who I talked to( as in guys). He was also very controlling. I honestly wanted us to last. But the accusations weren’t worth it anymore. So I gave up. I dumped him and blocked him. He’s met someone else and I can’t seem to stop checking his social media to see what he’s been up to. Do you think I really loved him or that it just hurts that he’s moved on?

That sounds like an unhealthy relationship, and you did the right thing by leaving it. But few things in life are 100% black-and-white. Having feelings of sadness and pain after a breakup is NOT evidence that a breakup was the wrong choice. 

Stop checking his social media - block him even harder if that’s possible, enlist a friend to help you break this habit, take a social media fast - and give yourself the time it will take to heal from this. It’s okay to have complicated feelings, it’s okay to need time to feel better. Focus on what makes you happy right now.

I’m poly and my bf is mono. I recently caught feelings for a coworker and my bf is not happy about it. We’ve been together for 6 years and I don’t want to ruin that. Can I change to be mono? Maybe therapy? It’s killing me and I don’t know what to do.

There is no poly-to-mono conversion therapy, nor should there be. If you have an inherent ability and desire to love multiple people at once, well, that’s who you are.

You can’t really change your feelings, but what you can focus on is how you choose to act on those feelings. A lot of relationships - heck, a lot of adult life - requires you to not pursue every single fun, good-feeling thing.

While this isn’t exactly a core aspect of my identity, I frequently have feelings that make me want to skip work and lounge in the pool instead. But I choose not to act on those desires, because even though I want something, it doesn’t mean I want it badly enough to risk something very important to me, like my job and my ability to provide for myself and my family.

Sometimes I encounter a Very Rude Person and want to tell them to fuck right off, but if they are a guest of a friend of mine, I choose instead to be politely avoidant. My point is, it’s possible to have impulses and not act on them, or desires and not pursue them. In my experience, that’s a lot easier than simply trying to shut down the impulses and desires at the root.

I’m afraid it’s not going to end well if you just try to thinkify or therapize yourself out of being polyamorous - but you can manage and work the those feelings for your coworker in a way that prevents them from impacting this relationship that you cherish. You could choose to spend less time talking to said coworker, or try to ‘close the door’ to the part of your mind that sees him as a potential sexual/romantic option. It is okay to let yourself think “I want this, but not bad enough to pay what it costs.”

(Of course, if this becomes impossible and untenable, and not being able to express or live into your polyamorous self leads to misery and resentment, then you need to think about whether suppressing those desires long-term is healthy for you and your relationship or whether you need to make a different set of choices. But that’s not really what you asked.)

Help! I’m about to give up. I have been going on dates with people who already have a ‘primary’ partner and I am single. I just had my fourth experience where I’ve been told I can no longer see them because of their partner. I’ve communicated I don’t want to be treated as less than, but this keeps happening. What should I be asking these people before getting further involved? They swear there is honest and open communication but it seems like there isn’t…

First off, just keep at it. Dating is full of disappointments. Strings of bad luck just happen when you’re dating, sometimes. I had a friend date three women in a row who all broke things off with him after realizing they were gay. It really didn’t have much to do with him, or anything he was doing wrong, it was just a bummer of a coincidence. If one of your mono friends ended up dating four people in a row who all end things because they “have to focus on their career right now,” what would you tell them?

Second, reconsider where you’re meeting all these people. If you’re meeting them all through a similar channel, maybe the poly scene in that social sphere is unhealthy. Since people learn the practices and expectations of relationships from the world around them, polyamorous scenes can definitely take on their own cultural flavor. If there’s just this assumption in the air that primary partners always have veto power, go find dates somewhere outside of that bubble. 

Third, it’s okay to be clear up-front about your polyamorous practice and philosophy. You can say things like “I don’t believe in hierarchical polyamory,” or “I’ve had bad experiences being abandoned for the sake of a ‘primary’ relationship” in an OKC profile or during an early conversation. It’s okay to ask early on what a person’s polyamorous philosophy is like. In fact, I frequently ask people how they interpret and define their polyamory, which polyamorous books or thinkers or blogs they read, etc. Some people recoil at what they see as ‘interview’ or ‘qualifying’ questions early on in dating, but that’s their problem - I need someone who is okay with openness and clarity of expectations on both sides. 

Of course, you could ask all the right questions, and someone could swear to you up, down, left, right, and inside out that they are totally down for non-hierarchical polyamory and will never abandon you to avoid having a hard conversation with another partner and don’t believe in veto powers, and they could still be lying to you, or they could be telling the truth at the time and then change their mind later. There’s no guaranteed way to protect yourself from disappointment in dating brought on by other people’s frustrating choices. Just be your best self and keep on keeping on!