Heya… I kind of have a little problem (im new to the poly world so forgive me) but a boy and a girl who already are in a relationship and asked me to join them, the only problem i have is that i dont like the guy in /that/ way. The guy is my best friend and all but i don’t want a romanic relationship with him. They both admitted to me that they liked me. But i don’t wanna break either heart… Do you have some advice?

You are absolutely not obligated to date someone you don’t want to date just because they really want you to. You say you don’t want to “break anyone’s heart,” but declining to date someone you’re not interested in dating isn’t exactly a heartbreaking move. It is okay to not give people everything they want from you. It is okay to say no. 

If you don’t want to date this boy, don’t date him. If you want to date only the girl, but they are only interested in a triad, then you can’t date this girl. It’s frustrating that all your desires don’t line up perfectly, but that happens sometimes with relationships. And with life. No one gets everything they want, all the time. You want to date her but not him; he wants to date you - so it just might not work out. That is okay!

Be gentle and positive when letting them know how you feel, and let your relationships with these people fall into a space that works for everyone. If that turns out to be non-romantic, that’s okay! Just like every monogamous person doesn’t have to date every individual who likes them, not entering a poly relationship that doesn’t fit what you want doesn’t make you any less poly.

Hi. How do I know whether or not I’m poly or open for poly relationships? I like this girl and I hate that I’d have 2 share her but if it’s the only way to be with her I might do it even if it would break me but idk if I should, I do support poly btw

Do not date someone under terms that would “break you” or that you would “hate.” This will lead to an unhealthy situation for everyone. Sometimes you like someone but there is something preventing it from working out - this seems like one of those times.

It is fine not to be okay with polyamory for yourself, even though you support it for others! You can support marijuana legalization without smoking it yourself; you can support LGBT rights without being LGBT.

Hi, so I just started a poly relationship between my boyfriend and my date-mate. My boyfriend (who is biologically female) thinks he might be pregnant and is figuring that out asap. The same day I found out about that, my date-mate missed school because they had a huge flood of depression the night before and needed to take care of themselves. I want to take care of them both, but I don’t know how to tell them that both situations are stressing me without hurting/blaming them. Any tips for this?

When you are supporting a partner (romantic or otherwise) through a tough situation, it does take a toll on you as well - and it’s good and healthy to acknowledge that. You gotta look after yourself as well.

I try to follow the “comfort in, dump out” theory here - don’t lean on the person who’s dealing with the major issue, but definitely find people more removed from the situation to help you manage your own stress. Do other things to help you self care as well - whatever works for you, whether that’s a long bath, a Netflix binge, time out with other friends, a yoga session, etc.

It is also okay to set gentle boundaries with your partners. I tend to be a “venter” who just wants to yell about things that are bothering me. One of my partners doesn’t do well with that kind of interaction, and so when he’s feeling overwhelmed by me asking him to hold and absorb stress/negativity, he lets me know: he says “hey, I don’t really have the emotional energy for this conversation right now, I am sorry.” When I’m down, he is happy to give me cuddles and watch Steven Universe with me, or brainstorm solutions, but he cannot indefinitely go “yeah, that sucks” while I unload about something.

While it can be hard to hear in the moment, I would much rather he be honest with me than run out his emotional energy reserves and head into simmering-resentment territory! When he says that, I take some space from him, write an angry tumblr post, call a friend who has more tolerance for my bad day gossip, etc. 

It sounds like both of your partners are deep in some tough stuff, so now might not be the right time to start working on that type of honesty. It is okay to be open with them: “This is hard for me too,” or “It makes me sad to see you so stressed out.” Don’t make your feelings their problem, but don’t sublimate your own needs just because they’re more upset. You two can be there for each other, both present to each other’s stress or sadness, in a difficult moment.

See them through this as best you can, then once things calm down, talk to each one about how both of you can get your needs met: how would they prefer you to communicate that you need space, how would they prefer to be comforted by you, how can you both ride out difficult times together by deepening your connection, not borrowing against it?

