I am and always have been poly, and monogamy is a very hard pill to swallow. However, I have been monogamous to my partner for over a year now. (This is literally driving me INSANE.) My former partner, whom was very okay with my being poly, is coming back to the country soon, and I would very much like to connect with him. But my current partner is not as comfortable with the thought of a poly relationship. I love them, and I don’t want to break up over my sexuality, but don’t know what to do.

If a relationship, or the terms of a relationship, are “literally” making you insane, you need to first, see a therapist who specializes in poly relationship issues, and second, seriously re-evaluate this relationship.

You don’t want to be monogamous with this person, and you don’t want to break up with them…but ultimately, you’re going to have to make that choice. Yes, it is possible that your partner might come around to monogamy, but that is not something you can control, and if I’m honest, it’s rare for someone who is deeply uncomfortable with polyamory and identifies as monogamous to make that total shift. (This happens, but it is rare.) You can gently suggest polyamory to your current partner, but you should not pressure or cajole, and ultimately it is their call - it’s not like there is a set of magic words or emotional moves you can use to unlock their potential for healthy polyamory. Just like ultimately it is your call whether to continue with monogamy - a painful sacrifice on your part - or not. 

(Again, this is why I think it’s OK and even productive to see poly/mono as ways of being rather than 100% choice-driven, because it gives mono people the power and the safety to say no, this is just not what I’m cut out for, it’s not that I’m being stubborn or refusing to try, it is just not healthy for me. Just like for you, monogamy is a choice you’ve been willing to make for their sake, but it’s very difficult for you and doesn’t seem to be getting easier.)

We all in life have to make difficult choices between two things that both offer pros and cons. Stay with your partner in a monogamous relationship, or leave them to pursue polyamory? Both choices will bring a serious loss but also a serious gain. Only you can decide which is the best, most fulfilling choice for you right now.

Hiya! I have two partners, my romantic relationship and my qpr.. My girlfriend is ok with me having a qpr with her but I’m worried that she’ll get jealous or I’ll hurt her. Even though my qpr is strictly strong platonic, I feel like I’ll hurt my romantic partner. Any advice? Or thoughts?

If your girlfriend says she’s okay with the arrangement, then either:

a.) She is telling you the truth, but you can’t bring yourself to believe her and trust your own assumptions about her thoughts and feelings over what she says.

b.) She is not telling you the truth, and you’re picking up on subtle clues that she’s misrepresenting her thoughts and feelings to you.

Your first job is to figure out which of the two scenarios is going on. 

If it’s the first, that’s your issue and you need to do something about it. If you can’t trust your partner to be honest with you, why are you dating her? If you insist on speaking for her and making assumptions about how she really feels, why is she dating you? You need to work out a way to let go of your unfounded fears and trust in what she is telling you. Trust her, trust the relationship, trust the communication process. If she starts having a problem, then you start addressing it; don’t worry about things that aren’t happening because you think they might.

If it’s the second, that’s an issue between you two. If she can’t trust you enough to be honest with you, why is she dating you? If she isn’t honest with you about her needs and wants, why are you dating her? You need to work out with her what is really going on, and open the lines of communication in a more healthy way so that you don’t have to second guess everything she tells you and she can trust that when she tells you something, you hear it the way she meant it.

“Remember that being straight isn’t an inferior way of being” straight pride ftw

Uuhhhhhh what now???

If you’re a “straight pride” person who thinks I’m on your side, you are sadly mistaken. Straight pride is not a thing that should or needs to exist. Because straight people haven’t grown up at risk of alienation or abuse because of how they love. They haven’t struggled with issues of identity or feeling broken or alone because of their sexual identity. We need a straight pride movement like we need hospitals for healthy people. Straight people can and do have difficulties, but it’s not because they’re straight.

It’s one thing to feel okay and secure in who you are. Everyone, gay or straight or ace or pansexual or any other sexuality, deserves to be proud of themselves. But “pride” in this context doesn’t mean that. It means (partly! pride is many things for many people!) pushing back against a culture, a media, a society, a set of oppressive structures that tries to tell a certain group of people that they are not or should not exist. It celebrates that which has been put down. Straight people don’t have that problem, so we don’t need that solution. Please educate yourself.