I’m in my first poly relationship and it’s long distance. My partner was saying how they feel like I’m only their boyfriend when I’m in town and how they feel like we aren’t friends. I want this relationship to last. What can I do? I’m so new at this

It sounds like both of those issues are primarily stemming from the long distance, not necessarily the polyamory. 

If your partner feels like you’re only their boyfriend when you’re in town, it sounds like they need more from you during times when you’re apart. Being long distance can be hard, because the foundation of a relationship is often build on the shared little things - knowing the names of each other’s classmates or coworkers; little chats when you’re leaving in the morning; all those small shared moments.

The best thing to do would be to ask your partner for specifics about when and why they feel this way. What are they missing from you? What would make them feel like you’re their friend? Their boyfriend? What is their best-case scenario? Then, ask yourself whether you can provide that, or whether you two just need different things. 

They might have more of a focus on ‘slow burn’ things that keep a relationship alive in the day-to-day rather than the big bonfires of exciting visits. Things like:

  • If both of you have smartphones, sending each other photos of neat things you see during your day
  • Sending links to articles you enjoyed & discussing them
  • Texting them little details about your day
  • Asking them little details about their day
  • Mailing them letters, postcards, or care packages
  • Calling or video chatting once a week (or on whatever arbitrary schedule works for you two)

If you’re really not the kind of person who likes to keep up this daily chatty shared-life thing, then you can either:

  • A.) set up things like reminders on your phone to send them a text, set up rituals like texting them when you sit down to lunch, etc. or
  • B.) let them know clearly that this is not something you are willing or able to do, and that dating you long distance means seeing you during visits and getting as much boyfriend-type attention during times apart as you are willing and able to give.

Both choices come with pros and cons, as do most choices in life. If you choose A, it comes with the risk that this will frustrate and burn you out, if this is really something you’re not emotionally equipped to do, and you may feel resentful if meeting your partner’s needs feels like a chore or a demand. On the other hand, if they are worth the energy and you genuinely enjoy it, problem solved!

If you choose B, your partner may decide that they cannot be in a long distance relationship with you under those terms, and that’s their right. Or, you two might figure out a way to be together with different expectations now that that’s out on the table. I was actually just in a very similar situation with one of my long distance partners, which ended with me explaining that I needed more from him, him explaining that he could not give me more, and me making the hard choice to end things.

Good luck!

So im 13 and pan and recently ive realized that hey im open to poly relationships and i want to have one but i also am open yo mono relationships? Im thinking that i might be poly but i keep asking myself if im too young to know that? and im doubting myself but i really would and want to be in a poly relationship? Idk

When I was thirteen, I was an atheist. Now, I am a person of faith.

When I was thirteen, I had zero interest in sex. My sexuality kicked in at about 19, and now I love sex.

When I was thirteen, I took lots of pride in “not being like other girls.” Now, I embrace my femininity and challenge internalized misogyny.

When I was thirteen, I absolutely loved Fall Out Boy. Now, I still love Fall Out Boy. They are an awesome band.

My point is this: who you are at thirteen is who you are at thirteen. It may not be who you are permanently. And that’s okay! Give yourself room and space to grow. Find a balance between claiming and owning your identity in the present, and not locking yourself into it for the rest of forever.

If you could see yourself in a mono or a poly relationship, that’s great! It could be that you’re one of those people who would be happy and fulfilled in either arrangement. Or, you might explore them both a bit more and find out that one works better for you than the others.

You’re young! Now is the time to experiment. Date people, hang out with people, get to know people. Get to know yourself, too! You don’t have to have everything figured out right now, but you also don’t have to reject any claim to identities because you’re young. Let yourself be you, live your most fulfilling life, and embrace learning and growth.

My boyfriend recently started seeing this person who doesn’t agree with polyamorous relationships and my boyfriend has liked them for a very long time. He told me if they wanted a serious relationship he would be monogamous for them. This thought has made me very uneasy. I don’t think it’s fair to neither me nor his other partners? I’m fairly positive his other partners don’t even know about this. What should I do? I love him but I’m really scared he’s going to leave us all for this crush.

You can’t control your boyfriend’s behavior: if he decides he’s going to leave his polyamorous partners to pursue a monogamous relationship with this new person, he can do that. 

Your choice is whether you feel comfortable staying in a relationship with this level of risk attached. If your boyfriend has flat out told you he’d leave you for someone else if that person asked him to, you’re well within your rights to consider that a dealbreaker rather than live in fear, or worse, competition. You don’t have to, though - if this is a level of risk you’re willing to tolerate for now, that’s your call.

Just like someone in a monogamous relationship is free to leave that relationship to pursue polyamory, someone in a polyamorous relationship is free to leave to pursue monogamy. This is usually devastating to the partners who get left - breakups always hurt, for whatever reason. Sometimes it works out for the person, sometimes their calculus was off. But everyone is free to pursue whatever path they think is best for them.

I do think that if you want to, you’d also be within your rights to push your partner to tell his other partners that this is percolating, so they can make the same informed decision you are able to make.

I have been with my partner for over 8yrs and have recently started to identify as non-monogamous. I told her a few weeks ago and we’ve been having a really rough go at meeting each other emotionally. I actually stepped away from her for a week and it was one of the calmest times of my life, I felt free. I love her, but I also want to explore this b/c I’ve been suppressing it for a while now. How can we do this?

If spending time away from your partner made you feel calm and free, that’s a pretty major sign that something significant needs to change: either you need to heal a deep wound in that relationship, or you need to leave that relationship.

Non-monogamy is not a cure-all to solve existing problems in a relationship. Quite the opposite, in fact. Opening an existing relationship requires that relationship to be on a solid foundation of honesty, trust, and affection. If you two are struggling to meet each other’s needs right now, and spending time apart makes you feel better than spending time together, the immediate solution is not to try and explore non-monogamy.

You have two options: one is to stay in this relationship and try to address the fundamental issues preventing you from feeling calm and free. That may mean going to counseling together or reading some self-help books about communication and emotional intimacy together. If you discover that the issue is not with her specifically, but that you just won’t be happy in a monogamous relationship, that’s a different issue - but figuring that out will take time, honest introspection, and openness. 

The other option is to leave this relationship, not necessarily because you two can’t be non-monogamous together, but because regardless of the terms of your relationship, you are just not happy together. If you really believe that your recently expressed interest in non-monogamy is the only source of these issues, talk that out - but it sounds like it’s the opposite, that she isn’t meeting your needs and you’ve identified non-monogamy as a way to get those needs met without having to break up. That is, unfortunately, not how relationships work. If you truly felt so calm and free as soon as you got some space from her, my advice would be to make that space more permanent. 

Me and my boyfriend want a triad but I’m worried about the possibility of him getting another girl pregnant (obviously not on purpose) I need advice what’s a solution around this so its insured it never happens

There are some things in life that you can’t ever be 100% insured against - and unplanned pregnancy between two sexually active people biologically capable of creating a pregnancy is one of them. 

You can take steps to avoid this, like making sure your partner always uses a condom and/or only has sex with women who use some form of birth control. But condoms and birth control can fail, so you, your partner, and his other partners should discuss this ahead of time. Definitely have Plan B on hand in case of a condom breaking. If he never plans to have kids, he could get a vasectomy (but even those can fail!). Be aware that no matter how careful everyone is, there is no completely guaranteed way to prevent an unplanned pregnancy in this situation.

If you don’t trust your partner to wear condoms 100% of the time, that is an issue that needs to be addressed before you two take any further steps. If he doesn’t trust a woman to be responsible and honest about her birth control use, he should not have sex with her. If you don’t trust him to hold to these boundaries, or if he won’t agree to them, you two are not ready for a poly relationship.