If you are someone accusing me of being a “straight pride” person and the ‘ftw’ is sarcastic, please please know that I didn’t mean to imply that, or to dogwhistle at the straight pride people, by saying that “being straight isn’t an inferior way of being.” If sexuality is something innate, something inherent, something that’s just true about who we are - which I believe it is - then no way of being is better or worse than another.

Heteronormativity sucks. Patriarchy is bullshit. Systems of privilege and oppression are the worst. But we can critique those things without putting down individual people, even if they do benefit socially, politically, and economically from those structures. There is something wrong with being violent, with keeping others down for your own advantage, with taking privilege for granted. But there’s nothing inherently wrong with being a woman who loves men or a man who loves women. 

how would lgbt+ people hating straights have anything to do with straight people in polyamory? no offense meant I’m just curious of you don’t mind clarifying

It doesn’t, in theory. What I was guessing at is that the person who was confused about whether straight people could be poly had gotten at least some of their confusion from discourse like that.

For reasons I won’t theorize about here, there is a huge overlap between different communities that are marginalized because of sexual/relationship identity: to take just three examples, there are a lot of LGBTQ+ people in the BDSM scene and a lot of kinky people in the LGBTQ+ community; there are a lot of poly people in the BDSM scene and in the LGBTQ+ community; a lot of LGBTQ+ people in the poly community and the kinky scene, etc. etc. etc.

So, where you find these overlaps, you find (in my experience!) a sort of umbrella effect where certain spaces and communities default to being, or seeming, generally “queer.” Which is, for the most part, awesome! I wish all spaces and communities did things like normalize asking about pronouns, encourage or make space for genderbending and nonbinary modes of expression, honor and welcome different types of partners, etc. etc. etc.

But sometimes that means that a person who is only kinky, but not poly or LGBTQ+ will wander into a BDSM scene and worry they are too straight or too monogamous. Or a person who is gay but not kinky or poly may feel a cultural pressure to be “less vanilla” or “more open.” I think this is gross and unfair and we should not make people feel like they have to be anyone other than themselves to be included and accepted as they are. You can be poly and hella vanilla. You can be LGBT+ and totally monogamous. And so forth. 

So what I was trying to say is, if this person was learning about polyamory in a context that associates polyamory with not being straight, they should try and see that discourse for what it is - people who have been hurt and alienated by heteronormativity expressing their pain in a way that makes sense for them, or people who happen to be poly and also not straight conflating the two because for them the identities are intertwined - not an objective fact that straightness is mutually exclusive with polyamory.

I could, of course, be totally wrong - maybe that person is confused for other reasons, and I confess that when I get asks that are so short, I have to make some assumptions to be able to address the question. All I can go on is my own experience, which includes lots of people, myself included, who sometimes wonder if certain ways of being must necessarily overlap. 

Some examples:

• Myths of Non-Monogamy: Polyamory is so gay
  
• Tumblr user @butchcommunist discusses the pressure to be kinky when being out in the LGBT community
• Tim Curry says that finding a fully monogamous relationship as a gay man can be difficult 
• I’m queer and vanilla: is that a contradiction?

Can I be poly while also being straight? I’m in a very confused place right now…

Yes, absolutely you can be poly while also being straight! One is about your relationship orientation - how you process, understand, and experience your relationships. The other is about your sexual orientation - how you process, understand, and experience your sexual attraction. 

You may be confused if your understanding of polyamory is mostly of the triangle-shaped, or triad, type. I can see how it might be hard to picture yourself in a closed relationship with multiple people if you’re straight (though some straight people do; you can only speak for yourself.) But that’s not the only type of polyamory that exists. I am straight, and poly! I only date men, but I date multiple men at the same time. Most of the men I date are also straight, so all my relationships are V-shaped: I date X and Y, but X and Y are not dating each other, because they’re both men who don’t date men. 