Your partner should also discuss this with his partners before having sex - if his expectation is that an unplanned pregnancy would be terminated, and a woman he sleeps with is less rigidly committed to that, they both deserve the right to make an informed decision about whether to risk pregnancy with someone who doesn’t share their plan.

There is no solution to “insure” that this “never” happens, unfortunately. The best you can do is to require honesty and responsibility from all parties. If you cannot live with a poly arrangement that carries a risk of pregnancy, however infinitesimal - if another woman’s pregnancy by your partner would be an absolute dealbreaker regardless of the outcome - then you cannot date a man who has sex with other women.

Side note: I don’t have enough context from your letter, but you may need to rethink some of your conception of polyamory in your situation. You say you want a “triad,” which usually means that all three people are dating each other in an equally committed way. If you’re worried that he will get another woman pregnant because you feel that should be something only you and he do together, or you otherwise worry it would threaten the primacy of your relationship, a “triad” may not be what you’re looking for.

If you’re just worried about any pregnancy in general, because you and he don’t want to be responsible for a child, and you would be just as upset if he got you pregnant - if there is no emotional weight to the worry of “him getting someone else pregnant” and it’s just “a child is created via a relationship I’m involved in,” that’s different. Think hard about what you’re expecting from, and offering to, any woman you’d be including in your relationship so you can be clear with her and with yourselves.

I fell in love. Then he fell out of love…I didn’t. I love him with every ounce of myself. I fucked up. I hooked up with him & I found out about all the other girls. Right now, I feel a numbing pain everywhere. I cant do it anymore. I want ME to end.

Listen to me. You didn’t fuck up. Nothing about this is your fault. It’s perfectly common to have strong feelings for someone who doesn’t return them. And it’s unfortunately very common to follow those strong feelings into someone’s bed. It sounds like he took advantage of you for that hookup, knowing he couldn’t be what you wanted him to be, but that you were still willing to give him your time and energy.

Let him be the bad guy in this situation. It’s okay to be angry and hurt. To feel cheated and resentful and regretful. But it’s not your fault. It’s just a terrible situation. Know that this feeling will pass. Lots of people throughout history have dealt with unrequited love, have been let down by someone they wanted more from. This numbing pain is survivable. Truly, honestly, you will make it through this.

Reach out to friends or family. Take care of yourself. Go for a spa day, see a movie, eat some ice cream, distract yourself with something that feels good. And if you’re struggling with suicidal thoughts or can’t handle the emotional pain, reach out for help with that immediately:

I’ve recently started dating someone who is polyamorous but they like to constantly talk about their other partners. Is it wrong of me to be jealous and upset or is this a normal thing? I’m monogamous and I’ve never been with a polyamorous person before. I’m okay with the idea but it upsets me how they constantly talk about how great their partners are and how they wish they could be spending time with them. It makes me feel less important. Is this wrong of me?

Okay, this needs to be unpacked a bit. There are three different things you mention that should be disambiguated:

  1. Feeling jealous and upset that your partner has other partners
  2. Feeling jealous and upset when your partner talks about their other partners
  3. Feeling jealous and upset when your partner talks constantly about how great their other partners are and how they’d rather be spending time with them

It sounds like you’re experiencing #3, but holding yourself accountable for #1. Don’t do that! 

If the real issue is that your partner is being insensitive by talking about their other partners in a way that makes you feel less important, say something to your partner! “Hey, I know you really care about Flemily and Borbra, and I’m so glad they make you happy, but when you constantly talk about how great they are and how you wish you were with them instead of me, it makes me feel bad.”

Your partner may not be doing this on purpose - they may not even realize what they’re doing. Maybe they say the same thing about you to their other partners! Maybe they’re nervous about you liking their other partners and think they need to talk them up to you. Maybe you’re the first new person they’ve dated in a while and they just don’t know how to make conversation without talking about these people that are a huge part of their life. The first step is to just gently bring it up and see if there’s a solution!

If they keep making you feel less important, re evaluate whether this is a healthy relationship for you. No one, mono or poly, should ever be with someone who makes them feel that way. As for whether your feelings are “wrong,” I think it’s perfectly reasonable to feel uncomfortable in the situation you’ve described. It would be one thing if you were trying to pretend they didn’t exist and just ignore your partner’s polyamory, so you bristled at any mention of their partners - that’s unhealthy and disingenuous - but it sounds like you are okay with this arrangement and doing your best to enter into it in a positive way, but you struggle with your partner talking insensitively about how great their other partners are. That’s a very specific and solvable problem, so first try talking it out with them, and consider their response to be a crucial point of information to tell you whether it’s healthy to stay in a poly relationship with this person. 

I’ve been in a triad for about 8 months, and I’m having issues with it lately. I know this is the only way I can be with him, but it’s been tearing me apart. I wish I could be introduced as his girlfriend. And I want to be his only girlfriend. What do I do? I don’t want to lose him.

This is one of those tough situations where it’s not possible to get everything you want. Sometimes relationships just don’t work because of things like this - it’s a frustrating reality of life. If the only way to be with this guy is to be in a triad, and you don’t want to be in a triad, then you may not be able to be with him.

If you met someone you liked and then 8 months in, they told you they were moving to a remote, freezing village above the Arctic Circle, and the only way to be with them was to live there, it would be totally reasonable for you to say I do really like you, but I just can’t be with you on these terms. Or if someone you liked only dates people who are vegan, and you can’t or don’t want to make such drastic changes to your diet. Or if he only gets off by having sex in a day-glo yellow full body latex suit, and that’s just not your thing.

Not wanting to lose someone doesn’t mean you’re obligated to put up with something that’s not making you happy. Think about it the other way: if being monogamous was, for him, the only way he can be with you, would he do it? You don’t have to accept someone else’s terms just because they won’t budge. If an unstoppable mono meets an immovable poly, neither is obligated to compromise - it just may not work out. 

If a relationship is tearing you apart and not giving you what you want, it’s probably not the right relationship for you. There are plenty of monogamous people in the world who will treat you as their one and only girlfriend, and it sounds like you deserve to be in that kind of arrangement. 

Hi, do you have any advice on how to make this crushing guilt go away? I have feelings for someone in a monogamous relationship, and I am also in a monogamous relationship. I know I can’t help my feelings, but the guilt and shame are eating me alive…

Oh, friend. I feel for you. It is completely normal to be in a happily monogamous relationship and get little crushes on other people. This cultural notion we have that truly loving someone means “only having eyes for them” is garbage. That may be some people’s experience, but it’s not the only way to be.

If you’re not acting on this feeling, you have nothing to feel guilty about. Relationships take work, effort, sacrifice, commitment - sometimes, for monogamous people, part of that work means staying faithful despite temptations. That is an honorable and challenging thing to do. Be proud of the commitment and responsibility you’re demonstrating.

It is, however, not normal to feel this much guilt and shame over your feelings. I can’t speculate about where this is coming from without knowing you more - for some people, this traces back to a strict upbringing; for others, maybe a possessive or abusive partner in their past made them feel guilty and ashamed of their feelings. The best way to sort through this is with a trained professional. Please talk to a therapist about this - you don’t deserve to feel this terrible over normal feelings that you can’t help.

I am a 21 year old Nonbinary person living in the poly friendly city of Seattle. I have been a practicing poly for a little over 2 years now, but have decided to get involved with a monogamous woman. Recently we where discussing jealousy. She is a VERY jealous person (upset I text Ex’s that I’m still friends with), and it bothers her that I’m not jealous of really anything. Sometimes I fake it just to make her happy. I’m curious if this is because of my personality or because of my polyamory?