Remember that being straight is not an inferior way of being; it is just another orientation. The sad truth is that being straight comes with a whole pile of privilege, and because of that, many LGBTQ+ people have a mistrust of straight people. And while it is their right to express their frustration and alienation in whatever way works for them, don’t let ~*~tumblr discourse~*~ about “cis-het scum” convince you that certain ways of being are closed off to you or make you feel unwelcome in the poly community. Many poly people are straight; many straight people are poly. Find the way of being that lets you be healthy and happy and fulfilled. 

I have a boyfriend and am not in any way aromantic, but I have these feelings for another person that are very qpp-ish. is it right to use that term if im not aro?

I’m not the language police; it’s not up to me (or any one person) to say who does and doesn’t get to use a term. I’m also not aromantic or asexual, so I wouldn’t even be part of the community that may have claim to that term. If you know any ace or aro people, you could ask them how they feel!

If you’re uncomfortable with the term qpp, or worry that others might be uncomfortable with you using it, it’s totally okay to find another way to express how you feel about this person. I personally wish that we as a culture could open up the concept of friendship to allow for the kind of intimacy and commitment we typically think is reserved for sexual-romantic partnerships. (Because of this, I have my own feelings about the term qpp, but that’s not what you asked about).

Ultimately, it’s not about what collection of syllables you use, but whether you are able to frame, understand, and engage in the relationship with depth and authenticity, in whatever way is healthy and fulfilling for you and this person. 

I am feeling very neglected by my partner. Since losing his job, he isn’t responding to messages, he’s late for time together or doesn’t show, and we have not had sex in 2 months. He says he still loves me, but is depressed. What do I do?

It sounds like your partner is dealing with a pretty textbook case of depression. Being without a job can be really, really hard on some people. Some people find it nearly impossible to get motivated without a routine, other people find that their self worth tanks without a job. No matter what the source issue is, your partner needs help and support right now.

If he’s not currently seeing a therapist, try and help him find one. Sit down with him and look up providers in your area, covered by your insurance if you have it. Help him make the initial calls and appointments. Or encourage him to try an online therapy service, check out a local yoga class, or otherwise get the help that he needs.

Try and help him find a job. Help him beef up his resume, reach out to your contacts, sit with him while he sends out applications. Sometimes just having some external support and a little push - not judgment or pressure, just positive and helpful energy - helps immensely.

Do your best to meet him halfway. If he’s late for time together or doesn’t show, ask him why. Did he feel overwhelmed by getting himself up and out of the house? Is he ashamed or embarrassed and therefore feeling avoidant? If he can’t show up, you can. Spend time with him at his place, or make all the plans and pick him up. He’s in a period right now where he can’t attend to your emotional needs all that well - my advice is to do what you can to get him through that period. 

Of course, you’re not obligated to do any of this. If you don’t feel up to riding out this period of depression with him, if your partner isn’t meeting your needs and you can’t step up to take on more than half of the emotional heavy lifting for a while, your other option is to leave. You don’t have to stay in a relationship that makes you feel neglected. But know that in any relationship, all partners will have low points, and over time, each partner will have their own periods of needing to lean hard on someone, and their turn at giving more than they get. It’s up to you to determine whether this is something you can weather with this boyfriend, or not. 

What do you do to help with being the wife sharing time with a new wife? Just beginning a polyamorous relationship and planning for both of us to have a commitment ceremony with our unicorn but new to willingly giving up time with my spouse. So far what time I’ve shared is primarily when I’m working so not really given up any but with the shift in our relationship I’m sure it will change. Any advice?

First off, mazel tov on your commitment ceremony!

I think the key issue here is the framing. You talk about “willingly giving up time with your spouse,” like time with them is a finite resource that belongs to you, and any time she gets is something you have to “give up.” It’s important to remember that if you three are all married, you are all on equal footing. She is not taking away something that is yours; she is spending time with her spouse. You are not “the wife,” you are “a wife.” Take a close look at the language you used here, do some introspection, and make sure you aren’t seeing her as somehow less important, less connected, less entitled to intimacy with your spouse.