First, stop faking your own feelings to make someone happy. That only ends poorly.

Second, it’s really sad that our culture has decided that jealousy is somehow a positive signal in a relationship. We see that narrative everywhere - this notion that if someone really cares about you, they’ll be possessive, they’ll care about who you talk to and hang out with, they’ll display jealousy somehow. This is, in my opinion, a very toxic image of relationships, but it’s one your partner holds. And I’m not sure if it’s possible to convince her otherwise - your job isn’t to adjust her perspective to what you think is healthier.

Your actual question is whether your lack of jealousy is part of your personality or your polyamory, which is something I absolutely cannot answer. You could be making a false dichotomy - if your polyamory is part of who you are, then it informs your personality, and your personality informs your polyamory. It’s just the way you are! And if you ask me, it’s a pretty alright way to be. Only you can decide whether being with this very jealous, monogamous woman is going to work for your non-jealous self in the long term.

I’m a Senior in High School and feel secure in being Pan and Poly. Problem is, I haven’t dated since elementary school, which doesn’t really count in my opinion, and I don’t really know anything about dating in general, never mind as a young, queer woman. I’d like to explore that before I graduate, but I’m not sure exactly how to start.

Honestly, you can’t really set a deadline on dating. It might not happen before you graduate - you can’t force it no matter how badly you want it. And you may find that moving on from high school, whether it’s to college, a job, travel, the military, etc. without trying to maintain a high school relationship is easier in many ways.

There is no rule that you have to have your first dating relationship before you graduate high school. Many people don’t, and you won’t be at a disadvantage or get left behind in knowledge or experience. It can easy to feel rushed or pressured, especially when it seems like everyone else is dating or if you think there is something you need to be learning that you’re not. But trust me, everyone’s dating life moves at its own pace.

But it’s totally understandable to want to start dating now that you feel ready and while you’re still in high school. The best thing to do, in my experience, is to be yourself, be patient, and be open to experiences as they come. Join clubs or activities where you can meet people who share your interests. Cultivate the boldness and courage it takes to ask someone out if you’re interested! Learn to let go of the fear and desperation that can come with rejection - because everyone actively seeking to date will experience that.

And there’s plenty you can learn about dating without having to be actively practicing yourself. Read up about healthy relationships, safe and consensual sex, setting boundaries, self-love and self-esteem. Learn about yourself and what you need in relationships. Masturbate, read erotics, and/or do other things to help you explore what your sexual fantasies and interests are. Think critically about the subtle lessons you’ve been taught about relationships. Tend to your non-dating relationships, because close friendships are just as important as romance. Read narratives by other queer women. Try to let go of any hard deadline to start dating and enjoy the journey you’re on. You’ll get where you want to be. I promise.

Here are some resources:

Good luck!

I can have romantic feelings for more than one person at once. When I’m in a relationship and have a crush on someone else, I feel guilty, though I don’t act on it. I feel that polyamory wouldn’t work for me. Am I non-practicing polyamorous or something?

Only you can make that determination for yourself. If you feel that polyamory wouldn’t work for you, then maybe you’re not polyamorous, you’re a monogamous person who gets crushes. That’s quite possible, and quite common. Despite what a lot of our media likes to say, loving someone, even monogamously, doesn’t guarantee that you’ll “only have eyes for them” or never feel attracted to anyone else. Cheating, or just indulging feelings besides your partner, is a temptation many monogamous people have to fight at some point or another. Try to let go of the guilt - feelings are just feelings, and crushing on other people doesn’t make you a bad partner. 

For more, check my FAQ page. 

Hi, I was wondering if you were aware of a term to describe someone who enjoys both monogamous relationships as well as polyamorous ones. Like is there a term to describe being capable of liking both poly/mono relationships?

I don’t know of any “official” terms, but honestly, there is no Linguistic Academy Of Polyamory laying out words for the poly community. It’s tempting to feel like “if there’s a word for it, it’s real and valid,” but try to let that go. You are you, and you can find and use whatever terms work for you.