Try and figure out why you have an issue with the two of them spending time together without you. Is it just the “principle” of it - that you have to give up something you feel entitled to - or is it more specific, like you don’t get as much of your spouse’s time and attention as you need? If it’s the first one, like I said above, you need a re-framing. The three of you are just going to need to live your lives as a married triad, which means different people will be around at different times. If it bothers you to know they’re together without you, you need to work on that with yourself if this arrangement is going to work.

If you’re worried about something more concrete - like being asked to leave so they can have time together, or being stuck on your own, that’s less emotionally significant, and therefore more easily solvable. Usually, in relationships like this, things settle into natural rhythms. Everyone needs alone time; you might find yourself grateful that if you’re not in a social mood, they can hang out together and no one will pester you for attention. And it is likely that the two of them may plan or need quality time together - in which case, your best bet is to just make other plans. She should do the same for you if and when you need one on one time with your spouse.

But neither of you is graciously deigning to “share” that person. Be wary of that framing - if you start seeing it that way, it can start to feel zero-sum, and possessive, and threatening, and that is not a good road to go down. 

So polyamory is really interesting to me, and I think I may like to try it, but I’m actually terrified at the same time. I live in an environment where gay couples are unwelcome, and the idea of adding even more stigma to my life (if I try polyamory and it ends up clicking) scares me beyond belief. I don’t want to outcast myself more than I already have, and yet I’m really curious and think this may be an amazing opportunity… Any advice for a still dependent, bisexual female?

Here’s the thing…if you try polyamory and it “clicks” with you, that seems more like a discovery than a decision, doesn’t it? We can’t control who we are or how we love, even if it’s very stigmatized and inconvenient. Don’t try to ignore or repress part of who you are because other people won’t like it. Let yourself grow and explore what makes you happy, and try to let go of the fear of judgment.

THAT SAID, please keep yourself safe. When you say you’re still dependent, I assume that means you still live with your parents or otherwise are not financially independent. If you know that living openly as polyamorous would put you at risk, there is no shame in waiting it out. It is possible to explore your identity without “adding more stigma to your life” - you can read about polyamory, you can do self-work and introspection about relationships, you can find a welcoming community online, etc. And in the meantime, you can make a plan for getting yourself out of an environment where you’re afraid of being an “outcast” for living and loving authentically.

Ultimately, it’s up to you to decide whether to try polyamory right now, where you are. I can’t tell you whether it would be worth it or not. I wish I could tell you to let go of your fear entirely and not care what other people think - but sadly, in the world we live in, there’s a wide spectrum of what it means to be “unwelcome.” If you are only worried about social disapproval, I’d say go for it…but if there’s a risk of violence, of losing certain freedoms and privileges, of this impacting your schooling, college prospects, etc. then you have to put your safety first.

Just try to separate out the fears. It’s ok to be concerned about a genuine, specific risk because people in your life are terrible. Just don’t let yourself internalize a fear of who you are, a fear of your own authentic self. Don’t let the culture you’re stuck in teach you that you’re inherently unwelcome, unlovable, or that it’s bad or dangerous to be you. Be afraid of the nasty jerks in the world; don’t be afraid of being bisexual or polyamory. I hope that makes sense.

Please keep your eyes on the future - you won’t be in this situation forever, and someday soon you’ll be able to be yourself without fear of the response. I don’t know your situation, but if it’s possible/relevant, save for college, keep your grades up, develop strong relationships with other adults in your life. Set yourself up with a strong foundation to get out of there and build a life that is healthy, happy, and fulfilling. And when you do, please find an LGBTQ+-friendly therapist to help you work through the fear and shame your upbringing tried to impose on you. 

I’m in a happy relationship right now ((just two of us)) but I’ve really liked my friend for the longest time now and learned that she likes me too. She knows and understands what polyamory is, but my partner now I’m not so sure… I know he’ll see it as he’s not enough. I’ll talk to him and be honest and open but I’m not sure how he’ll handle. I refuse to cheat and I would never consider doing it but even if he agreed I can imagine he’d think that’s what it was… Can I please have some advice?

Twice in your short letter, you state that you know what your partner would think or feel in a given situation. You “know he’ll see it as he’s not enough,” and “even if he agreed” to be poly, you “imagine he’d think” it was cheating. This is a big issue. You have to let your boyfriend speak for himself and his own thoughts. You can’t act on your imagined predictions of his inner life.

If you’re dating someone who you don’t trust to be truthful with you - if you think he’s capable of agreeing to something while secretly feeling cheated on - that’s a major problem, and one that you two need to work out regardless of whether you decide to try polyamory or not. You need to figure out whether this is primarily your issue - do you just decide you know what he’s thinking, regardless of what he says? - or his issue - does he often say things that don’t accurately reflect how he really feels, which causes problems later?

Polyamory requires crystal clear communication, which includes trusting each other to have the self-awareness and honesty to say what they mean and mean what they say. If you’re not at that point, you need to work on that before you even start thinking about dating your friend.

Talk to your boyfriend about this. That’s the only way to move forward. Don’t rely on guesses and assumptions. Ask him how he feels about polyamory. Invite him to be honest with you. Discuss best and worst case scenarios. Talk about feelings and fears and boundaries. Read about polyamory together. Only he can tell you how he feels and what he needs. And if he can’t, that’s an issue to work on. 

Me and my husband have started having threesomes with this great guy. We all get along and everything has been going well. Lately, my sex drive only seems to be focused on us three. This means that I don’t seem to have any sexual energy left for 1-1 sex with my husband, which is taking a toll. We talked about it and we still haven’t come up with a solution to the problem since a) he wants more sex between us b) I’m just more horny about threesome right now and usually not in the mood for one-on-one.

This is a pretty common issue. When something is new, it’s exciting, and often seems more appealing than familiar alternatives. When my housemates and I discovered an awesome little ice cream shop near our house, we went like all the time for a while. Then the novelty wore off and it stopped being this thing we craved daily. This happens with music, with hobbies, and in the case of poly people, with sexual partners.

I try not to ever suggest to people that they just have sex with their partner when they’re not into it out of obligation - but in this case, it’s worth trying to reinvigorate your one-on-one sex life with your husband. Watch threesome porn or read threesome erotica together; talk dirty to each other about the last time you had a threesome together. Try Mojo Upgrade to find some new interests to explore together. Buy a nice new sex toy to use together. Take a sexy weekend away at a cabin or hotel. If you two are kinky, visit a dungeon party or other kinky event in your area.

It sounds like the newness and excitement is part of what’s doing it for you, so seek out newness in other areas! Or, if there’s something else about the threesomes with this new guy that you’re responding to - does he have a more dominant or submissive energy? Does your husband act differently during threesomes? - try to ID that and bring it into your sex life with your husband. 

Consider just giving it some time, too. It’s natural for couples to have rises and falls in their sex life, so if your husband is really making this into an epic deal, see if he’s willing to just let your libido do its thing for a while longer before labeling this a crisis-level problem. It’s a meeting-each-other-halfway thing: you try and find more sexual energy for one-on-one sex, and he tries to get his needs met without putting tons of pressure on you. Nothing wrong with investing in a nice solo toy or porn subscription for him. 

Hey there. So since the day I’ve met my best friend, I’ve dreamed of being in their relationship with him and his boyfriend. That chance finally opened up, but within those two years, I’ve had one relationship that was abusive and absolutely destroyed me. I want it, but I am absolutely afraid still. What should I do? They said they’re ready to wait for me and that they’ll wait for me to be 1000% and even allow me to leave if things go bad, but what’s the next step?

Therapy!!! If you’re not already, please get some help with healing after that abusive relationship.

Please know that while you might have been terribly hurt by the abusive relationship, you were not “destroyed” - you are still you, you are still valuable and worthy and awesome and completely whole, totally deserving and capable of a happy, healthy relationship. Let yourself be open to this relationship that seems like it would be really positive for you. The person who hurt you is in the past - they cannot take away anything from you in the future.