Some terms this blog and its readers have come up with are:

  • mono/poly, poly-mono or just monopoly
  • werepoly
  • polyflexible
  • bipoly
  • polyamorish

If you find one you like or that works better for you, send it along!

Hi! I am a 16 year old girl ace/bi and discovered a few months ago I’m polyamorous. While I have not dated anyone still I think it would be nice to go out with two people. However,I felt a little insecure because in this society an asexual is rare and more if it is a polyamorous asexual, so when I imagine a future with two beautiful people the thought that no one could accept me for being asexual and polyamorous invades me, could you give me some words of encouragement and advice?

When you’re 16, you’re mostly surrounded by other teenagers. Teenagers are not a demographic famous for their sensitivity to the differences of others, or for making each other feel accepted. Don’t base your assumptions about how society works on what you see in your peers!

There are as many ways to express and experience sexuality and relationships as there are people. You have grown up in a world saturated by stories of straight, sexually-inclined romances - but that’s the media’s problem, not yours. Again, don’t base your assumptions about “society” based on what you’ve seen so far. As you get older, you’ll find that the real world includes all sorts of people looking for all sorts of partners, and you can find a place to be accepted and understood no matter what.

Here are some resources about polyamory and asexuality:

In the long run, you are going to be okay. You are going to find your people, people who love and accept you, and you are going to grow and live and love in all the ways that are right for you. Many people at 16 worry about finding love and acceptance, and that’s a normal fear especially for a young person discovering their sexuality. Remember that there are plenty of people out there like you, building communities and relationships, and you can always find them online if they are not available to you in real life yet. Good luck!

I’m in a poly relationship with an older man (30) and I’m 18. We have experimented with BDSM type of things, such as him dominating me and bondage. A lot of emotions come with this for me because the sex is very intense. Recently I’ve been feeling sad about our relationship. He never tells me about his other partners when I ask about them, and he often doesn’t answer my texts and bails on our plans. I’m worried he’s just taking advantage of me to do BDSM things and I feel like I’m being played.

If you feel like you’re being played and taken advantage of, RUN. You don’t ever need to stay in a relationship that makes you feel sad or let down.

Sadly, it is all too common in the BDSM and the poly scene for older people to prey on younger people, because they don’t yet know what their rights are or how to stand up for them. This situation that you are in is not your fault - you did not “let” him do anything. He is abusing the implicit power he has as an older person, and that is not okay.

It is totally fine to want to experiment with BDSM and polyamory, and many people do find older members of the scene to teach and guide them. But this man is not a healthy partner for you, he is not teaching and guiding you, he is using you. 

You deserve better, and you can find better. You don’t have to settle for this guy. He may have told you all sorts of things about himself, and about yourself, but you don’t have to believe them. If you are interested in BDSM and/or polyamory, you can find healthy, fulfilling ways to learn about them at your own pace. Please cut this guy off!

Dated 3 years. Opened things up a month ago. He was Poly before me so I expected it. He was seeing two other people, but the second I met someone I was interested in we fought a lot. We broke up. That’s just simply a bad case right?

Yes, this is simply a bad case, not a general trajectory of how “opening up’ a relationship always goes.

One seriously frustrating thing about being part of any minority group is that you’re seen as representative of the entire group. This XKCD comic sums it up pretty nicely.

I often hear people tell me “polyamory is toxic, it never works” and then relate one bad experience someone they know had…but you never hear “monogamy is toxic, it never works” even though we all know someone who was cheated on, or ended up in a too-possessive or even abusive relationship, etc.

It’s okay if this experience made you decide that polyamory isn’t for you, or if you need to take time to heal and process! But please don’t think that this is how all polyamorous relationships go, and if you do want to try a polyamorous relationship again, don’t assume that they’re all fated to go this way!