You say you’re still very afraid. Try to identify what you’re afraid of so you can talk it out with the two people you want to date. You say they will “even allow you to leave” which makes me think you’re afraid of getting trapped, of them trying to control you, of them acting like your decision to date them at one point in time indebts you to them forever. Remind yourself that the abusive person who acted like that was not normal, not healthy, and not okay. That is not how relationships are supposed to be.

The variable that created the abuse was the abuser, not you. Nothing about you invites or allows abuse. Nothing about relationships is inherently dangerous or controlling. If the two men you’re thinking about dating haven’t shown any red flags of abusive or controlling behavior, let yourself trust them. Be open with them about your fear and let them do their best to alleviate it. Let them know that you might need some extra patience, some more explicit reassurances than they may be used to giving partners - then let them give it to you.

If you want this, let yourself have it. Be gentle with yourself and accept gentleness from others. Don’t hold yourself back because you’re afraid. You deserve a happy, new, loving relationship. Good luck! <3

I have two partners (I’m the point of a V) and with partner A, I can see us settling down and getting married and all that, but with partner B, I can see us dating for a long time, but not necessarily settling down. Is this a common feeling?

It’s your feeling, you’re having it, and it’s real. It doesn’t matter if it’s a common feeling; there is no bell curve of frequency that determines whether a feeling is appropriate or valid.

As long as this arrangement is working for you and your partners, it’s all good. Does partner B know you feel this way? Or are they expecting/hoping/looking ahead to settling down with you in the future? Do you and your partners use a tiered (primary/secondary/etc) system for polyamory, or are you just letting the relationships define themselves?

As long as everyone is on the same page and expectations are shared, it’s all good. Don’t set someone up to be hurt or let down; don’t pretend like your feelings for B are something other than they are to keep B on the line. How common this feeling is is less important than whether everyone involved is okay. Do what’s right, healthy, and fulfilling for all parties involved - even if you three are the only people on the planet facing this issue. 

(And to answer your question, sure, that’s a common feeling. Relationships are different; people are different; it’s normal within poly to experience affection, commitment, etc. slightly differently across different partners.)

I identify as Poly but I have found coming out to people to be quite difficult. However, I do still want to be in a consenting poly relationship. I have a wonderful girlfriend who knows that I’m poly and accepts me and consents to a poly-v relationship but it’s taken me aback with how many people I meet being either poly and almost stalkerish or monogamous and wants me to leave my girlfriend. Are there any good sites or anything I could check out?

Dating is hard. It’s hard for everyone, mono or poly, gay or straight. Most of us have at least a few bad or just blah experiences before we find someone we click with perfectly. For some of us, that’s part of the fun of dating; for others, it’s a huge discouragement.

Make sure going in that you know your boundaries and how to stick to them. It sounds like you’ve done a good job shutting down behavior you find “stalkerish” and saying no to people who want you to leave your girlfriend. Keep being clear and open about what you want, and you’ll find what you’re looking for. Just give it time. If finding someone awesome to date was simple and easy, we wouldn’t have like 50% of the movies/TV shows/books that currently exist.

Here is my FAQ page on finding poly people to date. Good luck!

Hi! Kind of a silly advice question but me and my partners are looking into a new vehicle. Our old car is falling apart, and there’s a bit of an emotional problem too. One of us always has to sit in the backseat and feels left out. Any advice?

I have zero advice about purchasing a car - I’ve done that once, it was agonizing, I love my car, I hope it lives forever so I never have to do it again. Unless you’re looking for an old car with one of those bench seats in the front, I don’t think you’ll find a new car that lets all three people sit up front.

I have actually gotten a very similar question on this blog before - you can read my answer here. To be honest, I don’t think any type of new car would solve the issue of the person in the backseat feeling left out. That’s something to address on a personal level.

Why does the person in the back feel left out? Is it because it’s hard to hear the conversation up front over the a/c or the radio? Turn down the radio or the a/c, and have the person in the back sit in the middle rather than directly behind the driver or passenger. Is it because the two people in front are holding hands or otherwise physical? Maybe stop doing that in the car. 

Is this a larger issue in your relationship, or does it only happen in the car? If someone has a tendency to feel left out, you need to address that on a deeper level. Is it the same person who always feels left out, or does anyone sitting in the back feel left out? Does this happen on all car rides, or just long ones? Basically, is someone(s) using their position in the car to identify a much deeper unmet need or emotional frustration, or is this something more surface-level that is honestly just about the car?

If it’s just in the car, consider things you could do to alleviate it. Play a car game that includes all 3 people. Rotate who sits in the back. Listen to a podcast or audiobook together, so you’re all sharing an experience. Figure out whether one of you - perhaps the most introverted one - actually wouldn’t mind some semi-quiet time in the backseat to read or knit or play Pokemon Go or nap or whatever. 

My girlfriend and I are in a very serious relationship, we have been for years and plan to get married. She introduced me to polyamory which was a new concept to me. I told her I’m open to trying it, but due to my mental health I had boundaries and things I’m not comfortable with her doing with her new partner. She agreed & so far its been going okay, with her being very attentive to my needs. But I was wondering, if she were to do something I’m not comfortable with, would that be cheating?

Only you can really make that call. I think “cheating” is defined as “violating the agreed-upon terms of a relationship.” If you feel like her violating those boundaries is cheating, then yes, it’s cheating. If it feels more nebulous to you - like she did something you’re not comfortable with, but it isn’t a complete betrayal, then maybe it’s not cheating. 

For instance, if I ask my boyfriend “hey, do you mind if we reschedule our dinner date because I just got invited to a really exciting party?” and he says “well actually, I would be really bummed out, I was very much looking forward to hanging out tonight,” then I have a decision to make based on the information I have. I could choose to go to the party, knowing full well it would upset him, and face the emotional consequences of doing so. Would that be cheating? It would certainly be doing something my boyfriend didn’t want me to and told me he would be sad if I did it, but is it violating the fundamental terms of our relationship? That would differ across couples, as it should - there is no immutable relationship law that determines what is and isn’t cheating.

In general, I think specific boundaries in polyamory like “if you do XYZ with your other partners, that counts as cheating” very very rarely work out. Emotions and desires don’t ever stay neatly in the boundaries we prescribe for them. Setting up instances in which you consider yourself “cheated on” puts you at a pretty high risk of feeling/being cheated on. My advice is to think through the boundaries you’ve set to try to understand where they’re coming from. Consider whether you can address your emotional needs and safety using strategies that don’t create such a clear-cut “cheating zone” for your partner to risk straying into. How can your partner help you feel secure in a ‘positive’ way (by actively doing certain things) rather than a ‘negative’ way (by not doing certain things)?

Also, if you know there are mental health issues at play, definitely discuss this with your mental health care provider. These kinds of boundaries can be useful for easing a nervous partner into a poly relationship, but I have rarely seen them work out in the long term. Seeing them as temporary tools to help you understand your needs and how to meet them, rather than new core terms of the relationship, would help a lot to alleviate your concerns about what counts as cheating and whether it’s happening.

So, I am dating this guy, but I also have a crush on this girl (we do flirt a bit, but it’s just casual, nothing too bad)… I want to date the girl as well, but I know that my boyfriend doesn’t like polyamory, so how should I try to stop feeling romantic attraction towards her? I’m trying to stop flirting with her as well…. any other ideas?

This is pretty impossible, unfortunately. It’s hard to just will yourself out of feeling something - if we could just turn feelings on and off when it suited us, it would be so much easier to be a person.

When I find myself with a crush on someone I really do not want to have a crush on, I just try to avoid them. I don’t go out of my way to talk to them, be around them, impress them, etc. Taking some distance and not indulging the crush helps, but it certainly doesn’t mute the crush entirely.

But that assumes you don’t want to continue being friends with this girl. If you want to keep hanging around her, see if you can convince your mind to transmute the crush into a non-romantic affection. You can be really close with someone, spend lots of quality time together, be there for each other, etc. - all the things people do in relationships - without physical/sexual intimacy. 

Ultimately, though, there’s no “one weird trick” to just stop feeling romantic attraction toward someone. If there was, history would probably have turned out a lot differently…

Not too long ago, I grew tired of feeling constantly neglected by my primary partner (A) and found myself a new one (B). This led A to change their behaviour completely and beg me for a second chance. I love B, and I truly believe that they are a good match for me, but I still feel bad for rejecting A. Neither A nor B currently have any other partners besides me. Any advice on how to handle this situation?

I’m confused by this scenario. You say that A “begged you for a second chance” and that you feel bad for “rejecting” them - but then you say they both currently have you as a partner. If you are still dating A, then they shouldn’t need to beg for a second chance, and you didn’t reject them.

In healthy polyamory, finding a new partner should not be an action you take to get back at a current partner, or emotionally bludgeon them into changing their behavior. New partners are purely additive - bringing B into your life shouldn’t have required you to “reject” A. If you don’t like dating A, if they make you feel neglected, then you need to either end that relationship or work with them to resolve the issue.

Remember that other people are not need-meeting machines. B cannot replace the attention you are missing from A, nor is that their job. That relationship should be allowed to develop and stand on its own terms, and shouldn’t be impacted by how invested you are in A at any given moment. Polyamory is founded on a belief that affection is not zero-sum; that any time and energy you invest in B is not ‘removed’ from the resources you have for A.

It sounds like maybe you need to take a step back and think about:

What does polyamory mean to you? Is it a way to get your needs met, or is it a temporary stopgap to keep from addressing issues with A, or is it something else?

How do you define a relationship? What does primary mean to you? Why are those distinctions important? What are the terms of your relationship with A? With B?

Is what you are doing fair and responsible to all parties? Does B know you sought them out in part to solve your problems with A? Do you think you’re capable of dating multiple people in an arrangement where no one feels rejected?

Once you think through these, talk this out with both A and B. Maybe the best thing for you is to keep dating both of them and work on your issues individually with each partner. Maybe you have discovered that you really just want to be dating B because your relationship with A no longer makes you happy. But make sure your decision comes from a place of clarity and understanding, not implicit assumptions about what relationships are or need.

If I am only interested in a closed relationship, such as a triad or a 4 person triad (quadriad?, quartette?) am i poly? Then again, I’m only 15. I’ve only dated one person and that was only for a month.

Sure! Closed multi-partner relationships are a completely valid type of polyamory. Don’t let anyone tell you your identity doesn’t count or that you need to feel a certain way to be poly.

Here is my FAQ page on the issue. Best of luck figuring out the identity that works best for you and helps you find the healthiest, most fulfilling relationships for you! 

Hello! I’m in a relationship that is transitioning to being Poly. My partner is talking to this other girl and I can’t help but be really jealous at the fact that he is so much more affectionate and talkative to her than he ever was with me! I know it must sound silly but it really hurts that she asks him to call him more and he immediately jumps to when I made a similar request at the beginning and he never did. Things like that. Feel a little like a toy that he is bored of.

If this is a new development and your partner is otherwise attentive to your needs, this might just be a classic case of NRE, or “new relationship energy.” It’s common for people to be a bit more excited about a new relationship, and to focus more of their time and attention on it. Often, this tapers off and isn’t a lasting threat to an existing relationship.

But if you feel like he never gave you this kind of attention, even in the beginning of your relationship, and is doing things for her that he was never willing to do for you, that’s a different sort of problem. The best thing to do is to talk to him about this - try to be non-accusatory, if you can. Don’t insist that he’s doing something wrong or that he clearly likes her more. Just point out some specifics in his behavior that have been bothering you, and ask how the two of you can find a way for him to pursue this new relationship without making you feel like he is getting bored of you.

He may respond with surprise - it may be that he has just been making choices without much thought and never stopped to consider that he’s been mismatching his time and attention. If he’s willing to be more sensitive and intentional with making sure he acts on his feelings for you, problem solved. But if he gets defensive, if he acts like you have no right to make these requests of him, or if he insists that your perspective is wrong and you’re getting plenty of his attention, that’s a red flag that this may not be a person you can have a healthy poly relationship with.